REMUS:

2012-01-06T23:56:00.001+08:00

it was perfect...
everything, everything was perfect.
but we were both balancing on a rope;
this -- this intricacy we so precariously lived on,
we knew that the rope would snap one day,
or one of us would fall off. it was whether we'd survive the
breaking of the rope, or whether we would pull the other person down.

i don't know... perhaps there never was any rope,
perhaps the rope we treaded on was the faint love we both
had for each other. we were always free falling but we never cared.
but now... now the balance is upset and we've already crashed.

we were never perfect.

---

wow, it's been forever since i've posted in this dusty little space.

fire away, fire away

2012-01-05T02:23:00.001+08:00

so i haven't been blogging lately, but that's because i've been out pretty much everyday having fun. i've been having the days and nights of my lives thus far with amazing company, and have met new people (of which names i cannot remember and i'm sure they cannot remember mine either), tried new food places and so on.

but this is the first post of 2012! i'm not as excited as i thought i'd be. i spent the last few minutes of 2011 guzzling champagne (you sip, i know, but we were in a rush), puked, met the fucking hot guy i've always wanted to meet, and the rest of the night was insignificant... other than at Play luh but that's a different story only my close friends will hear about. i do not have any photos of the last day of 2011 and i don't regret that because i know i will remember it.

i will be sappy and review my 2011:

1. met the most amazing people of my life. they know who they are so there is no point naming them.
2. kept the most amazing people i have met thus far in my life.
3. become more sociable, met more people that would actually get me somewhere in life, not to the extent of making friends for the sake of what they have.
4. discover more about myself and forged and strengthened my identity.
5. become more comfortable -- actually very comfortable with my identity.
6. (sort of) chased my dreams by entering a competition... and winning a merit prize. hey, it isn't a distinction prize but i'm elated to have won.
7. realise how i'll have to work even harder and put myself out there even more in order to make it somewhere in life and actually live my dream. super cheesy i know, but so true.
8. found and broadened my fashion style/sense
9. understand how things tend to be beyond your control sometimes and because there really isn't anything you can do about it there's no point fretting over it.
10. wrote... a lot. i'm pretty sure my writing skills improve. i've found my niche genre, which may sound a little pretentious but yeah, i have.
11. found value and importance in taking chances. how if i don't try then i'll never know what would have happened, what could have happened, what wouldn't have happened. vive ut vivas.
12. survived my A levels, which i suppose was the hardest period of my life.

very sure that there's a lot more stuff that i've learned in 2011, but of everything so far, i suppose my new year resolution for 2012 comes down to three latin words:

vive ut vivas

(live and you will live)

merry new year.

2011-12-27T11:52:00.000+08:00

i have a few minutes to write a post before the song ends and i have to leave. still don't understand why i'm so busy all the time but it effaces the emptiness within me, to put it in an artistic way. life has been great. it's been hectic and exhausting but amazing. i've been slacking on my writing, firstly because i've been too busy to properly sit down and mull and wait for inspiration to arrive, and secondly and more importantly... i've been happy. happiness is annoying. it feels good, of course, but it's like the panacea to inspiration and writing, especially in my case since my theme tends to revolve around the grotesque, macabre, melancholic, depressing, and dark stuff. been trying to branch out into the happier themes like love at first sight or pure love or people in love rather than people out of love and dying or on the floor on their own pool of blood. trying.

i guess that is all to my life lately, having fun whilst trying to write. all will change when national service comes.

this song is beautiful:

2011-12-21T01:48:00.000+08:00

i have given up documenting my life on a daily basis because i can't remember what i do during specific days; days no longer matter to me because they all represent free-time before i enlist into the army. so instead i will put pictures and for stuff that lacks pictures i would probably slip in at the end:

teng and ball at chillin' area plus secret brick wall.

meet Mask, tuls' amazingly cute husky.

catching up with the ivy with fatteh.

and yesterday, where i had one of my bad days in lazy clothes.

and here is larmy reading a book about life (seriously).

---

somewhere along the week(s) i went to:

Town and Chinatown with the michenator and then cut clothes up at my place.

Mdm Wong's, Tantric, dymk, Play, Taboo, Avalon (on Sunday); gay pubs and clubs. the gay nightlife is a hundred times better than the straight nightlife. seriously, once you visit gay clubs you'll never want to go back to straight clubs again. friendlier (much more) people with the same if not more energy.

a christmas party and the Aladdin cast (musical) house party (that moved to Avalon thereafter).

that is probably all.

day 17 poetry:

2011-12-16T12:06:00.001+08:00

the dust settled but the storm continues to rage --
apart, they are a part,
and they continue to remain broken,
like the sharp edges of window shards.

they try to hold one another
they cut each other
they try to hold on
they hurt each other.

the dust disperses but the storm has calmed;
they stand apart, no longer a part.

they cannot.

can--
not.

---

okay, i don't really consider this a good piece but i've sort of injected a lot of myself into this. didn't know how to properly pen my emotions into a proper piece so being the lazy lit-student all i did was employ the use of form. actually the entire poem relies solely on form: incredibly fragmented sentences and stanzas. i don't know, i quite like it. if i divulge the meaning it would probably make more sense but then that would ruin the fun. so.

oh, the first two sentences can be read in three different ways. just saying.

day 16 poetry:

2011-12-15T00:46:00.000+08:00

is (here)

---

i feel like i shouldn't be trying to write both a prose and poetry everyday. like if it comes naturally then that's awesome but if it doesn't then i shouldn't be trying because i feel like when i force myself to write something then the meaning behind it wouldn't be as genuine as inspiration would. so yeah, i'll only do either prose or poetry a day from now on and if it's a good day then there'll be both (or more, or two of the same styles).

as of late:

2011-12-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

day 15 prose:

2011-12-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

his heart cried and wrenched to the aching emptiness inside. there was nothing he could do now but regret. regret. it was raining outside but in his heart was the storm of the century. he felt the gale tearing him apart from side to side and the deluge threatening to drown him, but he knew it was only his heart that had the power to make him feel like death should take him away tonight; he knew that it was only her who could make his heart feel this way: skip a beat, pulsate, race, and now pause, stop, and ache with despair. there was nothing he could do but regret.

she was gone with the pliers to his heart.

---

poetry (here)

day 14 prose:

2011-12-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

i thought i knew you, just a little bit, i thought i knew what you were thinking, just a little bit. i thought... you and i -- i thought we'd be together for a really long time, and i was banking all my hopes on that, i really was. ... but i was wrong, i thought wrong. just like that; sucks, doesn't it? one misstep and everything crashes, one misstep and all the steps behind crumbles. you can neither move forward nor return to the safe place you came from. you're just -- stuck.

i thought i love you, but now i know i loved you, because i thought i knew you, but i now i know i never did. you were like a stranger -- no, you were like the illusionary havens the dying sees in the midst of a desert, they crawl towards it, but all they get is nothing; nothing and disillusion.

---

poetry (here)

day 13 poetry:

2011-12-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

tender
was the night as he
fell from his bed.

he cried
but realised
he was alone;
alone in his room
and alone in this house.

he got up
and wiped his eyes
like a child who's lost
its fight,
and went back to bed,

alone in his room,
and alone in this house --
his home that he had bought.

---

prose (here)

day 12 prose:

2011-12-10T21:48:00.000+08:00

contractors, contraction, contracted -- the woods started closing around her. she wasn't breathing, she couldn't. she wasn't moving, she couldn't. she wasn't doing anything, she couldn't. they ignored her as they carried on with their lives, doing exactly what they were told -- the architecture's mad wishes. strangely, what surrounded her had no leaves -- or no branches for a matter of fact, and the geometry was too perfect for it to be natural. it was man-made.

it wasn't the woods that were surrounding her, it was wood. it was wood that was being placed in a rectangular shape around her.
she was in a coffin.

oh right! she was dead.
she wasn't doing anything, she couldn't.

---

poem (here)

prom:

2011-12-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

prom was incredibly lame. this isn't a very promising first sentence but yeah, prom was lame. though i mean the event, not the day itself. it was so lame that more than half the time our table was empty. like the food was just placed there for flies while we were outside the hall or in our rooms having our own fun. but then again, everyone inside was cheering and shouting and screaming like it was the best day of their lives, and i mean everyone. so it's probably just us luh, we're a problematic, dysfunctional group of people. but really, i thought prom would be super classy and everything but it turned out to be a failed party instead. host with bad grammar and pronunciation (and enunciation), bad music, and bad everything luh generally. i guess the easiest way to sum up our lack of interest is how he's always 'has every table came up to get the paper?', 'uhhh, i don't think every group is up here', 'i think a table didn't write their names and numbers', and 'okay never-mind, i think we got an extra piece'. we were that uninterested.

still, prom was freaking amazing. best night of my 18 years thus far! pictures plus captions:

this is the view from the hotel's executive longue. kau's mom is amazing for getting us an executive room and having us only pay 50 each while she tops up the rest. didn't really take pictures of the room since it's just a room luh, though an insanely spacious and beautiful one. it was so upper-class that we had to phone room service and have them (in their exact words) 'send their engineer up to check' because we didn't know how to turn on the shower.

i didn't have a mask but they did! nobody used it in the end though.

you know, we never have a group photo where everyone is in it. i look bad in this but since it's a group photo i'm obliged to use it.

the gorgeous anne.

and you know, i went to anne's table to try their non-halal food but it was just as unspectacular as ours.

you see, neither photos were proper group photos because there will perpetually be missing people. oh, i was red because i took two shots of tequila. and before that i had quite a bit of chivas.

and then we:

went to zirca

where i got bored

so i left with larmy and vas

and we went to the bridge

to chill and hang,

and then the riverside

with kau and dewi.

the next day:

sars, kae, and larmy went to NUS

to collect my prize with me.

it was incredibly awkward

but in a funny way.

---

best night of my life, basically. though the 85 dollars spent on prom could probably have been better spent. not a clubber so that was probably the first and last night of my life where i go clubbing with the intention of clubbing, which means future clubbing escapades will occur because i'm either meeting someone, bringing people (like mich), or other reasons.

i'm a pub-person, yeh.

day 11 prose:

2011-12-10T00:27:00.000+08:00

two hour has passed but the woman still remains rooted to that exact spot she had been in upon her entrance. what is different, however, is how she no longer wears that look of excitement and felicity she did as he saw her entering, almost prancing, through the entrance -- two hours ago. instead, her face has become sort of a mixture of anxiety, worry, and melancholy. he does not know why, he does not think that it is in his place to ask why either.

he rotates his chair to follow her eyes and sees her staring at a man in a jet-black suit approaching her, strangely wishing that it was the person she was waiting for. regardless, he would not know even if it was him since he is a distance away and it is not in his place to know anyway. he sees the man leaning towards the woman and whispering in a way he thought was too professional while her countenance with overflowed with eagerness.

and as soon as he leaned back to walk away from her swiftly, he saw her face contort into an expression he has never quite seen before yet knew what it was: despair and grief. he saw tears trickling -- then pouring from her eyes as her knees gave way and she collapsed onto the marble. he got up to walk towards her but stopped, thinking that it was none of his business, and not in his place either. biting his lip he shuffled through the idea of leaving the scene or going up to help her. he swore under his breath and went up to her.

"hey ma'm," he awkwardly asked, "what's wrong?"

---

PLAYING WITH POINTS OF VIEW SO YEAH. IT'S PRETTY BAD ACTUALLY, not in a humble way but in a seriously-it's-quite-bad way. too many adjectives and tautology. but i don't know how to inject expression into a stranger observing an emotional situation! gah, hopefully i'll get better.

anyway,

poetry (here)

day 10 prose:

2011-12-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

her eyes flickered open: pupils dilated and glistening beneath the street lamps; street lamps which fail in their occupation as all they did was shroud the area with a depressing yellow and cast grim, menacing shadows. she sighs and watches her breath condense into a gloomy fog before dissipating into darkness... just like the rest, she thought, flicking her fingers and drawing a deep breath. she could feel the nicotine glue to her lungs and take effect: a mild euphoria billowing from her chest, of which died almost instantaneously-- she had done this too much and too long for it to have a lasting effect. forget it, she thought as she released the stick and watch it fall to the ground before crushing it with her foot.

