Keep Looking Up

The year-end post begins with an awesome quote:

"When adults say, 'Teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

-John Green, Looking for Alaska


Every year we create a list of things we've always been wanting to do, and every year we don't complete all of them. still, there's no harm doing one. but i think i'll ink it on paper and pin it up after typing it. striking things off a list gives me a strange sense of accomplishment and satisfaction so i guess i'll be more likely to follow the list through.

In 2011 i will:

1. learn something new i.e. join a course (frankly, this has been on the list for 2 years now)
2. build up my writing portfolio
3. which means participating in competitions and hopefully winning them
4. and also to read and write more
5. exercise more for the army/whatever division i'll be posted to
6. which is related to better time management
7. study a lot harder for the A' Levels (mainly GP and/or Lit cos' they're prerequisites for the Uni course I want)
8. you know, optimism and happiness isn't exactly a resolution since they depend on circumstances but... what the heck
9. get a tattoo... HAHAH, kidding, maybe, i don't know. i have issues with permanence so... yeah. that would make a really good 18th-birthday-thing though. i guess.
10. stay religiously fervent about my goals
11. and, follow Coco Chanel's words: "you live but once, you might as well be amusing"... time to start parading in face paint.

a page break will follow this sentence because it's gonna be lengthy and will probably the longest post i've ever written in 2010. this will actually be edited several times because it's so long and i'll probably forget to include certain stuff.
...

Face Paint Wipes Pain:

Face painting is awesome:

but i hope God doesn't punish me tomorrow by giving me eczema cos' we were cheapskate and opted for the 'safe for skin fingerpaint' at 9.90 instead of the legit facepaint, paint for a ridiculous 49.90. 

i wish both my eyelids would constantly stay the same (not one being single and the other double). actually it would be nice if both my eyes had single eyelids or less pronounced doubles. and that probably makes me the only person who wishes that cos' everyone wants a pronounced double.

okay whatever, it's not like i can do anything about it.

i think he's gonna be really, really big. bigger than justin bieber. cos' his songs (which he, being talented, wrote himself) aren't about girls (ergo superficiality) but life (ergo deep, ergo appeals to every age including pubescent girls) and he's got a big voice.

Death and All His Friends.

"the human life is made up of choices. Yes or No. In or Out. Up or Down... and then there are the choices that matter. Love or Hate. to be a Hero or to be a Coward. to Fight or to Give In. to Live. or Die. Live or Die. that's the important choice. and it's not always in our hands."

NOT GONNA LIE. The season 6 finale for Grey's Anatomy made me cry my balls out (not bawl though, I don't do bawling). AND. that wasn't even the climax. actually it was one of the climaxes (if you can have more than one) but not the most cry-your-balls-out-scene. Can't find that but this is almost as good. i remember shouting at the TV and swinging my fists when Derek got shot and Meredith collapsed but that's a whole different story.

it must have been awesome to have been one of the screenwriters for that episode.

Happy Christmas.

I like Christmas songs cos' they feel really festive.

---

The thumping of your restless heart

the magic of your playful touch

your eyes like fire in the dark

you start riots in my heart

The scent of showers deep in summer

the sparks at night flying asunder

fireflies dancing in winter

your warmth a fervent thunder

-Rae

Inspiration:

&

the rhythm scheme (I REMEMBER, IT'S CALLED IAMBIC TETRAMETER) from the book/movie:

The way you're singing in your sleep 

The way you look before you leap 

The strange illusions that you keep 

You don't know 

But I'm noticing 

The way your touch turns into arcs 

The way you slide into the dark 

The beating of my open heart 

You don't know 

But I'm noticing

-David Levithan

&

Now I wanna watch the movie. 

Run to You

i don't have the kind of heart you do. i can't give everything i have when i love. i can't believe that something will come out of everything we do. i can't trust myself with that, not with love, at least not anymore.
-Rae

---

Inception (twice) today,
HP marathon the day after.

