hi, i like you (5):

i haven't done this in a pretty long time and it feels almost strange to me. but yeah, i feel like there's a need.

hi, i like you. this is going to sound incredibly superficial of me (but if we include third party sources then it's a lot less superficial) but i like you a lot cos' you're really cute. the bullshit of love (or attraction) at first sight... i don't know if i still believe in it, but this feels so right. okay i sound obsessed (which i am). you are incredibly cute. i like you a lot.

see what i mean by strange. it's foreign to the extent that i can't justify my reasons. should probably blog more to maintain my writing standard (like blog/life writing, not just prose/poetry). yeah, i will.

my life as of late has been fine. bouts of melancholy here and there but that's life and there's nothing we can do about it but suck it up and move on. still, i kinda really miss the days where i didn't feel so hollow. yeah. okay this post is clearly depressing, and i'm determined to make it at least emotionless. so i'm just gonna say that i've got halfday on friday, which is awesome. and then it's back to me searching for my misplaced emotions again on friday and saturday night.

goodbye.

i don't know why i feel so dark.
i'm sorry.

i don't know me anymore.

hi, i'm back.

and i feel like writing a personal post so yeah:

fire away, fire away

so i haven't been blogging lately, but that's because i've been out pretty much everyday having fun. i've been having the days and nights of my lives thus far with amazing company, and have met new people (of which names i cannot remember and i'm sure they cannot remember mine either), tried new food places and so on.

but this is the first post of 2012! i'm not as excited as i thought i'd be. i spent the last few minutes of 2011 guzzling champagne (you sip, i know, but we were in a rush), puked, met the fucking hot guy i've always wanted to meet, and the rest of the night was insignificant... other than at Play luh but that's a different story only my close friends will hear about. i do not have any photos of the last day of 2011 and i don't regret that because i know i will remember it.

i will be sappy and review my 2011:

1. met the most amazing people of my life. they know who they are so there is no point naming them.
2. kept the most amazing people i have met thus far in my life.
3. become more sociable, met more people that would actually get me somewhere in life, not to the extent of making friends for the sake of what they have.
4. discover more about myself and forged and strengthened my identity.
5. become more comfortable -- actually very comfortable with my identity.
6. (sort of) chased my dreams by entering a competition... and winning a merit prize. hey, it isn't a distinction prize but i'm elated to have won.
7. realise how i'll have to work even harder and put myself out there even more in order to make it somewhere in life and actually live my dream. super cheesy i know, but so true.
8. found and broadened my fashion style/sense
9. understand how things tend to be beyond your control sometimes and because there really isn't anything you can do about it there's no point fretting over it.
10. wrote... a lot. i'm pretty sure my writing skills improve. i've found my niche genre, which may sound a little pretentious but yeah, i have.
11. found value and importance in taking chances. how if i don't try then i'll never know what would have happened, what could have happened, what wouldn't have happened. vive ut vivas.
12. survived my A levels, which i suppose was the hardest period of my life.

very sure that there's a lot more stuff that i've learned in 2011, but of everything so far, i suppose my new year resolution for 2012 comes down to three latin words:

vive ut vivas

(live and you will live)

merry new year.

i have a few minutes to write a post before the song ends and i have to leave. still don't understand why i'm so busy all the time but it effaces the emptiness within me, to put it in an artistic way. life has been great. it's been hectic and exhausting but amazing. i've been slacking on my writing, firstly because i've been too busy to properly sit down and mull and wait for inspiration to arrive, and secondly and more importantly... i've been happy. happiness is annoying. it feels good, of course, but it's like the panacea to inspiration and writing, especially in my case since my theme tends to revolve around the grotesque, macabre, melancholic, depressing, and dark stuff. been trying to branch out into the happier themes like love at first sight or pure love or people in love rather than people out of love and dying or on the floor on their own pool of blood. trying.

i guess that is all to my life lately, having fun whilst trying to write. all will change when national service comes.

this song is beautiful:

i have given up documenting my life on a daily basis because i can't remember what i do during specific days; days no longer matter to me because they all represent free-time before i enlist into the army. so instead i will put pictures and for stuff that lacks pictures i would probably slip in at the end:

teng and ball at chillin' area plus secret brick wall.

meet Mask, tuls' amazingly cute husky.

catching up with the ivy with fatteh.

and yesterday, where i had one of my bad days in lazy clothes.

and here is larmy reading a book about life (seriously).