---

poetry (here)

day 9 prose:

2011-12-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

we paint ourselves in such demeaning ways just to vie for the attention of inattentive people; inattentive people we fall for, that is. jump through hoops (hoops on fire!), scale mountains (without a harness!), swim across oceans (sharks, oh sharks!), and everything else that risks our lives. we humiliate ourselves (rather willingly, i must say) doing the strangest, most hilarious things we never thought we would ever do (perform). and funnily enough, we continue doing these things even when our attention-seeking ways come to naught! such fervent perseverance (more like foolish pursuit) displaying our passionate (naive) character. even if this relentless race reaches nowhere we'll still continue to run (i'm sure we would!).

and for what? for love of course!

---

poetry (here)

crease:

2011-12-06T19:20:00.001+08:00

okay i've been trying to iron my shirt for the past hour and a half and it still looks wrinkly. Z says cotton's difficult to iron and creases easily. ugh. so fuck it, i'm just gonna iron the visible parts through the blazer. HAHAHA. even then those parts still look wrinkly. i don't get it. i pass the iron through it and i look at it and there are still creases everywhere.

now i feel like writing a poem about creases.

2 days and creeping thoughts;

2011-12-06T12:39:00.000+08:00

weekends are much more relaxing. still didn't get my 12 hour sleep because for some reason my body's attuned to wake up at 8.30 or latest 9.30.

anyway, on sunday i went to the gym, lazed around at home, thought about reading but for some reason i changed my mind about it. wrote a lot of stuff though. i think it was the day where the sky turned really gray mid-afternoon and then it started pouring. yeah. rain's a writer's ally.

so anyway, yesterday was awesome:

this was mine and it was heaven. hamburger steak. i've always loved japanese potato salad. i mean, i love the chunky american ones too luh but the japanese like mashing it to a creamy consistency and then add in awesome ingredients (like carrots which i hate but go so well).

larmy's. salmon steak. it was amazing as well! i don't think i've ever had salon cooked that well. and the tomato sauce doesn't taste like the average heinz or nissin brand; they probably made it from scratch. love the pasta (though i'm kinda against japanese pasta since it's a french dish but it was good so.)

we went to shop for more prom stuff, and i decided to get the zara white shirt. it hugs my body really well in a non-slutty way and it's comfy as hell. a little pricey but i suppose i'll be wearing a lot more white shirts in the future so yeah, why not? and i currently only have 2 white shirts. finally got my belt, which took surprisingly long since it was the last item on the list i expected a walk-in at Guess or Gap would easily fulfill but no, we had to walk through the whole mall before finding (surprisingly) nice ones at denizen, which is like 20 each (i got 2, one formal one casual) compared to the a lot less nicer ones from bershka and esprit (which also surprised me because i really thought bershka would have awesome belts). Guess was just disappointing cos' they didn't even sell belts. really thought they would sell awesome ones though since their style's more towards the rugged one.

---

so anyway, random thoughts now:

i still wanna write of course, but lately i feel like i should go more towards scriptwriting or writing for the sliver/gold screen rather than for novels. novels are amazing of course, but it's a dying market and it's super competitive. money aside, i think screenwriting might actually be more suitable for me since i always write my stuff with the imagination of someone actually saying it -- sort of like acting you know? it's also a lot more realistic and impacting for a person to say than for a reader to read it (sans the vivd imagination everyone has). so yeah. anyway, i still have two years to decide so it doesn't matter which aspect of creative writing i delve into luh.

okay now i have to go prepare to go send jojo off. buay.

day 8 poetry:

2011-12-06T00:06:00.001+08:00

puff:
fire
ablaze near
her fingers, the stick burns
brilliantly. her mouth closes;
chest heaving greedily while
her pupils dilate.

in the moment
at that moment
she felt complete --
completion,
and desertion:
puff,
the smoke billows
and clouds
everything.

--

prose (here)

day 7 poetry:

2011-12-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

her memory
ripped --
her like gale
to a blade of grass.

she swam in despair
but it was too much
for her. it pulled her
down like the tentacles
of an octopus.
she was dro--
drowning.

the thunderstorm
hit her -- a face
full of glass...
more like the tip of
a blade to a shaking wrist.

---

prose (here)

day 6 poetry:

2011-12-04T00:24:00.001+08:00

how she had been waiting
so wholeheartedly and excited
at the airport,

that you should have seen her
when it was someone else instead of him
that arrived
with news of tragedy

that you should have seen her
face evolve from one of disbelief
into an incoherent mess
as she fell to her knees.

---

prose (here)

past 3 days;

2011-12-03T19:51:00.003+08:00

today has been a day of complete inertia. i've had a 10-hour sleep (not 12-hour yet but that's good enough), woke up, ate, read, read some more, wrote, wrote a lot, game a little and then got bored, finally browsed my abandoned August magazines (which i tragically have yet to master reading it rather than skimming through for pictures), and now i am here blogging. i meant to go to the gym but my helper's still here after a really long time, not that i'm complaining (of course not) since the house is now spotless. so anyway, i guess i'll just talk about my past 3 days:

on wednesday the balls (annie, tel, jojo) came for steamboat. been forever since we last had steamboat -- last year? nothing much to say since all we did was eat, watch movies, and laze around; the usual bonding stuff. we didn't take any pictures, sadly, but i guess it's because we're so used to one another that there doesn't seem to be a point in documenting our events any longer. you'll have to contend with this measly picture which i'm very proud of because we all spent less than 12 dollars on the respected ingredients we were suppose to buy;

i volunteered to get the incredibly healthy stuff - tofu, cabbage, and the not so healthy drinks. bridesmaids was incredibly hilarious albeit boring at the start. anyway.

on thursday the larmy came over and made an awesome meal for me. it was really good; baked chicken with an oatmeal-cinnamon crust and a salad with a peanut butter dressing. sarah and i were really happy and everyone was eating.

yesterday was very hectic. woke up at 7 to visit my skin doctor for my scalp issues (fucking sucks), then went to SP where i had brunch with michelle before we chilled around hodgepodge places. the difference between the faculties are very apparent. like you can almost-accurately place someone in a particular faculty based on their dressing, speech, and manner, which is pretty discriminating luh but so true. i loved the arts faculty, heh.

oh yeah.

and then i had to rush to city hall to meet jojo for important reasons. i was 45 minutes late but thank god she owes me for all the other times she was. i veered off my diet and had kenny rogers :( for some reason their steamed vegetables and italian green beans are plain horrid. there is really no saving grace for these side dishes. okay, the steamed vegetables were okay luh albeit overcooked (some very overcooked). but the italian green beans... yeah. don't ever get that. we ended up shopping for my jeans which was a complete failure till the last store we visited. Zara was like a spring (non-illusionary) in the midst of a desert. finally completed my look sans a rugged brown belt but that's minor. i wish i was rich enough to get those amazing shoes and incredibly comfortable shirt they have. sigh.

had to rush back (again) to meet the fatteh. had dinner, caught up (we have so much to fill in on each other's lives).

it was an amazing day.

---

and i'm super glad that i've been keeping up with my 30-day writing.

day 5 poetry:

2011-12-03T00:33:00.001+08:00

the view
no one could truly appreciate
that view she had left us with --
the flowers she had so painstakingly
planted, which were set against the beaming
sun, or the perfectly groomed
house with everything
in place and nothing
you could find fault
in.

no one could truly appreciate
the view she had left us with --
that beautiful box, so wonderfully carved
with its intricacy and perfection,
which she now sleeps in forever.

---

prose (here)

life as of late:

2011-12-01T10:38:00.000+08:00

i'm about to head to amore but i don't wanna leave just yet because my coffee isn't finished yet and i'm too lazy to move (or even put on clothes). so i'll just ramble as usual:

so i realise that i cannot (seriously cannot) use any personal pronouns (if that's what they're called) in my writings. stuff like 'I' or 'My', i can't use. stuff like 'We', or 'Our', i can sort of use it but i generally don't cos' it makes the writing a little too didactic. i have no idea why, but i generally don't like to include myself in my writings, which is strange since most or all of my writings have a part of me, even those which are entirely inapplicable to my life involves a small little bit of me. so yeah. and using personal pronouns makes everything sound too arrogant and everything.

another thing i realise is how i'm pretty self-reliant, sometimes too self-reliant. i don't know, it's good i suppose, actually it's very good, but occasionally there's this hollow feeling that nags at you and it's not exactly a comforting emotion. i guess it's good for writing luh but nobody ever wants to feel empty right?

which brings me to depression. the past few days have made it almost impossible to write, seriously. i've been too happy and euphoria's the greatest writer's block. especially for me since i'd like to think my style is generally macabre or grotesque -- or anything involving depressing stuff, blood on the floor, brokenness, pain, anguish, bereavement, you know what i mean luh if you read them. so i've been using this amazing technique where i listen to a very depressing song for which inspiration will soon hit me.

okay, too much pensive stuff. photos from my recent liberated life:

this was sunday. the Sars and i went to funan to get games. so happy. piracy made psp games amazingly cheap. i mean, piracy sucks luh but in it's distorted way it's benefitted me. we went to the airport (of all places, i know) to reminisce the times we spent here during our A's. and it hasn't even been a month since they ended.

monday with the Larry. we went shopping. that was Ippudo's ramen and this photo does not do the ramen justice because it is the best ramen i've had in my entire life. well, the soup's a little too thick for my liking but i thought it was delicious. i'm generally not a fan of ginger (which they included a little too generously inside) but it complements the soup really well. plus i think it's good quality ginger cos' it doesn't have that strong of a bite. wow, i should be a food-critic. but anyway, everyone must go to Ippudo. the pork really melts in your mouth and for a hearty bowl i'd say it's worth the price (14 or 17, can't remember).the larry's on her diet so i ate alone. ikr. anyway, we went to get clothes for prom (mainly only for me), where i spent 23 on shoes, which is very very cheap, and 119 on another pair that's for prom, from pedro. i love them a lot. popped the cherry on buying shirts and i think i may actually suit them. almost done with prom stuff.

this was tuesday with two of the three balls. they accompanied me for my facial (metrosexual yo') and we chilled at starbucks for 3 hours - me with my dissidia duodecim before i joined them at monopoly deal. it was more therapeutic than i thought chilling would be.

these were some of our buys (actually the books here are my buys except the two on the far left) at Kino's bargain section, which is now my favourite book-place of all time. you'll never know what wonders you'll stumble upon there and everything i bought there were under 8 bucks. i got a 2011 moleskine which i have amazing plans for, yoga for cats for chesna because i knew she loves cats, around gillingham; the second selection is actually a collection of photographs from the past (in black and white) with captions and brief descriptions, which i thought i would really enjoy, tender morsels being a play Snow White, Red Riding Hood, and Rose Red (some character unknown to me but ethel says she's in Grimm's version). i've got 2 other books but i can't remember their titles now.

---

so this has been my life recently. i suppose i'll be doing more of this so i'd actually remember what i've been spending my time on. alright, gotta go now, say hi to terra for me.

day 4 poetry:

2011-12-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

that unspeakable moment that left
us

heart --

wrenched
and riddled with grief;
overwhelmed in
paralysing melancholy.

we swore never to speak
of it again but little
did we know how
it only became stronger;
that insidious pain with a grip
on our entire being that sucks
the breath, and binds
our bones.

we are broken --
silent sufferers.