Life is good. Jazz is good, like this song:

Stories of Love and Lost #2: Make You Feel My Love

Adele is the best, ever. okay, she didn't write the song nor produce the video but her voice is phenomenal.

another long one. well here goes.

---

where are you? i'm sorry for the things i've said.


she is alone in a London apartment. she is dressed beautifully, but her disheveled hair and smeared make-up indicates a ruined evening. the room is in a mess - pillows on the floor, table lamp displaced and an upturned chair by the window. the clock blinks 4:02 am. she rests the phone on the bed and walks to the table. she picks up an opened pen and starts writing a letter.

i know you don't understand the reason why i keep all of these secrets from you. and it hurts to know that tonight you discovered one of them from someone else... instead of me. honestly, it was my every intention to tell you tonight. but i guess the circumstances have made it impossible. and you already knew. i guess this is a letter to explain myself then. 

I could be a pornstar, we could leave the lights on, you can feel my heartbeat.

This insomnia cannot be put to sleep.

Shit.

I shall write my resolutions soon.

I-feel-the-need-to-say-all-these-things:

Ben Clouthier's tattoo is freaking awesome. He's the youtube guy by the way.

Amy Meredith is an awesome band.
I like Lifehouse all over again (esp. their 'Crash and Burn') after watching Castle in Aus.

But I still think Adele is the best though she technically, isn't a band nor is she in one.

I got a haircut and sorta like it. it's on DB. HAHA.

Which speaking of, i just revived my DB account.

And will hopefully continue to use it.

I lead a vicarious (sadly, not vivacious) life but I don't care cos' the Internet's awesome.

Eat, Pray, Love is such a great show. Everyone should watch it cos' it's about Eating, Praying, and Loving. 

Stories of Love and Lost #1: Strangers

this is insanely lengthy (longest i've ever posted) so you might not want to read it (but i think you should cos' i like it a lot, haha)

inspired by (among many others listed at the end) Christopher Koch's Antelope Picnic photo series. I think it's the best photo series I've ever seen. he's an awesome photographer/editor. my favourite still:

---

love at first sight,

is definitely ridiculous... but so very, very possible.

we met in a field of maize. but before you go ahead and judge me as mushy and tell me 'yeah-right' or 'that only happens in movies dude...', this is all true so just shut up and listen.

i said we met in a field of maize but i didn't exactly say i was all 'oh, i really should visit some maize field today and pick myself some -- maize', nor was she all stumbling upon a maize field by chance while walking home. as i said, not a fairytale.

turn the lights on it's over, the night's just about to explode.

so there's this ad that's been on the telly for some time now (actually, since I got here), promoting the Uni of Melbourne. I didn't really think much of it cos' I know I wanna be there someday (3 YEARS TIME SURELY BUT HOPEFULLY).

and then i was watching Mentalist (awesome show) just now and I saw it twice during the commercials.

didn't think much of it.

after The Mentalist (already watched that episode before but it was still awesome cos' the ending's great), I watched Castle (also, awesome show). the ad followed right after the one for Desperate Housewives (I like that show actually, haha) and yeah. it was kind of an awesome ad (they have different ones appealing to the various studies like Arts, Science, Business etc.) cos' it was the Arts one (the Science one was just an astronaut and I thought it was kinda lame) and it was like orchestral-y and all.

the point it is, it is 12am now and I just browsed their website (for the millionth time since a year and a half ago).

i want this cos' it reads awesome. I know it's a Masters Degree but I clicked Bach. of Arts and it brought me to this sort-of-cool page where it asked what my interest was and I clicked 'Creative Writing' and it brought me to Undergrad > Bach. of Arts and then Graduate > the one I linked. and then it says that it's compulsory to write a thesis for this course. and then i realized it's still (very) far away.

life is long. i want more.

i think building houses is fun. no idea. something bout' carrying bricks and cementing them one at a time appeals to me. then again, Amy Meredith says we could always be Porn Stars. great song.

K BYE.

reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark

MY FAVE ARTIST. among many others yay.