---

somewhere along the week(s) i went to:

Town and Chinatown with the michenator and then cut clothes up at my place.

Mdm Wong's, Tantric, dymk, Play, Taboo, Avalon (on Sunday); gay pubs and clubs. the gay nightlife is a hundred times better than the straight nightlife. seriously, once you visit gay clubs you'll never want to go back to straight clubs again. friendlier (much more) people with the same if not more energy.

a christmas party and the Aladdin cast (musical) house party (that moved to Avalon thereafter).

that is probably all.

as of late:

prom:

prom was incredibly lame. this isn't a very promising first sentence but yeah, prom was lame. though i mean the event, not the day itself. it was so lame that more than half the time our table was empty. like the food was just placed there for flies while we were outside the hall or in our rooms having our own fun. but then again, everyone inside was cheering and shouting and screaming like it was the best day of their lives, and i mean everyone. so it's probably just us luh, we're a problematic, dysfunctional group of people. but really, i thought prom would be super classy and everything but it turned out to be a failed party instead. host with bad grammar and pronunciation (and enunciation), bad music, and bad everything luh generally. i guess the easiest way to sum up our lack of interest is how he's always 'has every table came up to get the paper?', 'uhhh, i don't think every group is up here', 'i think a table didn't write their names and numbers', and 'okay never-mind, i think we got an extra piece'. we were that uninterested.

still, prom was freaking amazing. best night of my 18 years thus far! pictures plus captions:

crease:

okay i've been trying to iron my shirt for the past hour and a half and it still looks wrinkly. Z says cotton's difficult to iron and creases easily. ugh. so fuck it, i'm just gonna iron the visible parts through the blazer. HAHAHA. even then those parts still look wrinkly. i don't get it. i pass the iron through it and i look at it and there are still creases everywhere.

now i feel like writing a poem about creases.

2 days and creeping thoughts;

weekends are much more relaxing. still didn't get my 12 hour sleep because for some reason my body's attuned to wake up at 8.30 or latest 9.30.

past 3 days;

today has been a day of complete inertia. i've had a 10-hour sleep (not 12-hour yet but that's good enough), woke up, ate, read, read some more, wrote, wrote a lot, game a little and then got bored, finally browsed my abandoned August magazines (which i tragically have yet to master reading it rather than skimming through for pictures), and now i am here blogging. i meant to go to the gym but my helper's still here after a really long time, not that i'm complaining (of course not) since the house is now spotless. so anyway, i guess i'll just talk about my past 3 days:

life as of late:

i'm about to head to amore but i don't wanna leave just yet because my coffee isn't finished yet and i'm too lazy to move (or even put on clothes). so i'll just ramble as usual:

post A's.

HI. A's are finally over and like a liberated sex slave we partied at Kaede's house later that evening. We had potluck and i made (bought and brought) nuggets. i thought mine was the best food in comparison to Dewi's mom's amazing amazing pasta, Tul's mom's awesome awesome pasta salad (it was so good even without the pasta), Larry's mom's potato-mushroom-chicken dish, Sarah's chicken wings, Farisha's godly brownies (THEY TASTE LIKE THEY HAVE WEED IN THEM), Liyana's mom's caramel bread pudding, and Kaede's dad's soup (that also worked as a shabu-shabu base). Mine was the best because i actually made it myself compared to everyone else -- okay sarah made hers too luh, probably from scratch rather than a frozen-ass packaging. oh, and Vas brought drinks.

Anyway, EVERYONE was late except Tuls, Fari, and I.

and then we watched a 3D movie but people with glasses get bad migraines pretty quickly so we changed it to boring-2D. Monster House.

and this is what Kaede can see everyday if she stays with her dad permanently. amazing no? you can actually see MBS from her apartment.

some of the food. look at that awesome salad with sundried tomatoes, apple cubes, tomatoes, pasta, edamame, and other stuff. and look at that late of chicken above, it used to be a whole chicken but masterchef-me with my nimble wrists and kaede's dad's creepily overly sharp knives turned it into individual pieces. 

we karaoke-d a lot. and i reached home around 1-ish. everything was awesome.

okay, i'm lazy to elaborate so there's that.

it was a good end to the day, and a good start to post-A's life.

okay gonna go to amore now, and i think today marks the start of my 30-day writing; shall do one tonight.

last day, last day:

it's 11.30 am and i really should be giving it my all for tomorrow. i just no longer have the mood to study with all these plans i have for after the exam. and it's not that i've lost my drive, actually to be losing your drive before the last paper is incredibly stupid. nah, i've lost it halfway through but found it again an hour later (i bounce back really quick).
so tired, so tired. but heck, last lap (omg this has quickly become a cliche) so i'll be giving it everything i've got.
goodbye.