---

prose (here)

2011-11-30T00:07:00.001+08:00

fuck, what is with all these negative thoughts overwhelming my mind.

day 3 prose:

2011-11-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

hollow pins lay scattered across the floor she sees no need in picking them up. by the corner she weeps and longs, longs and weeps for the salvation she's recently been waiting for.
and then it came, that euphoria as endorphins flood her brain.
but then it went, that euphoria deadly, deadening her veins.
her pieces of her fragile heart shattered even further, shattered into dust that nobody could or wanted to sweep up,

damaged goods she was, they would all mutter amongst themselves while stealing glances at her as she traversed the unknown. oh how they didn't see the superflous mountains residing across her thighs and wrists, how they didn't know the death of her family leading to the death of herself.

she has been silent, and she has decided to remain silent for as long as she can,

or as long as it takes for her to finally break apart.

---

poetry (here)

day 2 poetry:

2011-11-28T12:56:00.000+08:00

loose
fingers trailed the empty sheets next to her;
her puffy eyes loosely forms a shadow of a figure
that no longer slept
there.

numbed
emotions rob her of her sanity;
her thoughts a cataclysmic mess, she grips her body
that heaves and lurches and crumples.

darkening
skies and heart, the window chatters
with the jarring howls of a thunderstorm

she awakes
and sighs,

she is alone.

day 1 poetry:

2011-11-27T22:00:00.002+08:00

blood red
lips
that stained
the whitest
and purest
sheets.

most
of all
was how
it only
took a
minute
to take
everything
away,
everything.

---

okay i admit, it took me only 5 mins to write this but it's cos' i already had the idea in mind this morning and i was dead set on using superlatives and imperatives to coin this (which i realise i shouldn't be revealing the meaning of my poems since a reader's interpretation is subjective).

prose on tumblr here

post A's.

2011-11-27T10:07:00.001+08:00

HI. A's are finally over and like a liberated sex slave we partied at Kaede's house later that evening. We had potluck and i made (bought and brought) nuggets. i thought mine was the best food in comparison to Dewi's mom's amazing amazing pasta, Tul's mom's awesome awesome pasta salad (it was so good even without the pasta), Larry's mom's potato-mushroom-chicken dish, Sarah's chicken wings, Farisha's godly brownies (THEY TASTE LIKE THEY HAVE WEED IN THEM), Liyana's mom's caramel bread pudding, and Kaede's dad's soup (that also worked as a shabu-shabu base). Mine was the best because i actually made it myself compared to everyone else -- okay sarah made hers too luh, probably from scratch rather than a frozen-ass packaging. oh, and Vas brought drinks.

Anyway, EVERYONE was late except Tuls, Fari, and I.

and then we watched a 3D movie but people with glasses get bad migraines pretty quickly so we changed it to boring-2D. Monster House.

and this is what Kaede can see everyday if she stays with her dad permanently. amazing no? you can actually see MBS from her apartment.

some of the food. look at that awesome salad with sundried tomatoes, apple cubes, tomatoes, pasta, edamame, and other stuff. and look at that late of chicken above, it used to be a whole chicken but masterchef-me with my nimble wrists and kaede's dad's creepily overly sharp knives turned it into individual pieces.

we karaoke-d a lot. and i reached home around 1-ish. everything was awesome.

okay, i'm lazy to elaborate so there's that.

it was a good end to the day, and a good start to post-A's life.

okay gonna go to amore now, and i think today marks the start of my 30-day writing; shall do one tonight.

last day, last day:

2011-11-24T11:50:00.000+08:00

it's 11.30 am and i really should be giving it my all for tomorrow. i just no longer have the mood to study with all these plans i have for after the exam. and it's not that i've lost my drive, actually to be losing your drive before the last paper is incredibly stupid. nah, i've lost it halfway through but found it again an hour later (i bounce back really quick).
so tired, so tired. but heck, last lap (omg this has quickly become a cliche) so i'll be giving it everything i've got.
goodbye.

2011-11-23T22:39:00.000+08:00

A' levels ain't over yet but i've already planned out my schedule for next few days following that:

friday (after the paper): taper jeans, grab ingredients for potluck, larmy's house to chill, kae's house for potluck.

saturday: gym, larmy's coming over to chill, dinner

sunday: sleep in, gym, read, write (will probably being my 30-day writing)

monday: gym, prom shopping

tuesday: facial (ikr, with ethel and ball btw), accompanying them to the salon, awesome dinner

wednesday: gym, laze around, read

---

i feel incredibly scared that i'm not completely prepared for the paper on friday, but there's also a buzzing anticipation for it to just be done with.

2011-11-22T13:57:00.001+08:00

so brit lit was awesome today, though it wasn't exactly my best. but seriously, i felt incredibly witty doing the unseen; thatcher likened to adolf hitler and even the devil. you should have seen my stupid grin as i wrote the paper. my worst turned out to be my best.
didn't think i did well for Kureishi and Hare (best being the worst) so fingers crossed.

with that aside, i'm only one paper away from freedom and the anticipation is driving me crazy. it's actually not one paper but half a paper since physical geog is over (which was fucking horrible by the way). all i gotta do now is give everything i've got (even more than the other subjects) to make up for the crappy answers i had in physical and i'm done for life, no more geography and no more economics (unless god forbid i end up majoring/minoring in them).

yeah...

p.s, my independence scares me sometimes, especially when it develops into some sick desire for isolation. don't get me wrong, i love company (of certain people); but i don't know, it's the company that often leads to a yearning for some me-time. okay, no time for pensive thoughts.

what to do after A's:

2011-11-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

1. camp at the gym
2. buy shoes
3. initiate 30-day writing (prose & poetry)
4. cook
5. intern (still deciding where)
6. read
7. outdoors (preferably nature i.e with grass/sand)
8. art-related-craft
9. sleep in (i need a 12-hour sleep)
10. meet everyone i've been missing so dearly.

asphyxiation:

2011-11-18T23:16:00.000+08:00

the incoherent mass that reduced her into a mess crippled every sensation she has ever felt since her malaise. she lay sprawled on the bathroom floor, covered in her own blood dripping endlessly from the slit she meticulously incised. cigarette in the unmarked hand, she stared nonchalantly at the ripples the droplets would stir; how the calm crimson ocean was enraged by the intrusion of its source. the doorbell has been ringing incessantly for hours, but she saw no point in exertion -- she couldn't even if she wanted to anyway. the room was darkening, but that insidious euphoria that pricked her continued to remain by her side, an old time companion since her days from countless hospitals; hospitals she knew she would never escape if they were to grab hold of her.
she jolted; the cigarette had shortened till it burned her fingers. her surroundings sprung back to life and she scowled, then curiously staring at the blackened mark it has left upon her pallid, aching phalanges.

without warning, a figure burst into the room with a mixture of relief and appall. what are you doing? he exclaimed but expected no answer. in seconds he returned with a towel and lifted her by her shoulders, his unconscious tears further upsetting the red ocean while it spilled across the ivory tiles. she looked at him with eyes of pain and obediently swallowed the pills he gently deposited into her mouth and he stopped walking, his eyes glistening.

and they stood there for a moment, both torn and jaded but grateful with each other's presence as he wrapped the towel across the large scars where her breasts were supposed to be.

2011-11-17T16:50:00.000+08:00

so fucking disappointed with myself. i don't think i did my best for the physical geog paper. I KNOW i shouldn't be all mopey and shit and it's not like i screwed up the entire paper but just part of an essay (which was 16 marks mind you and i've lost 8 marks for sure). i am going to be studying like crazy for human geography to make up for that. fuck you A' levels, fuck you.

if you're homesick

2011-11-13T21:00:00.001+08:00

---

just some random pictures that caught my eye... which are all reblogged on my tumblr so i guess there really isn't any point to this. but yeah, proof of my existence on the blog. for some reason i've gone over to tumblr for my writing stuff but those are the more oh-i-have-fifteen-minutes-to-spare kind of writings and the better (hopefully) ones will still remain here. plus this blog is more about my life anyway.

anyhoo, i'd love to ramble about life and how insanely hectic it is right now given the A' levels and everything. it's agonising how everything starts this week but nothing ends as well.

awesomely enough, everything will end next week! 12 more days and i'll be free, free as a (insert metaphor here). i am so fucking excited seriously i already have a list of things to do which i will list at the end of the post as much as i can till 9.

i probably won't be blogging till the end of the week (or even till the 25th, my last paper) so yeah, just a rando-update.

things to do:

wardrobe refurbish; not like buy new stuff but reorganise it. it's gotten odiously messy since the beginning of the A's. clothes just come out and if not for my grandmother or part-time helper they would never go back in (not that i see a reason they need to but yeah)

prepare for prom; which involves a whole lot of other things.

intern (if i don't enlist early); hopefully for a magazine company. lifestyle, probably. August? MensFolio or Homme's not bad too though they're more on the fashion end. needa build up my portfolio as much as i can before enlisting.

write a fucking lot; to build up my portfolio and improve my writing skills. so yeah... after A's there'll (hopefully, again) be a barrage of writing, mostly proses cos' i'm focusing more on that now. tryna' deviate from poetry - while it is fun to write it, i'm just more of a prose person. maybe i'll do a 30-day challenge (for myself) where i have to write at least a poem and a prose everyday.

sleep; a whole lot. 12 hour sleep after my first paper. really.

go to the gym; my muscles are becoming fats and my fats are becoming rubber. need to tone up for prom, for NS, and for myself (vanity's sake plus health's sake heh). might go there everyday or every other day leading up to prom so yeah.

catch up with friends; seriously, i've been a recluse for ages even before the A's began. so yeah, i miss them so, so much!

okay it's 9. kbye, Auburn and Coetzee are demanding my attention. seriously i think lit students get too involved with their novels. the characters are like my friends now.

flaws:

2011-11-09T14:44:00.000+08:00

body slouched in the bathroom, the girl cringes at the sight of the mirror. she closes her eyes and inhales deeply before opening them to the ghastly figure standing in front of her. she stares at her face, battered with bruises and pits and scars and stained with blotches of red all over. she sighs while her fingers greedily trace every nook and crevice they could find, like the insidious tentacles of an octopus out for blood. her fingers wanted more, and so they sidled down across her face and towards her torso, grabbing and clawing at her bare chest along its way. she stopped above her pit and swore, pinching (as much as could) her skin as though threatening to rip it out. she was close to tears, but there weren’t done yet and clung onto her even tighter. she continued to stare at the figure, albeit now in a disgusting manner. she couldn’t stand what she was seeing! red marks defile her pale skin and continue to grow as those whips lash at whatever they could reach. she sobbed but they wouldn’t stop; they wouldn’t stop till she could take it no longer and collapsed onto the cold tiles.

flaws, but only she could see them.

---

i don't even know why i'm writing when my first paper just ended. and it's not even as good as i want it to be seeing how i only spent 30 mins on this. but yeah, i seriously have no mood to improve upon this (have to start on math!) and i cannot imagine myself coming back to this (anytime soon, anyway).

in other news, i thought GP went well. it wasn't fantastic or anything but it went well. i sure fucking hope they don't penalise me for highlighting the questions. yes, how dumb of me, but well, it's over and i hope everything does go... well.