I am sitting here waiting for tomorrow and perhaps Wednesday (where I go home) because tomorrow, I will and must get Amy Meredith's CD, which, for an Australian Band, isn't all that hyped about replenishing their stocks in large bulk (JB Hi-Fi [no HMV here] said they'd replenished their stocks and sold out again). So right now, I am sort-of bored. 'sort-of' because I'm halfway through 'Disgrace' (I have insomnia apparently, perhaps still jet-lagged but then again, who still gets jet-lagged after a week?) and it was dreary till a chapter from where I just stopped and am amazed at how I survived through them because I had to.

Anyway, I've been thinking how awesome it would be to say that you're from 'New Jersey', which I have no idea why this thought even existed. Then it was sort-of-dashed when I told Zelia about it and she said to watch Jersey Shore and I'd know.

I think Jersey Shore isn't an interesting show. At all. Yet what reality shows interest me are Kardashians, Kimora and Jerseylicious (which has its differences from JS). So I might not really know what interesting means anyway.

I feel like getting back on DB but I've nothing much to post about so I guess I can only comment on photos for the time being. Hah. At least I talk to people! Strangers, that is.

Abrupt end. BYE.

---

I just need to say something:


I don't like how everything here (suburbs) is so far away. Which to the Aussies, near could mean a distance from Pasir Ris to Jurong. And that is, to me, a Singaporean, ridiculously far.

I am a city-person. The suburban life is not for me (at least not yet). I dislike how overly-large the houses are (though large is good. Hence, 'overly') when an apartment in the city would suffice (I don't mean the 'cosy' houses but the sufficient houses) and everything is within walking (or metro) distance. I like how they call their trains 'metro', heh. Imeanofcourse there's that peace and quiet this place offers but then the slightest sound equals a disturbance and frankly, I don't really mind the incessant sound of passing cars and would like to think of it as a monotonous lullaby. Actually I dig apartments cos'... what's not to like? They're easily maintained and if you have style, so will it. And I think it's awesome to have room-mates instead of house-mates even though I've no idea why.

Soiguess what the problem the suburbs are for me is just the distance. A car is a car that is an object and shouldn't be dragged into the issue. They aren't meant only for people who need to travel long distances. I wanna not travel 45 mins to grab a bite or get a cd or a book or anything related to 'life'. So yeah.

I am a city person.

-

I don't know why I'm writing equivalent to theses these days but heck.

"Love and truth being tied together, I mean. They make each other possible, you know?"

Why Australian Bands rock:

---

So I'm sitting in front of the computer thinking of what to do with myself because today, is rest day (I woke up at 2pm yay), and I'm not in the mood to play video games (wow), and I've no mood to start reading another book (though I really should continue 'Disgrace' which so far, is kind of interesting seeing how I stopped at where the main character's prostitute andor escort disappears, and start on the report. *homework, shit).

So this is what I do: I type out the sort-of-synopsis at the back of what may just be the best book I've read in my 17-year old life. It really is an awesome book! It was so good that I couldn't go to sleep till I finished the book after opening it (which took me about 4-5 hours? I slept at 2am). And it's the first book that gave me tears of joy (either that, or staying up late made me slightly delirious and over-emotional) when I got to the ending because it was just so good and I really wasn't expecting a happy ending but like a 'and so life is like this', kind of ending. you know, the Nicholas-Sparks-your-endings-are-so-cliché-and-anti-climaticish kind. But no, it was great.  I think everyone should read this, really. And I think this might be as good or better than Harry Potter except that it isn't a series and there aren't any fantasy elements in it. 

This isn't a book review but like what New York Times will always somehow squeeze this into their books, it steals your heart, makes you laugh and the ever-present a real pageturner. WHY IS THIS BOOK SO GOOD HUH?

---

 Will Grayson, will grayson

What if you were somewhere you never expected to be, and met someone with your name?

What if the girl you didn't think you were interested in started being interested in you?