A' levels ain't over yet but i've already planned out my schedule for next few days following that:

friday (after the paper): taper jeans, grab ingredients for potluck, larmy's house to chill, kae's house for potluck.

saturday: gym, larmy's coming over to chill, dinner

sunday: sleep in, gym, read, write (will probably being my 30-day writing)

monday: gym, prom shopping

tuesday: facial (ikr, with ethel and ball btw), accompanying them to the salon, awesome dinner

wednesday: gym, laze around, read

---

i feel incredibly scared that i'm not completely prepared for the paper on friday, but there's also a buzzing anticipation for it to just be done with.

so brit lit was awesome today, though it wasn't exactly my best. but seriously, i felt incredibly witty doing the unseen; thatcher likened to adolf hitler and even the devil. you should have seen my stupid grin as i wrote the paper. my worst turned out to be my best.
didn't think i did well for Kureishi and Hare (best being the worst) so fingers crossed.

with that aside, i'm only one paper away from freedom and the anticipation is driving me crazy. it's actually not one paper but half a paper since physical geog is over (which was fucking horrible by the way). all i gotta do now is give everything i've got (even more than the other subjects) to make up for the crappy answers i had in physical and i'm done for life, no more geography and no more economics (unless god forbid i end up majoring/minoring in them).

yeah...

p.s, my independence scares me sometimes, especially when it develops into some sick desire for isolation. don't get me wrong, i love company (of certain people); but i don't know, it's the company that often leads to a yearning for some me-time. okay, no time for pensive thoughts.

what to do after A's:

1. camp at the gym
2. buy shoes
3. initiate 30-day writing (prose & poetry)
4. cook
5. intern (still deciding where)
6. read
7. outdoors (preferably nature i.e with grass/sand)
8. art-related-craft
9. sleep in (i need a 12-hour sleep)
10. meet everyone i've been missing so dearly.

so fucking disappointed with myself. i don't think i did my best for the physical geog paper. I KNOW i shouldn't be all mopey and shit and it's not like i screwed up the entire paper but just part of an essay (which was 16 marks mind you and i've lost 8 marks for sure). i am going to be studying like crazy for human geography to make up for that. fuck you A' levels, fuck you.

if you're homesick

---

flaws:

body slouched in the bathroom, the girl cringes at the sight of the mirror. she closes her eyes and inhales deeply before opening them to the ghastly figure standing in front of her. she stares at her face, battered with bruises and pits and scars and stained with blotches of red all over. she sighs while her fingers greedily trace every nook and crevice they could find, like the insidious tentacles of an octopus out for blood. her fingers wanted more, and so they sidled down across her face and towards her torso, grabbing and clawing at her bare chest along its way. she stopped above her pit and swore, pinching (as much as could) her skin as though threatening to rip it out. she was close to tears, but there weren’t done yet and clung onto her even tighter. she continued to stare at the figure, albeit now in a disgusting manner. she couldn’t stand what she was seeing! red marks defile her pale skin and continue to grow as those whips lash at whatever they could reach. she sobbed but they wouldn’t stop; they wouldn’t stop till she could take it no longer and collapsed onto the cold tiles.

flaws, but only she could see them.

---

i don't even know why i'm writing when my first paper just ended. and it's not even as good as i want it to be seeing how i only spent 30 mins on this. but yeah, i seriously have no mood to improve upon this (have to start on math!) and i cannot imagine myself coming back to this (anytime soon, anyway). 

in other news, i thought GP went well. it wasn't fantastic or anything but it went well. i sure fucking hope they don't penalise me for highlighting the questions. yes, how dumb of me, but well, it's over and i hope everything does go... well.