A levels;

2011-11-07T22:25:00.003+08:00

this is it. and i don't mean to be melodramatic but this is it; after 18 years here comes the test that will very likely define my future... well, unless i end up like steve jobs or something -- but no such luck. the thing is, i don't believe that a piece of paper can define my life (cliche hello). i recognise it's importance but i don't see why it's so important. but if it's gonna move me forward then i have no qualms and i'll just keep trudging forward.

good luck Remus, you're definitely gonna need it. seriously.

but fuck, i need to resolve some issue plaguing me from concentrating fully. fuck it had better be resolved tomorrow.
and it sucks in other news because my heart feels conflicted. i want to talk to you, but i can't because i know now's not the time to involve myself with emotional, otherworldly desires. but yet i want to because me, as a believer in love at first sight or very intense attraction at first sight, want to, lest you slip away and be gone forever. ugh.

i am so not in the right state of mind for the A' levels. i wish i had a punching bag at home - i could use some catharsis through a physical outlet.

androgyny:

2011-11-05T22:52:00.001+08:00

it seems like the more i get to know you... from afar, the more i am enthralled by you. that effortless confidence you seem to carry yourself with has such an unexplainable euphoric effect on me. i don't know, it seems like you -- just being you, has done it. you have perfectly, and rather succinctly, captured the idea of beauty. of course, your physical appearance: skin as white (and creepily, soft) as sheets from the dryer and physique a killer stellar; lean, not from a diet but well-spent hours dedicated to the enriching of your physical health. hair jet-black but stained (the flaw's icing to your beauty so don't worry) with your party-days as streaks of blonde blemish your head of luscious hair. i don't know to what end my creeper-status encircles, but i'd say it has gone pretty far. i've screened through your social networking sites many times and i have artfully slipped your name into conversations with your friend to display my interest. i think i am in love with you.

you are immaculate and i would like to know you.

---

BTW IT'S ENTIRELY HYPERBOLIC.

2011-10-31T23:41:00.000+08:00

fuck. you do always hurt the ones you love.

ugh.

2011-10-30T13:38:00.001+08:00

and just like that he lost

what defined him as

a youth.

strange,

how he didn't

feel

anything at

all.

strange.

memory:

2011-10-28T23:34:00.003+08:00

every vignette of you and him pelts

you like hail.

your bones ache with every cry --

like a storm that cannot stop.

words you thought would heal

becomes gale

that slits your lips and cuts your heart,

a flood past an abandoned park with

that tree that brims with life;

that tree he promised was yours and his,

marked with the gashes of his knife,

your knife which now indent your wrists.

---

i've been slacking in my writing.
ugh, A' levels drain the inspiration right out of me.
and why am i falling behind on my Disgrace essays?!
i think i will wake up at 8 tomorrow so i can exercise early and start studying earlier.
my thoughts are clearly frazzled.
i need to start writing in a more sophisticated fashion.
goodnight.

burn, burned, burnt.

2011-10-27T15:17:00.004+08:00

the rain is calming and cathartic.

when was the last time i had an afternoon-nap again?

yeap, never.

the rain is pouring but i am toiling.

song for the rain:

2011-10-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

i have been slacking way too much recently. perhaps i should be heading to the airport whenever i can and study till 10pm.

perhaps i should.
i think i've been doing way too much lit (neglecting my other subjects along the way). now everything i read my brain just automatically turns on the 'form' mode. yeah.

talk about obsession.

farewell assembly:

2011-10-23T09:01:00.000+08:00

i forgot to set my alarm the night before, but i miraculously woke up on time! i've been trying to cut back on '!' and the unnecessary 'haha' but that's really beside the point. anyway, school has really ended, i don't know. and after our A' levels i really think i'd feel insanely empty not having anything to do. afterall i've been incessantly studying that it sort of became a habit (well, not really, but you get the point).

ANYWAY, last day of school, lots of pictures, awkward performances, really great food at shanky's parents' restaurant yeah. there are way too many pictures i wanna include so page-break now:

- the awesz lit teacher

- awesz geog teacher

- best geog teacher

- best gp and civics tutor. i think my photo-cropping skills are pretty darn good to omit all negative spaces.

- the econs teacher that remembers everything.

- the other awesz lit teacher

- camwhore buds 4 lyfe.

- sunlight calls for photo opportunity with fari and tuls

- the ball gang

-kau pau

- camwhore gurl numba 2.

- larmy! i don't look like me here eh but it's a great picture

- formal, happy, sassy, happy.

- one of my first jc friends! chesnaaa

- telbel! i love the hello kitty polaroid, for real.

- ang-ball! i think we look deceptively (me at least) good here.

- sars! enthusiastic girl, unwilling boy. plus a hilariously placed 'love' balloon lolling in the background.

and after the performance (which i didn't see a need in taking a photo of) we went to shanky's restaurant. it was heavily discounted cos' well... he's our classmate! i've always wanted to have real indian cuisine but never really got a chance to go to one because well... 'hey you wanna go to this japanese place?' v.s 'hey you wanna go to this indian place?'. yeah. anyway, it was just amazing. i've never had naan, always wanted to, and it was better than what i expected it to be. everything else was delicious but the naan was the highlight:

- the complements. i didn't like the one of the left though. the spices were way too overwhelming for me. i loved the yogurt-mint sauce though! it goes well with everything.

- papadum! best i've ever tasted. tad bit oily though but i think it was spice-infused oil or olive oil so it's probably healthy luh

- i can't remember what's the name of this but it's like a begedil but indian-style. plus the nice thing is that it's vegetarian and super-healthy! it's made entirely of vegetables (spinach and peas) and it's eggless. i don't know they bind the ingredients together without egg but it tastes good and that's all that matters.

- tandoori chicken! it smelled heavenly, and it tasted so so good especially with lime on top.

- this was (rather unbelievable) better than the tandoori. butter chicken. it's so fucking good and i really think it's the best chicken dish i've ever had. actually i can't think of any tastier dish because this beats every other dish hands down. it's not even hyperbolic because it really is that good. plus the sauce complements the naan really well.

- okay i admit, but this isn't that good. kind of a let down cos' i thought it would. i can't remember its name but it's spinach blend(?) with cottage cheese cubes. everyone says it tastes like tofu (the cheese) and i guess it does? the texture is more tau-kwa though. and i think it'd taste better if it had the cheese taste. i know it's healthy though!

- this is seriously amazing. naan is by far the best bread-dish across all cultures, maybe except british cos' i have a thing for bread and butter pudding, okay then, best bread-main dish. i love bread a lot and i'll gladly trade in eating any other form of bread for this. it's almost oil-free, which is of course a lot more healthier than roti prata, yet it tastes so much better! we had the luxury of trying all the naan they have: mint, butter, cheese, garlic. i enjoy every single one of them very, very much.

- dessert, flour ball (cooked in some way) in sugar syrup. i made the mistake of putting the whole ball (that's what she said) into my mouth and the spices just flooded my mouth. wanted to spit it out but that would have been incredibly rude. it didn't taste bad, i just ate it the wrong way. so yeah. we ordered another tandoori anyway so it ended on a high.

it was picture time after this:

- domestic imagery!

- larmy parmy!

- entire class present.

- the balls!

-kau pau again!

so after that we were at a loss of where to go. we (dede, lili, sarah) decided to go to the airport and laughed our asses off. and we also bought magic balls and ignored all the blank stares and judgement. amazing day yay. now all i gotta do is dig deep and start studying. just a little more to go and i'm not ready to give up just yet.

awesome:

2011-10-22T00:00:00.003+08:00

awesome places, awesome food, awesome friends, awesome day.

awesome everything, today.

2011-10-19T21:06:00.003+08:00

this is an amazing poem:

---

and i'm in my strange-fascinations mood again. the last time it was enjambment, then parentheses, then form, and now it's sonnet.

omnia causa fiunt:

2011-10-15T23:56:00.001+08:00

this is going to be a long post so...

the first 5 seconds are pretty jarring... i don't know, the instruments seem to clash and that, for some reason, adds to the soothing quality of the song when his voice comes in.

anyway,

so i got pretty bored doing lit and decided to look up fonts for a tattoo i've been thinking of getting (aside from the gun, the leaping wolf, and something else) so here it is:

yeah, here they are. i want it on my left/right upper part of the boob so yeah. i kinda love it even though its grossly cliched. right now i pretty much like all of the fonts but more so the first and the last one. arabic style seems to give it much more depth while the cursive (last one) makes it more elegant... i don't know. anyway i'll probably only get it next year when i'm dead-set on it. i have issues with committing without being fully certain. wow, talk about life.

i think i might be getting the leaping wolf first though.

---

okay so here's a long ass story of the day mich and I met to catch-up on each other's lives. it's been a really long time since we met each other luh cos' of school (me) and her trip to beijing so it's refreshing to meet her! we decided to cut up my overly tight (slutty) school pe t-shirt into a vest (no picture) and also an oversized tee which ended up looking amazeballs:

which is now also my profile picture. i think it looks really really good and i can no longer imagine it to ever have been a tee. might start cutting my other old tees now...

and then we bleached (tried) the pair of jeans i turned into shorts. for some reason after spraying bleach and waiting for more than 2 hours nothing happened. it seemed to have bled a little but that was it, the colour remained the same. so after she left i decided to soak it to remove the bleach and to my horror, the water turned a murky brown. the colour was like me wearing them and rolling in mud and then deciding to wash them. it was that bad. after subsequent washes where the water decided to turn brown, the water changed to a hideous coffee green. i don't get it, really. how is there coffee green in a pair of dark blue jeans? or brown for that matter. more washes later the coffee green turned into a deep blue and then light blue and now it remains in my toilet where it has turned the water gray. on the bright side, the jeans has indeed faded into a lighter colour! but i still don't like it so it'll have to take another round of bleaching.

this gurl has lost weight :/

---

in other news, i have decided that i might just be going to the airport's staff canteen to study alone. home is not productive enough and i am so worried that i won't get straight A's for A Levels (might as well aim high right, i mean, who does this just to scrape through. not me anyway).

so there's that, my life.

hi, i like you (4):

2011-10-14T19:35:00.004+08:00

it's you again, always you. you're so awesome luh. gorgeous and flawless. i can't stand how sars and i are always blatantly gawking at you. it's hilarious! but we do it anyway cos' with your face (and personality... don't really know what you're like but you seem really nice) deserve to have creepers like us, heh. since school is going to end officially i reckon i'll be doing something drastic and totally embarrassing, hoping that it'll all end well and we'll end up as friends and even more (baby you know what i mean). and if we do, you'll find out eventually that i've been a creeper from day one and feel (you better) immensely flattered to have a lover like me. okay, i need to stop fantasizing cos' this might end up going nowhere, operation down the rabbit hole might not work out and i will need to start digging my own hole to bury my shame in. seriously speaking though, you're hot. and i know this may sound pretty superficial but hey, if you're hot inside out then it'll all work out right! plus the fact that i think you're physically attractive while my friends dismiss my open proclamation means something right? i need to stop now because if i continue it will probably end up as a thesis about you.

only you baby, only you.

---

How can you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?

the quote from Blue Valentine left a deep impression on me. i mean, the theme of fleeting love ran throughout the film (almost said 'poem'). i know it's pretty ironic to place this after talking about attraction but yeah. i guess my answer would be that you it doesn't matter. i mean, trust is something so... intangible and abstract that there is no point in defining it. sure, it probably means 'faith in someone'. but what is 'faith'? which again, means 'belief', another abstract word. i suppose all you can do is just to go for it, regardless of what you trust. either it works out or it doesn't (wow, dr. phil). in the end as i'm always telling everyone, it's what happened, not what happens.

/end deep thought.

dede's 18th:

2011-10-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

it was pretty normal, sadly. but we didn't have time to plan an elaborate event! school seems to take every second it can from you.
still, we had a pretty nice celebration:

birthday girl! plus the sarah.

sorry, hair too awesome to not have a picture of it.

i swear this looks pretty candid. why am i even captioning everything... lamely, at that.

stoned woman and dyslexic boy.

gorgeous birthday girl! her hair is amazingly luscious.

LOOK. AT. LARMY.

oh, we got her a hello-kitty portable standing fan (aweszballs). i don't know why the pictures turned out so good (even without edits they already were great). yeah. that's it.

stuck in reverse

2011-10-11T21:22:00.003+08:00

miss fern has been giving amazing poetry practices lately and this is one of them by Gwendolyn Brooks:

We are things of dry hours and the involuntary plan,
Grayed in, and gray. "Dream" mate, a giddy sound, not strong
Like "rent", "feeding a wife", "satisfying a man".