What if your best friend started writing a musical about your life... and it made you look lame?

*

What if you are depressed?

What if you're in love with someone you've never met?

And what is the story with the guy walking around with your name?

---

AUS 4

this is a record of the stuff I bought. the things in DFOs are freaking cheap.

Rain.

i think i'm going to start on the pile of books tomorrow. after another DFO of course.

---

it was how i pictured it - two people who loved each other endlessly but were wickedly separated by a thousand miles, are now standing at both ends of the same road, under the rain.

we didn't run towards each other like in the movies. We just... stood there, in silent ecstasy, grappling the fact that three years of disunion was finally over.

we stood still till our clothes were entirely drenched, then we started walking... and i guess the anticipation was too much, because we broke into a run barely a few steps forward and hugged each other like the world around was crumbling. i cried, she cried, and the rain seemed like the most beautiful setting we could wish for. it felt like time never existed and the rain would poured on and on.

"do you remember what you told me? you said 'if love was a rainbow, there'd be no point in loving since it would be too easy.'" she whispered into my ear, "you said that love was a tough road two people had to go through, together, in order to appreciate one another. I'd never forgotten that since I've left. It gave me a reason to pull through, and it gave me a reason to what it was I'm doing. I used to think that you gave me credit for having so much strength sometimes. And I'm always so deeply afraid that I would just give in and shatter. Not anymore. Not now. "

I didn't say anything. I tightened my grip around her, and I kept reminding myself that this was all real.

"I searched breathlessly for you."

---

Inspiration:

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I has hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"

-Looking for Alaska by John Green

AUS 3

say it ain't so, say i'm happy again
say it's over, say i'm dreaming
say i'm better than you left me
say you're sorry, i can take it


say you'll wait, say you won't
say you love me, say you don't
i can make my own mistakes
let it bend, before it breaks


---

YESTERDAY I:

ate ramen and watched epic Grey's Anatomy episodes.

TODAY I WENT TO:

google.

google: the enormity of the area.

which is one of the many (3) DFO's in Melbourne (*there's only one DFO in other states except Queensland so yeah, pretty big deal)

WHERE I GOT STUFF FROM:

COTTON ON, LEVI'S, factorie (their shorts are freaking awesome);

at ridiculously cheap prices (since it's a DFO and all). But really, insanely cheap. a cardi for 7 bucks, sweater for 20 and levi's shorts 25 each etc. even Tommy Hilfiger was a lot cheaper (89 - 120 each?) but they were still too high for me. there were a lot more shops (puma, Adidas, Nike kate spade etc.) but i figured since i'm gonna be here for a while more i'd might as well check other stuff out rather than spending a bomb in one area (which i could if my money-tree plantation hadn't caught a wildfire)

I THEN BOUGHT EVEN MORE BOOKS WHICH NOW AMOUNTS TO:

i've been buying books everywhere I go. yes, they are cheap too - penguin classics 10 a piece. (*John Green rocks).

---

give up ghosts

"sometimes i think i can feel you're with me. like in the middle of the night? i'll hold my breath and listen hard if you're there, watching me as i go through this cycle of pain and recovery and hoping you never left. where were you then? where are you... now?"

-Isobel, Rae

AUS 2.

THIS:

woke me up in the morning.

---

Travelling #2

"you know why you're hopping from town to town?" she shouts across the field.

he stops, listening to what she has to say, but finds himself unable to face her.

"why don't I tell you then," she scoffs, "it's because you can't commit. You can't bear the thought of forming relationships with others and finding yourself actually liking it. You find yourself no longer able to form bonds since Brandon died. But guess what. You already are forming bonds. Yes, every village, every town, everywhere you go, you form bonds. And these bonds are tied to you for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. He's dead, Jack, your son, Brandon, is de--"

she is shocked silent by his sudden howl.