But could a dream sent up through onion fumes
Its white and violet, fight with fried potatoes
And yesterday's garbage ripening in the hall,
Flutter, or sing an aria down these rooms,

Even if we were willing to let it in,
Had time to warm it, keep it very clean,
Anticipate a message, let it begin?

We wonder. But not well! not for a minute!
Since Number Five is out of the bathroom now,
We think of lukewarm water, hope to get in it.

i do not want to be like the couple in the poem; too caught up with their commitments and lacking the time to pursue their dreams to the extent that they seem to be contented with the slightest things that we would deem normalcy. it seems like they're simply going through the motions! and that kinda scares me, thinking if my life would end up like that (okay lah, my life probably won't end up with me wistfully thinking of my hopes and dreams whilst 5 or more children scramble around a cramped apartment - but you get the drift). i especially like (and dread) the third stanza cos' it really highlights the conflicting life they have - chase their dreams or attend to their tangible, breathing commitments who they cannot simply give up on (unless they give them away but that's a different story).

i don't wanna ever get carried away by life. i want to get carried away with life.

and i didn't achieve much today, ugh. i guess i did finish next week's poetry comparison (which was very relatable but i felt that my essay lacks rigour though :/) but that's all. sigh, bye.

lights will find you

2011-10-10T20:53:00.000+08:00

i don't think i blogged about my week, not that it was exciting or anything. actually it was unbelievably dull; school has siphoned all that is left of my social life. i would actually post photos about the sarah and my trip to town yesterday but i have no photos. the thing is, i brought my camera but i left the damned battery at home. and i was so excited to take photos cos'... i wore a new outfit that day and i really love it. vain, i know, but who cares luh - embrace your vanity. and i don't even think i'm that vain lor, just proud of my putting-an-outfit-together skills. actually on hindsight (and whilst wearing it) my outfit wasn't that good luh. jeans may match boots but straight-cut jeans look baggy and i don't have any skinnies to go with it. guess i'll (never though i'd say this) get a pair sometime. plus the food we had at medzs looked so sumptuous and amazing. owell.

what i will be sure to record though, is michelle plus me on thursday. we are going to:

bleach my jorts

cut up a way-too-tight tpjc tee into a tank

watch a movie (?)

and now i end this post abruptly, which, wasn't really about me week. huh.

potential songs for my lover and i:

2011-10-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

1. lykke li - sadness is a blessing

2. platters - smoke gets in your eyes

3. penny and the quarters - you and me

4. temper trap - sweet disposition (!!!)

5. landon pigg - can't let go (acoustic)

6. beach boys - don't worry baby

7. mcfly - i'll be your man (acoustic)
8. ingrid michaelson - the way i am

if you're the sort who enjoys oldies (2, 3, 6) and alternative then you'll definitely recognize that i'm the sappy lover who takes my music seriously. i don't know, there's just something about the oldies that screams 'love' and 'romantic' compared to most of the modern songs these days. okay, some of the songs aren't exactly lovey-dovey and are actually kinda depressing but they make perfect love songs from the vibe they give! now i realise this is super ironic compared to two posts back. owell. this list will continue to grow.

---

i just have to throw this in even though it doesn't fit the post:

"sometimes i have the immense urge to call him despite the pain he's caused me. sometimes i just have to call him, to hear his voice. that doesn't make me feel better, but that makes me think of what we had, and what we had were some of the best times of my life."

"... what if she picks up? what will you do then?"

badum

2011-10-07T00:05:00.001+08:00

drowning in school work. one lit essay down, five more to go -- great. i had better be some literary genius by the time i'm done with these essays, or at least permanently improve from the high C's i'm averaging to a low B (at least!) i receive now and then. my poetry's really bad so i'm going to focus a lot more on that. why am i even saying this when it probably isn't relatable.

and then there comes the other subjects, which i really hope i haven't peaked yet, because there's still so much room for improvement. gah, everything's going to end really soon, which makes me wonder when i'll ever have to involve the multiplier or the formation of a karst landscape in my life. surely, some of the stuff i get from education wouldn't be so meaningless right? the massive consults i'll be having next week must definitely mean something right? i am as uncertain as how what i learn from intensely-intensive revision next week like a philosopher pondering whether the sun will rise tomorrow.

for one, i know lit will forever and always stay with me. i mean, i'm very likely going to major in creative writing/english/lit so that will definitely help, not to mention how we can apply our studies of the human condition in our plays. ugh, this is all so jarring (baby i know).

and why am i falling ill again?! whatever happened to that immaculate immune system you enjoy temporarily after a bout of illness. i don't get it, seriously i don't. so i'm gonna shut up and chug my herbal tea and cooling water and such (i am traditional like that, but i'm also gonna get western meds luh).

2011-10-05T21:28:00.001+08:00

i'm so adverse to relationships that it depresses me.

what is it with me and forming real human bonds?

maybe i'm an alien.

well take me home, mothership,

take me home.

and this song is so ironic that it's depressing me even further.

chaos, it enriches my mind

2011-10-02T10:51:00.005+08:00

gonna quickly jot down my week before i head out cos' i know when i get back i'll be too busy with homework to log it in.

i can't really remember what happened during the week (i don't even think there was a highlight... sigh, my social life). barely went out -- actually i don't even think i went out. okay, i'll just talk about the things i can remember now, which are probably the only things worth remembering.

friday (yeah, the other days preceding were probably too dreadful to remember) was amazing because it was a month after my birthday and (gonna be listing now) Sars, Tuls, Lili, Kau, and Fari celebrated Larmy and my birthday! we were all too busy a month ago with the prelims and everything so yeah... a month's delay.

okay, it's not exactly a celebration since we didn't go out to have a meal or anything (that's celebration to me) but they got an amazing, amazing, chocolate cake (from emicakes!) that was unbelievably moist. i only had a piece luh. wasn't feeling chocolatey and i had way too much junk along the week and everything.

they made me a gorgeous card (will post a picture another day) with their messages written on hello kitty stickers. DISCLAIMER: i like hello kitty cos' it's amazing she/he/it survived for such a long period and has become this icon for consumerism and everything but i'm not a hard-core fan. actually i like the message she/he/it represents more than her/him/it. yeah.

they also got me a mini hair-straightener (yet to try) and i guess that's just a step closer to complete self-obsession. really loved it.

right after that was bitches b rollin' day with the Sars. watched Blue Valentine, it was awesome albeit slightly disappointing (especially the ending... god, the ending was kinda bad). the acting, direction, and set was so real without all the fanciful shit. now i have decided to pick up the ukelele and learn you always hurt the ones you love and serenade my future girl (or guy, whatever) with it. i know right, totally inappropriate lyrics but tremendously sweet. took a few photos with my blazer to decide what look i'm gonna go for in prom... which are here:

wonderfully pretentious right, baby i know. little do you know that i was in unglamorous home-shorts. anyway. i'm thinking i'm definitely not gonna go too formal for prom because that's just lame and unsuitable for singapore's weather (not that a blazer is luh but hey) so i'm thinking a blazer with a tee/buttoned shirt (everyone says to go shirt but it's so freaking hot) with awesome black jeans (or maybe pants), and boots. i think it'd be rugged and awesome luh but then again, it may be too informal. i really wanna get a double necklace or a dreamcatcher necklace to go with the look instead of my key to make it look even more amazing. the blazer fits really well by the way.

moving on, saturday was study-day and the Larmy came over. OH i made her a present (cos' our birthdays are a day apart and we decided to virgo-gift-exchange) which took me 4 hours (can you believe it). picture another day but yeah. Lilipoop and the Anne came over before we went to CS to get a bag cos' mine's terribly torn and the zips no longer... zip. wanted to get a pretentious dreamcatcher to hang on the bag but there weren't any. still, finally a new bag!

that's pretty much it for the week. i'm thinking of saving up for a topman rucksack (not a topman fan but i love their bags and shoes... i'm not going to use the word 'accessories') but larmy thinks i can get it at a cheaper price because it looks kinda cheap (it does, on hindsight). the asian spirit in me screams 'thrifty' so i think i will save and look around for a nicer and more inexpensive piece. i'm glad i no longer spend on games... but now i spend on clothes so i guess it sort of offsets my saving-spending.

okay i really have to leave now so there's that. my week, dear diary. HAHAHA.

p.s, i'm incredibly attracted to people with high (even lofty) aspirations with intelligence. god, so sexy. i mean, of course i get annoyed if you're smarter than me (seriously, nobody wants to be the loser/dumb one in a relationship) so i would want to be better than you in some aspects or whatever. i'm so attracted to your intelligence that i think i'll add you in 'hi, i like you' when i write one again. AND NO ONE CAN SAY I'M SUPERFICIAL COS' HELLO, INTELLIGENCE EH.

p.p.s, i am going to get a tripod and embrace my inner narcissism. but it also means awesome pictures with friends! heheheh

hi, i like you (3):

2011-10-01T23:54:00.003+08:00

hi i like you, because you're really really hot and just so i don't come off as superficial, your character seems amazing from a stranger's (creeper) point of view. i don't think i have ever thought anyone in real life to be that hot and larmy says i've attached 4-different adjectives to her insult to you (she calls you a rabbit... jeez) but that's because her insult is invalid and you look awesome. like neon trees "i wanna be more than friends". but then again, we need to be friends first and i don't know how to break the stranger-creeper barrier between us.

hi i like you, even though you made me so embarrassed with myself for doing something thoroughly foolish. oh well, you're still gorgeous.

hi i like you, ACTUALLY I'M FUCKING PISSED AT YOU RIGHT NOW AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THIS SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE. you are so annoying and i don't know what you're trying to do because you're incredulously capricious like that one katy perry song where she rants about her beau being hot n' cold. sheesh, either leave me the hell alone or be a little more consistent. i'm not an emotional towel that's always hanging on the rack you know. the more i think about it the more livid i get.

hi i like you, actually i don't. i feel the same for you as the aforementioned individual but i'm not as pissed, more of annoyed. but if you're gonna be like this in the long-term then seriously, just piss off. ugh. and i'm seriously peeved when people ask or say something obscure and i reply "huh?" or "what?" to clarify but you go "nothing, nvm".

2011-09-29T21:54:00.002+08:00

i am so fucking sad and depressed,

because i cannot do anything

while my friend is in a state of emotional suffering.

things i did in the week:

2011-09-25T18:30:00.002+08:00

my week was pretty good, especially after studying like crazy for the prelims. my week was so fruitful so this post is exorbitantly long. digressing, i really wanna work for hugo boss or zara or a slick brand just to look smart and well-put together everyday. then again, i really wanna intern for a writing company like August (HAHAH if possible) or i don't know. continuing...

1. went out with the larry to get stuff she needs. we had lunch at raindrops, which wasn't very good... i guess the ambience is pretty sweet, but the food was (and i quote larry) "disappointing and their standards dropped". they were alright luh but weren't exactly to-go-back-for.

the ambience is quaint and homely. and it was drizzling so i guess it added to the 'raindrops' element.

carbonara w/ mushrooms, bacon, eggs

salmon steak w/ butter sauce & vegetables

the butter sauce looks deceptively good. deceptively because while it looks tasty, it actually tastes pretty shit.

bottom line is, you can go for the ambience luh. or you could try the other food they have (the truffle fries and sliders our neighbours had looked awesome). we went to h&m andi spent 173 there. i thought it was a decent spend, like it wasn't overboard or anything. i got a pair of hiking boots for 80 that can pass off as 150, a nice-looking waterfall top (crop neck that droops in front) for 25 (pretty expensive but looks good luh k), and an amazingly amazing knitted cardi for 60. happy with my buys, we had cinnamon buns from marche next (awesome segue, baby i know) and then pork rib noodles and dumplings from the food court. the cinnamon buns are very very good even though they were cold.

met Z for the night and we caught up. that is all.