"You have no right -- no right to talk about Brandon," he says. "You think you know everything, don't you? You think you know who I am, how the world works, How -- how life works. Well, guess what, you don't. You don't know how Brandon died. I don't. Nobody does," he pauses, fighting the tears back, "because I came home one night and he was already lying on the floor. Dead. Gone without a reason. And now I'm alone, living in this monotony called life, having to fight through ea-- each breath. You don't get the pain I'm feeling, you don't get anything at all."

-Rae

AUS 1.

I'M IN AUSTRALIA.

and I had this for lunch.

the memory of the journey is a medley of fogginess, discomfort and headachy.

p.s, Will Grayson, will grayson remains unfound. I had to get Remains of the Day instead.

i'm still breathing.

"life is not something you can predict. it is not a novel where you can just... flip to the end and see what happens to each character. whether they die, whether they get over the turmoil in their lives, ... whether they end up happy or in despair for the large part of their existence. life... you just have to go through with it. you have to live it. you have to accept it. you have to somehow find that assed up flicker of light in the dark cave we all breathe in. so to hell with it. i'm still going on. and you're coming with me... whether you like it or not."
-Isobel, Rae.

so as i write this letter and shed my last tear

know it's all for the better that we end this here

let's close this chapter, say one last prayer

but don't say that you loved me

Rain

"you gave me credit for having so much strength sometimes. and i'm always so deeply afraid that i'll just give in and shatter."

too easy to be helped and found.

I am so tired.

But this was yesterday and it was just great:

it was with the Poland dudes at the Marina Barrage,

where we took lots of polaroids,

and in one of them I look awkwardly misfit.

we played with bubbles,

where we failed miserably at taking bubbly artistic shots with misplaced arms,

but I thought this was pretty decent despite me looking angry and the lack of enough bubbles.

we had a couple of rounds of monopoly deal and uno,

and looked at cute children.

we also had Rebekah's tasty nutella cupcakes.

So that's about it.

"if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I has hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"
-Looking for Alaska.

I want to be friends with John Green. And I should begin finding my 'Great Perhaps' now.

---

after a hurricane comes a rainbow.

true.

---

5 MORE DAYS.

A synthesis.

how am i to move

if you bind my feet and yours

with these chains i willingly wear

and i try to move but you remain rooted

and there is nowhere i can go

without you

how am i to breathe

if you take my air away

and grip the muscle that leaves me breathless

with my palm tracing shadows

as i try to find what once was you

for our hearts to beat together once more

how am i to live

if you aren't there anymore

and the only thing closest to me and you is a memory

with what of me left as i struggle

with the illusions that tempt me

away from reality

and i'm trapped in the world i created

where only me and you

exists

-Rae


---


synthesis from:


how am i to sing my song if you make me
speechless
if you take the words from my mouth
and stab them into my heart
like knives

how am i to close my eyes knowing you aren't there
when they open
-David Ross Lawn.

Elegy.

I had to write something inspired by 'Secrets':

---


she was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

we may not have been the best couple, or the one with the strongest bond. hell, we probably weren't that in love as any other couple. but if it were one thing that we both truly had, it was how real and genuine our feelings were for one another.

we always fought, and in good faith. it made us stronger. fuck, that's cliche. but honestly, it did. we never met with any common ground to begin with. we probably didn't even know of each other's existence till our eyes met.

maybe that's why our love was so real. our impressions of one another were never bolstered, never tainted by the words of others. We just... met. And maybe that's what got us through all the shit we've been in. That... and having one another.

Dear John:

what is love?

My time spent with you hasn't led me to the answer. These 2 months with you have been the best time of my life. I've done things I've never imagined. It's like I'm living in a different world.

But that's just it... isn't it? There's nothing more to what we have, and sometimes I feel we're both at the edge of a cliff - it's too late to turn back and there's no point in staying on.
So here i am... taking the plunge.

live and learn

I came home in the morning

And everything was gone

Oh what have I done

I dropped dead in the hallway

Cursing the dawn

Oh come on sun

Why must I burn

I’m just trying to learn

freaking addicted to this song.