2. the larry and lili came over cos' she (lars) needed to make a rainbow cake.

no picture of the final product cos' she didn't assemble it here.

also helped her prep stuff for a celebration she's doing. we are awesome friends.

this picture's great though it's blurred. but i guess it's great cos' it's blurred. idk why my face looks normal even though i mosaic the hell out of it.

i don't know if it's talent that made lili take these pretentiously artsy photos or what... or it's just her bad skills at focusing... or taking photos for that matter.

3. met the fat after ages. we had astons and then killineys and like old people we headed to my house cos' after all, it's not like two 18-year-olds have anywhere else to be on a holiday night, right? oh, we played the arcade and i forgot how fun it was! house of the dead 4, baby. tried to beat the highscore for photo hunt but we didn't make it... sigh.

at this point it's appropriate to mention the facepainting session we had weeks ago, which i didn't blog about because it's related to her present:

hair's fucking shit from way back but owell. seriously, it looks like an onion omg.

the rest is up on fb. anyway, i made her an awesome present that took me ages to make because of the tedious layering of photographs as seen here:

it isn't as easy as it looks, seriously.

that, apart from dismantling the photo frame and cutting up the plastic board to fit it into the frame perfectly, took about 2 hours. if you count the time i spent trying to puzzle all the photos such that it fills the entire board (which inevitably, still failed) then i suppose it's around 3 hours? basically, i wouldn't do it just for anyone. yes, i am praising myself but if you did make this yourself you probably would too. thoroughly proud of myself because in the end it looks like this:

on hindsight, i could have done something to make the frame look better but i didn't know what to do with it.

the present wrapped with newspaper because i don't have wrapping paper. she's holding a hugeass naked picture of me (that's what i told her luh). come to think of it, it would be hilarious if it really was a naked picture of me, like the ones of narcissistic owners of grand mansions.

and she loved it... or that's what she told me luh. i mean, she probably did since she commented on the 631 (microsoft word count) worded essay at the back.

4. school on friday. by school i mean only one lesson because geog was cancelled. spent after-school with anne waiting for her boy - i'm always accompanying people, baby i know. amore and then tuls, lili and sarah came over. tried a hair-straightener with an unnecessary amount of fear for burning off my scalp, but hey, it was my first time. fairly successful luh but either sarah's straightening iron isn't an awesome one or that i cannot comprehend why in the world people would spend so much time doing this. i think it's probably the latter. it takes so long just to get the iron heated to a desirable temperature, and then there's the whole arduous process of clamping your hair repeatedly, and then you have to wax it to hold it in place. though i might do it for prom if my hair grows to the cole mohr style i'm still trying to emulate but my hair ain't thick and long at the fringe enough.

and then we cut my old jeans into jorts because i no longer wear them. by we i mean me. my first time and it was successful... not that you can actually fail cos' it's just a matter of marking where you wanna cut it and then actually cutting it (unless you cut way too much). i cut up two jeans and i'm gonna go to the tailors to hem one up and fray the other one at the ends. and then i'm probably gonna get sandpaper to fray the bodies of both up a bit together with pencil knives for the rugged look; potential fashion student, baby i know. OH, and i'm gonna bleach the hideous dark blue pair (hopefully) till it's light blue. lets hope it doesn't turn white... though i suppose it would look pretty good white luh.

there aren't any pictures so it's all hearsay but once i get down to it there will be! will probably document the process of bleaching so it's all good. i'm tryna' get the frayed end pair to look frayed like this and the bodies of both to be about as cut up as the one peter adrian (the dude) has:

his red (or magenta, as sarah says) cardigan is amazing!

so this was my week. yep yep. and so i end off abruptly with this depressing soundtrack.

and idk why but it irks me that there exists people from the different sections of the arts view themselves as superior over the others. i don't care if you're a fashion student but just because your field is much more tangible and accessible than mine/ours (literature, english, blah) doesn't mean that it endows you with the authority to look down on mine/ours. i know that the way one dresses is an instant doorway to that individual's personality but without language the world would be nothing. you probably have no idea how powerful and influential words can be (hence, your supremacist perceptions) and i appreciate them so, so much that i would choose them over fashion (unless it's fashion article writing then... that might be a different story). gah, i don't know why i'm so annoyed over this but i suppose i shouldn't cos' the people who view themselves as superior are probably inept with words. i'm so annoyed right now so here's a haiku. HAHAH:

your warped perception

of superiority

will be your own death

the end. i even dictionary-referenced to make sure 'superiority' is 6 syllables.

2011-09-24T21:56:00.001+08:00

惨了，我星期一有华语B A'水准考试...

他妈的.

HAHAHAHA

---

anyway,

how many mazes do you think you've built

to the path into your heart?

your labyrinth

seems inescapable,

and unsolvable.

you trap us in there with hopes

and dreams of what will be

at the end,

but in the end

they were nothing

but illusions

of false sense and insecurities--

insecurities of your foolish desires

to be loved

by lovers

who would have done anything

for you,

anything.

now we're trapped starving and dying

in the moments

you've created

to lure us

into the labyrinth

you name

your heart.

---

the friday today:

2011-09-24T01:02:00.000+08:00

only one lesson in school, lazed around till the gates were open. lunch with the balls, laze around my house thereafter. amore before Tuls, Lili, and Sars came over. had a go at hair straightening, watched funny videos, cut up my old, no longer worn jeans into jorts (which was highly successful, i must say), watched even more funny videos.

this is life, i must say.

that is, of course, before next week begins and life gets hectic all over again.

gotta blog about:

town-day with lars

baking day and

fat day.

2011-09-20T23:48:00.002+08:00

"you know i can't do this"

"do what?"

"give you everything i have and expect nothing back"

mmhmm

2011-09-19T20:36:00.001+08:00

prelims are finally over! yay!

oh, i was tremendously proud of myself today because i asked for extra paper before kau. and yes, it's the dumbest thing to be happy over but seriously, with the amount both of us usually write (not being conceited), i'm always too slow to actually pen down all of the stuff i want to include in my answers, so yeah. didn't matter in the end anyway since we used it all.

anyway,

i have many things to log down so i don't forget them in the future. and because school has been a twat that made it impossible to do so, i've actually forgotten what it is i want to record, that is, till i check the past posts (i typed what i would log):

1. face-painting with the Fat;

... which i cannot blog about because i don't want her getting any of the pictures yet. OH. i can put this up though cos' i couldn't stand not being able to use any of the pictures for a facebook profile photo

my hair's so bad but i don't really care.

2. tung lok with the peeps;

... nothing much to talk about actually. i mean, we went there after some paper before a week's break from the next. the food was still... good. we stuffed ourselves with so, so much slices of sashimi (salmon). i didn't wanna put any pictures cos' they're all in iphoto and will take ages to upload cos' the files are all so big. but then i realized you can actually click and drag the photos into the browser and a photo image url comes up! wow. ... okay then i realize i can't cos' it's just a filename and not a proper url.
but if you go there you must have:

the ice-cream puffs, for sure, like 5 per person.
the salmon sashimi, definitely,
crispy fish skin with salted egg yolks, not really to die for luh but they love it so i guess it's that good,
the carrot cake, which only i love a whole lot and i cannot fathom why the rest aren't,
the century egg porridge, kinda like crystal jade's but not as good,
the beef slices, that are amazingly and unbelievably tender,
the herbal jelly, ... actually pretty normal but i guess if you're eating so luxuriously and the food's so rich then you might as well throw in something to balance the heat-iness (i believe in that heaty-cooling body balance thing),
and i guess that's pretty much it?

we were majorly embarrassing, which the waitresses actually enabled it: they gave us a pen and the menu to indicate the number of portions per chosen dish. i know right, students.

moving on...

3. sukiya;

with michelle and valerie. it was awesome cos' they gave me a birthday present :). okay it wasn't awesome only because they gave me a present but yeah, icing on top. i love the black cardigan from F21men though it's a lil' too big but i guess i can wear that for days i'm in the loose clothing mode (slut alert, but not really). mich also made me this awesome flexi ball she took ages to make cos' they're made of 60 individual pieces of intricately folded origami that is this:

and then we went to secret brick wall to take these:

loving how pretentious this shot is

yay

---

i actually still have other stuff to blog about like my birthday with the boobs. next time!

growing up:

2011-09-18T14:12:00.000+08:00

inappropriate moment (Geog paper tomorrow) but i just gotta write this down.

in 5 years i've changed a lot! like huge transformation (which i refuse to credit as good or bad). in the past i was just an average science kid, like the most cliched of science kids, you know, triple science and a.math. i hated it, well... not really hate, more like dislike Physics and Chemistry (and till this day i still do). i had insanely bad skin (still do, but not as dreadful), a really bad haircut, zero dress sense, and a pre-teen still pretty much unexposed to the real world, living my life in a warm bubble only to realize the world isn't as simple as it is till i've stepped out (or was violently pulled out of) it, as Kyra would put it.

and just as much did the superficial aspects undergo metamorphosis (for good or bad), so has what defines me as a person. i am still idealistic, hell yes, if anything i've become even more idealistic. my lofty aspirations exalted even more but i shan't talk about it lest it gets depressing; what with leading a self-sustaining life and everything. the point is, i am no longer the person that i am 5 years ago. life and its tribulations (funny, what tribulations could an 18 year old encounter) have hardened me, but if anything, life and its tribulations have also taught me how possible things can become if you try hard enough. i'm not saying i'll become a successful writer living the life, writing what i want, living a fairly luxurious or decent lifestyle just from publishing enough books in which the author only earns 70cents per sold copy, of course i'm not! but i'm saying that life has taught me that trying your best is all that matters, even if your efforts don't come through. enough about aspirations.

growing up has reinforced my foundations on who i really am. i have more or less understood more about myself, and i definitely know more about myself than i did years ago. this will continue to change as i age, and i'm not sure what to think about that since there is a clear difference between being presented with who you are, and accepting who you are. after much confusion and ambivalence, i currently accept who i am, but i don't know if i will the next time i change. accepting yourself is exhausting. it drains the life right out of you, as if life hasn't already.

i have become a better person, that i can say for sure. of course it doesn't mean i'm a good person but well, i think i'm a fairly good person? john green has taught me that we shouldn't expect people to be who we want them to be, but accept them for who they are. in a matter of two sentences those words have succinctly changed my relationships with others. i have also learnt the sad truth that people come and go, friends come and go, even the close ones. and i'm fine with that because that's life. it is not a prison where the people who enter will be trapped with you forever. it is a glass cage of population: you, where people from the outside judge for themselves whether they want to enter and start whatever degree of relationship with you. and just as easy as they enter, the door's always wide open for them to leave, and i am fine with that. but it doesn't mean i feel nothing about it. of course i get sad when people leave, but i guess that's life's harsh reminder that it goes on whether you like it or not. i am no longer one who sits about moping in the past over the loss of whatever.

in understanding more about myself, i have realised that i am not who i thought i once was. i used to hate literature (yes, the audacity!) in sec 2 because i didn't get it. i loved science for its simplicity and straight-forwardness because there can (very usually) only be one answer. now i mull over the intentions of authors, poets, and playwrights, thinking why science students can't excel because all they have to do is memorise a specific and only set of answers and regurgitate distastefully within a time limit while us arts students grapple joyfully with the lack of specific answers as we find our (the lit teachers always say) own personal voices and shape our creativity with answers the rest of us would never think of just to get an edge above the rest because in the arts, your opinion actually matters, not the late-night discoveries of scientists. i have learnt (but yet to master) the art of penning eloquent sentences, twisting words and interpretations to my favour (which also applies to real life), employing rhetorics and so on. in short, i have learnt that language is power, and will forever be in power as long as we humans continue to exist. the arts is competitive, the arts is challenging, but the arts is amazing (see, anaphora).

i guess that's all for now, the geog notes are a nagging presence to get back to them.

this is it for now.

hi, i like you (2):

2011-09-15T22:35:00.003+08:00

1. yes i do. OMG you actually spoke to me yesterday OMG. *adds on facebook. great, now we're 'friends' of which i'm the creepy stalker, yay, roleplay foreplay (kidding... not really... nah). and i was way too stoned to realize till Sarah told me at night. damn.

2. i still do and it kinda irks me cos... yeah, let's just leave it at that else i'd go on writing a paragraph and then a thesis but anyway, i still do! but sheesh, not as much as i used to. i mean, you're great and all but why do you gotta go be someone you're not?! i mean, i'm totally fine (in fact i'd do that to) with not acknowledging something you don't want to through misleading answers (though you probably will not have the capacity to luh, since you're not really good with words and everything...). actually i'd give totally misleading and unasked-for answers just cos' it's hilarious but anyway, i wouldn't blatantly lie about who i really am! it's like telling someone you hate nachos but deep inside you love them like how a bulimic loves the toilet. there's a difference between:

said situation 1;

'do you like nachos?'

'NO I HATE THEM, GOD THEY SUCK SO BAD. WHY DO YOU EVEN ASK THIS. NEVER NACHOS NEVER.'

(when you love them to bits)

v.s. said situation 2;

'do you like nachos?'

'like how you love your dog.'

(when friend does not have mentioned pet)

'whatever floats your boat, beb'

'i don't know, do you, hobo?'

'pie.'

see the difference: denial and hilarious digression. jeez.

3. i do but the reason is just plain lame. we share similar interests. but like how chick lit authors (which i assume they would... stereotypes are based on a general truth) are always preaching that 'similarities provide the foundation to every relationship and then the difference comes in and ...' i do! still, you're a really pretentious person (and i already am fairly pretentious) and Joanna says you look like an elf... that needs no explanation.

4. just cos' you're zoe saldana and i'm remus ang. what more need i say? by the way, Colombiania, totally going to watch that.

5. i will forever love you adele. i love how progressively unrelated this post is.

---

macklemore is insanely good.

he is amazing.

like eminem.

okay, maybe not like eminem. if eminem were king he'd be the prince though.

OKAY BYE GEOG. dang this is a long post.
baby i know.

heart:

2011-09-11T19:57:00.002+08:00

"my heart is bleeding, so, so badly".

wait, what? what are you talking about? that's what the heart is suppose to do, you fool.

you seem to be caught up in this delusion that your heart is suppose to do anything other than bleed.

of course it bleeds! else you wouldn't be standing up right now,

else you wouldn't be alive right now.

silly fool,

you had better vanquish any foolish ideology on the 'soul' or 'matters of the heart'

before people catch what you're saying,

and mock

you for it. silly

fool.

if ever your heart stops bleeding,

well --

well,

then you had better start worrying

cos'

you're

probably

dying,

if what you say is 'killing you'

isn't

already.

right?

silly

fool.

silly...

--

---

a play on form. ikr, not a very opportune moment midway into the prelims. the idea got me thinking at 2 in the morning, in bed, tryna' recall Malthus and his foil, Boserup's theory. how poetic. my tonsils are swollen as hell but i'm a trooper and i don't want to have slogged my guts out studying for nothing...
baby i know.

2011-09-10T19:20:00.000+08:00

ugh:

2011-09-08T23:06:00.000+08:00

We are always
excited with the intrusion
of an unexpected stranger
into our lives;
unexpected, but
welcomed.

And then the excitement fades
and all we see are flaws;
flaws we cannot ignore.

We try to look past the flaws,
and it succeeds;
a secret
stowed deep inside a closet.

But flaws,
they stay:
a nagging memory
begging
to be recalled
to engulf your mind,
your soul,
with thoughts
you cannot ignore.

at-traction, re-traction.

2011-09-02T23:05:00.003+08:00

why is it that the more we talk to each other, the more i fall for you?

but why is it that the more we talk to each other, the more i'm less interested in you?

silly boy, it's called attraction! here's how you get over it:
realize that even though they mean a whole lot to you,
you, like your individual self-worth,
the one that defines you?
they don't really care about that,
that really doesn't matter to them at all.

---

i want:

brown cardi,

sneakers, formal-ish shoes,

shorts, jeans, chinos.

going to (update about):

face-painting

tunglok

sukiya

right now:

A.A Bondy - I can see the pines are dancing

love this song forever.

i am a fire and i must burn today.

commit-ment:

2011-08-30T16:04:00.001+08:00

so obsessed with this trailer, never been so obsessed with a trailer.

---

commitment.
commit-ment.
ambivalence clouds the ability for conformity,
the virtue of devotion is questioned,
mocked is loyalty, of which was famed.
such, in society today, is distorted, twisted:
entrapment, mundanity, conservative.
a choice to commit
or commitment to choice?

the disregard of commitment
in the pursuit of commit-ment,
we find ourselves lost:
commit-ment
committed.

memory:

2011-08-29T11:13:00.001+08:00

memory:

transfixed,

transgressed,

entrapped,

trapped.

me-mory,

catacombs,

cataclysmic,

entrapped,

trapped.

nothing:

2011-08-28T21:21:00.004+08:00

i cannot write when i am feeling

nothing,

just nothing.

so i'll write about feeling nothing.

---

bouts of anxiety
interspersed with confusion --
disillusionment.

erratic, formless thoughts,
cloud these emotions.

emotions,
emotions-less,
emotionless.

in a second i am nothing.

knowing:

2011-08-28T14:00:00.004+08:00

if only you knew
the pain she was going through;
mind infected with the lull of illusive voices,
scars stowed beneath layers of loose clothing,
organs heaving to support a system caked white with chalk

then perhaps you’d know
that beneath this nonchalant, stolid facade
hides a scared girl unaccustomed
to death.

death:
is what she’ll be if
no one is going to save her.

but no one can save her,
because no one knows.

no one cares.

im(mortal)

2011-08-26T19:37:00.001+08:00

Arches pulled at the skin on her back, as though threatening to rip it apart if they were trapped any longer. Desperate fingernails scrawled till porcelain skin turned into red marks and into tiny droplets of blood; she was trying to free them!
But alas, nothing was happening, nothing was working, for the wings she thought were growing were merely tired bones and broken joints. In the second she realized her foolishness, her body slumped into the floor like a pool of water. Her disillusion was drowning her.
She realized her foolishness when epiphany struck her like free-falling without a parachute: she was nothing more but a mortal confined within the cages of the earth.
She was trapped, and there was nothing that could set her free.

hi, i like you:

2011-08-24T22:50:00.004+08:00

hi, i like you, but you don't. or at least i think you don't. i don't know. but i like you somatically more than i like you emotionally. you behave like a stick, i'm sorry, there's nothing deep about that, and it's probably an arts thing for me to think of you this way. i still like you though, despite your shameless lasciviousness and all your endeavors to satisfy it, probably the most seeing how i know more about you and you know more about me.

hi, i like you, but you're attached... and that kind of sucks. but still, you're gorgeous. and smart too. that's pretty cool; being smart and gorgeous and all. breaking relationships is socially-wrong, so there's that.

hi, i like you, but i don't know you that well, actually i barely know you. but the stories i've heard about you kind of suck, though i try not to listen to them. you seem pretty amicable, plus you look good. that's nice.

hi, i like you, but you probably don't know i exist at all. you are hot, seriously, hottest i've ever known. attractive on so many levels. shit, i wanna know you. if only.

hello, liking someone is more exhausting than i thought it would be.

whisky:

2011-08-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

love-hate this photo.

---

all i wanna do is write all day long.

but i can't, ugh.

exams, please end soon!

that will be, November.

fuck:

2011-08-22T21:13:00.001+08:00

insecurities

tear your soul apart

like razor blades

to an ice-cold wrist

they prise and dig,

hungry for blood.

they don't stop

until there is nothing

left to drain

dry

2011-08-20T21:20:00.000+08:00

it's too late

cos' they're all broken,

the glass of dreams

and bottle of hope;

they're all gone

and shattered

the time has passed

the love is over.

you can't fight fate.

AllSaints: all awesome.

2011-08-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

here we are:

2011-08-11T21:31:00.000+08:00

hungry?

(we ordered lots more btw)

oh, and i had it with these awesome people:

and then we watched Rise of Planet of the Apes and it was actually good (though the poster just needs some changing, really)!

---

She scratched red marks on her shoulder blades as if her nails sowed the seeds for wings. Scars skin deep, cuts. Her skin stretched ever so slightly, you could almost spot a feather harvesting in those shoulder blades. One morning, she’d wake up with a warm sweat. Blood painted her bed sheets in an outward motion. An angel in her sleep, being tortured to awaken in her body’s red wine into the first world.

-Gabrielle Quiwa

genius.

sometime around midnight:

2011-08-06T22:42:00.000+08:00

Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

pain(less):

2011-08-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

let the stars burn out and crumble into dust. when the rain keeps pouring like the tears from your weary eyes, and your body trembles with the pounding of your heart with thoughts that plague your mind and threaten to tear your soul apart. you lie awake with a war inside your head while the world sleeps in silent oblivion through your darkest days. your pain rages to escape but your lips give nothing away but the sighs of the dead and the cries of the agonized. you are alone in the midst of the battlefield numbed by despair.

you think there is nothing left for you,
and so you take your life.

tight might break

2011-07-30T21:43:00.002+08:00

japanese food, brick walls, silly bands, joie de vivre.

---

this is an awesome look!

cardigan, chinos, plain shirts, brogues, loafers, converses,

i need new clothes.

oh, and a haircut.

hubris:

2011-07-27T18:09:00.001+08:00

when the storm you've spun billows in disarray and wrecks the subterfuge you worked so hard to deceitfully create. you realize there is nothing left for you to cower behind; the hinderance you so artfully construct has crumbled into mere dust. you find yourself alone in the midst of pandemonium surrounded by the 'drabs' (as you call us) your foolish endeavours trailed along. the once high and mighty throne you rest on suddenly becomes a seat for fools. you have lost everything, you are nothing.

and for what? your pride has killed you.

---

Inadequacy;

2011-07-22T20:56:00.000+08:00

a cancerous cell

engulfing thoughts

of confidence.

surmounting courage

like a sailing ship

towards a hurricane.

what?

lady, woman, girl, child:

2011-07-21T20:17:00.004+08:00

she is a beautiful lady:

nowhere would you find those sapphire-lit eyes, like whirlpools that drowns every ship.
her body is a compact maze of enchantement and elegance you'll find yourself lost in for a while.
there are none of her touches that you will not find electrifying as she playfully tugs at the back of your head whilst running her fingers down your spine.

but she is not the lady everyone sees. she is not the person you would imagine crouched in the corner of her room; a razor in her hand and blood out her other. the woman naked in front of the mirror, sulking, grim, and depressed. the girl in the bathroom with pills in her hand, the days burgeoning like those white salvations in her mouth. there is no room for anyone in her heart, only pain and anguish.

we see a portrait, but the paint's wearing thin and the empty canvas beneath it is starting to show.
but what can we do?

5 short notes to people:

2011-07-19T20:54:00.001+08:00

1. you are cute and i like you. but you are kind of a slut (you've even said so yourself), and i'm not sure how i feel about it. sometimes i'm totally okay with that - i think that's the heart talking. but then my brain (and friends) would hit me at the back of my head and tell me i probably make up an insignificant (too insignificant) part of your queer exploits. i would like you even more if you weren't... you know.

2. you are really really cute/hot and i really really like you ('like', of course, being based on general impression), even more than that person above. But the chances of us getting together is just slightly slimmer than the chances of us even meeting. so there's that. if we were physically acquainted i would do anything to get to know you.

3. you are amazing and i want you in my life forever. when you leave for New York you better remember that you've left a big part of you back here, and that big part is me. and while it is unlikely that i will cry when i send you off at the airport (because i am too classy and cool for that despite me really caring), i want you to bawl your eyes out when we part ways at the airport... even though you're cooler and classier than me. best buds for life.

4. you should realize that you are awesome and deserve much more than that person you cry for because you have friends (including me) who will be there for you and entertain your silly antics unlike that worthless flea.

5. sometimes you are incredibly annoying but then again, so am i. and i guess that's how our friendship works, which apparently, is pretty darn good. you are someone i immediately think of when i'm in the mood for something idiotic. we compromise a lot for each other without compromising on sincerity.

casanova impostore:

2011-07-18T23:25:00.000+08:00

you liken yourself

to the stars in the sky

when you're just a sinking comet

that has already lost its spark.

you say you're enchanted

to know me

when we both know

you're just a pathetic fabulist

you try to captivate

anyone and everyone

even when you've exposed

yourself as a lascivious monster.

there is no game for you to play at all,

so give it up already.

fottuto perdente

an abandoned train station:

2011-07-17T15:12:00.001+08:00

i'm not a 'take the scenary' kind of person. actually when i do take scenic shots, they'd have people in them else i'd come off as pretentious. plus the picture would look kind of lifeless (to me anyway) without anyone in it. there's that. and i think i'm a genius cos' i told everyone to "PRETEND WE'RE LAUGHING AND HAPPY AND TALKING" when all we were doing was babble incoherently. the laugh was genuine though, because we found each other hilarious. success, i must say.

oh, and it drizzled into rain so we all huddled under an umbrella while taking turns to pose for the camera. #teamwork. would be nice to return someday but it's gone forever now, yeah...

---

other news in fragments,

i got a pair of swim trunks! hope i didn't forget how to swim (though it's a skill you apparently never forget once you pick up) and i hope i wouldn't embarrass myself or anything. since i can't run i might as well do alternative cardio and hope for the best. plus i've heard that swimming's way more awesome than running.

i watched the final harry potter. it was good but a little disappointing. i wanted to see the epic battle; how remus, tonks, and fred died, and i wanted to see more of all the other characters. the movie seemed a bit harry-centralized to me. and everyone knows everyone's favourite character isn't harry but some other character. mine's remus and snape for the immense sacrifice and pain they've been through. i did cry ins succession though, during the pensieve scene and the resurrection scene. caught it in digital on premiere day with Fats and 3D with Z - digital's better and cheaper.

school is starting to pick up in pace. told to study for 5 hours everyday and how a "7 hour sleep is over", not that i get 7 hours of sleep anyway. that applies to the weekdays. for the weekends it's supposed to be 8 hours. i don't think i can do that but i will try my best if that means securing A's and B's (hopefully all A's) for the exams. lit is killing me i swear. and all of this is making my skin break out (vain, i know, but no one wants bad skin), or maybe it's just me constantly resting my chin on my bacteria-infested palm - will stop touching my face.

i think that's about it. yeah... more of the photos above are found on facebook.

shad(ow)e

2011-07-11T20:27:00.001+08:00

will you

let me linger around you

like a shadow stuck to a man?

(silly question)

though it's not like i can detach myself

from your presence, you know

(it's pretty hard, i must say).

but what will i do anyway?

without you

i'll merely be a shade

for the rest of my life.

a wandering one

without a home.

just lost

(that would be truly tragic)

---

i am on a roll. many more drafts including prose but i don't really feel very prose-y.
in love with helena christensen right now. she is gorgeous. and there is something just so sexy about a woman dressed for the 1960's feminist movement with a cigarette in her hand. said it before but i'll say it again. just, so, sexy. not that i condone smoking but yeah.

never let me go:

2011-07-10T13:31:00.000+08:00

hold me

like you mean it.

because i want you

to mean it

(even if you don't)

and never let me go.

kiss me

like i'm your lover.

because i am

(even though you don't seem to think so)

and i will be

and you must never let me go.

plunge me

into despair,

for living in a delusion

(it was worth it)

and trapping me

inside your heart

and never letting me go.

---

why can't i write happy stuff?

whatever.

life instead of ramblings:

2011-07-09T22:12:00.000+08:00

had skinny pizza with the three below plus andersen's family chocolate fondue (since i had a 50% off for that) on monday;

it does taste as good as it looks. Bailey's cream was heavenly. plus the kiwi!

i think i did other stuff from tuesday to thursday but i can't remember. oh well.

anyway, friday:

town with the balls for mediterranean cuisine. which, guess what? was only 10 dollars per person including the 25% off! we had, without pictures cos' i'm lazy to transfer, shish kebab with tomato rice, mushrooms and cheese and beef, peach and strawberries strudel, bread and butter pudding, cheesecake, and coffeecake. considering that that's so much (many) food, it's pretty cheap.

AND AFTER THAT, we went to get me a camera! my very first, actually. a canon powershot-g12. and i love it so much, from the flip-screen (heh) to the posterized, and many other awesome effects.

and then i met zelia for funsies. chardonnay, and cabaret. what can i say?

---

water:

2011-07-07T19:34:00.000+08:00

the ocean drowned me
when i couldn't float
well enough
to enjoy it's crash

and

instead of an embrace
i was dragged down
while trying desperately
to scramble back
up for air

all

while being suffocated
by your need
to engulf
everything around you.

darkness:

2011-07-05T21:55:00.000+08:00

the darkness that stemmed from her heart
grew and crept through her entire entity, aided by the cracks and schisms melancholy had inflicted upon her.
and when darkness engulfed all that she was,
what was left
of her was an empty shadow; a past of a long-forgotten persona.

at times she wondered what was wrong with her
what fed the depression and satiated the darkness that made her heart cold.
it was her inability to ignore and move past the forgotten that carved her soul,
that held her hand while it led her down the spiral staircase
while assuring her that the depths of her heart was where her original self would fit perfectly.
perfectly: locked inside a cellar with walls spaced so close that claustrophobia was replaced with the sensation of drowning.
perfectly, was unimaginable perfect for someone lost to the insidious claws of grief and agony.

the lifeless body that sprawled on its pool of life
amid a mess of papers, some stained and some spared,
found only one which had any semblance of her left.
it was scribbled illegibly,
and only the first word, could be read:
'sorry', it said, meant to deliver a greater impact if all the other papers that were meant to be filled became a letter.

---

i've been writing some pretty dark stuff.

words:

2011-07-02T23:58:00.001+08:00

your words slit my wrists
like a knife
dipped in shattered glass

crimson liquid flood the floor
and stained the tiles
our lives were built upon

it poured like a waterfall
till there was no more
left to give

nothing within me,
anyway.

Remus Lupin

2011-07-01T22:11:00.000+08:00

"remus lupin was supposed to be on the h.i.v. metaphor. it was someone who had been infected young, who suffered stigma, who had a fear of infecting others, who was terrified he would pass on his condition to his son. and it was a way of examining prejudice, unwarranted prejudice towards a group of people. and also, examining why people might become embittered when they’re treated that unfairly."
- jk rowling

oh my god. this is genius. I WANT TO WRITE AS GOOD AS HER. seriously, this gives HP so much more layers than it already has. i mean yeah luh, anyone reading the book would probably know the intention was to show a person coping with fitting into society. and my interpretation was, since a book as good as this is meant for us to interpret, that he meant to portray the outcasts in society, which i originally thought was one of the clients she helped during her days in Amnesty, and how they gain acceptance with people who truly accept who he is. yeah, pretty deep.

i think people sometimes mistake HP for a simple series you read to live vicariously and they don't get why there are so many fans (including me) who loves it. it's not just a book. it's literally a microcosmic (HEH) portrayal of society apart from the countless hours of imagination pleasure.

the bridge has burned:

2011-07-01T12:04:00.001+08:00

tell me it's gonna be alright
(i know it's not but i need some reassurance)
tell me how,
the light that left
her eyes found someone else's,
and her body will crumble
to dust
but find it's way back above.

tell me her death was unforeseeable
(even though it wasn't -- it wasn't suppose to happen)
when the only thing that survived
was me
me and all my glory
my fucking glory.

tell me it isn't my fault
(when it was, it really was)
that loose lips
and tipsy drips
weren't made for the wheel.
that i shouldn't have allowed
her to imbibe
all her sorrows away
well instead it was her
who was imbibed
by 2 tonnes of now-scrap metal.

---

inspiration:

no inspiration.

liberation:

2011-06-27T22:19:00.003+08:00

set me free,

(the world deserves my existence)

let me out,

(keeping me in will cause you to explode)

face your fears,

(really, there is nothing to fear)

and be yourself.

(because it does matter)

---

a little heavy on the parentheses these days. but owell... love em'.

spirits

2011-06-24T20:32:00.007+08:00

ephemeral connection

those nights,

when our breaths combined

could drown the crashing waves,

the light in your eyes illuminated

the darkness in mine.

our bodies lurched with space

as they yearn for sensuality;

the warmth of another's skin,
the comfort of an extra presence

but daylight, that damn invader,

(though with the best of hearts)

brought with it an earthquake

that shook us to our senses:

heat for the alcohol,

lucidity for our eyes

and pain as a punishment.

well it worked,

i saw her no more.

still, funny how my heart aches

for a stranger i've only known for three nights

and a day.

---

just wanted to write about hookups.
inspired by: http://gabforelle.tumblr.com/post/6856927038
(she is awesome)

why don't we go

2011-06-20T10:19:00.002+08:00

hey, it's 7pm right now and i have like 4 hours before i will so very happily go to bed because i'm on the verge of an anxiety attack for reasons i find incredibly stupid and irrational yet uncontrollably harrowing. humans suck. anxiety is something i am not a fan of. depression and melancholy, i welcome. but not this.

so to ease my anxiety, which apparently, neither counting to ten helps (in any way possible. seriously, it just makes you sound OCD) nor the thiamin from tea does (though it does offer slight respite the lifespan as long as it takes for you to finish the tea), i suppose the only thing that'll quell this inane emotion that is eating me from the inside is to blog.

*** it is 10am right now and nothing has changed and i'm still ready to be the first one to run out of a burning building though the anxiety has curbed a little. funny how things that happen in your head never gets to play out and show its awesomeness. fuck you, murphy and your stupid, unsubstantiated 'law' which i will call 'theory'. oh, the stuff below are stuff i failed to post yesternight. yeah.

1. http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/things-to-get-used-to-in-new-york-city/

this article rocks, like really. it's about New York.
1. Hype can be very misleading in New York
2. In New York, almost anyone will talk to you, regardless of social capital or class. Everyone exists and doesn't exist at the same time.
3. People don't give a shit about history, politics, current events etc. no one in this city has time to worry about the big picture - they're trying to survive, dammit!
4. There is no counter-culture. No one is rebelling against anything. But what this means is that no one pretends that art, literature and music have any other function than commerce.

New York sounds like a pretty good place to be in.

2. http://thoughtcatalog.com/2010/how-to-be-my-boyfriend/

this is probably the most entertaining, self-satirical article i have ever read. all of his other articles are equally humorous. i'm always jealous of writers who can structure their work when mine is just a series of collapsible mess.

"Oh, I should mention that I can be a raging asshole. Here’s the deal with that: I have a very dominating personality but I also love it when someone dominates me. I will make snide comments to you all the time to see what your limits are. In these instances, it’s very important that you push back and call me out on my bullshit. If you do, I’ll have instant respect for you and it will actually turn me on. We’ll have good sex after, for sure."

3. Winnie the Pooh trailer:

well, this. i wouldn't (and refused) to watch Kung Fu Panda but i would actually watch this. i think it's just the draw of the song they used. still, A.A Milne's is freaking good at writing clincher lines, like this:

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

i guess that's pretty much it. of course there's the Harry Potter and the final trailer and everything but i've already watched it 8 times (in 1080p) and yeah. freaking amazing. NOW I'M GONNA GO EXERCISE AND HOPEFULLY EXCRETE ALL OF THIS DISGUSTING ANXIETY. OKAYBYE.