--

thursday was awesome.
3 episode GA marathon w/ anne while we waited for ball to get done. i really, really love GA. i think i'm going to get the DVD for all the seasons. we're gonna watch the finale for season 1 together soon, yay.
far east for 'ban mian' and really good fried dumplings. bought things at insanely cheap prices (i like cheap, nice looking things that don't threaten to give me rashes). seriously cheap; 2 shirts for 20, aviators for 13 (though i don't consider this that great of a buy but i like it). somerset's daiso and spotlight for my polaroid project and that was about it.

apparently, i thought you could easily hammer a nail into the wall but i was wrong, you can't. i think a power drill's necessary but i don't have one so i'm gonna go buy those hooks with the 'nails' you hammer onto your wall. i have no idea how i'll remove them in the future but whatever, it's for the 'now'.

i need boat shoes and/or loafers. cheap ones.

a letter #2.

Jake,

i can't believe this is the first thing i'm doing since i've reached my apartment. but it's for you so why not?
i've read your letters a dozen times since i got it. on the plane, in transit, in the cute yellow cab and before i wrote this. i cried the first... second and i don't know which other time i've read it. yes, i cried and no, it's not a lie to make you worry if it's any good.
it is, the best you've ever written.

NY has been nice so far, but it feels a little empty cos' i haven't got anyone to share the excitement with. i'm kinda worried about the people i'd meet when orientation starts. it's like, i haven't really 'made' friends in a while since i've been hanging around the same people (especially you) forever. obviously nervous if i would find a friend that'd click with me just like you and i.

Science and Faith

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope

You won't find heart and soul in the stars

You can break everything, down to chemicals

But you can't explain a love like ours.

-The Script

I listened to an entire album for the first time

cathartic.

---

school's ending soon and i've been doing nothing there except practice for oral presentation, play lots of monopoly deal during insanely long breaks and on friday, had a grey's anatomy marathon with the two balls.

p.s, i wanna carve a pumpkin

my mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalize.

you speak as though i'm nothing
while slyly drive razor blades deep inside

i pretend nothing's happening
even as you remove them and stitch me up again

i am in pain, if that's what it's still called

if that's what it still feels
-Rae

don't wait, don't wait

p.s, I just discovered the 'jump break' function.
yay-face.

Travelling: Town #1.

they are both at the pier, the water illuminating the night lights. neither talk as they enjoy the breeze and each other's presence. it is the last night they would share and he is prepared to leave forever.

"This whole new life you're living. Is it better than the one you used to have?" she said.

"It used to feel like i was living in a dream. I don't know, everything seemed real... yet it felt as though the world would crumble within seconds," he said.

"You couldn't live naturally."

"Yeah, exactly. One day, I woke up, I thought, 'life isn't suppose to be like this'. This -- living precariously, thinking as though all would end someday. I couldn't take it, not anymore."

"So you left, and since then you've been travelling from town to town."

"I left. I left everything i once had, I left whatever past buried and started afresh -- packed my bags and headed straight for the station. Whatever I couldn't take was gone forever."

"You ended up coming here."

"Yep. I was in a village nearby and the stream sort of led me here."

"Do you regret it? Living this sort of life?"

Love.

"i remember, without you, i was a mess" she laughs, "i couldn't do anything. i was depressed -- a wreck"

"yeah?" he replied.

"and then you came... at first, i thought you were this guy who prided himself in emotion, who believed in the absurdity that love is everything. but then, time spent with you, i felt the cloud above me starting to lift a little. i thought 'hey, life isn't that bad', and it isn't. with you, it's perfect," she looks away. 

"before you... i thought love was incomprehensible. that it was irrational -- foolish, to fall in love. but now i understand it's genuineness, and... it's power."

"without you, i can't breathe. with you, my breath hastens. i don't know. you mean the whole world to me, and I don't ever want to lose you. i can't bear the thought of you being gone forever -- i can't live with you being gone forever, Tom"

pathos

they both stand apart, a world of pent up conflict between them. both are wracked and know whatever about to happen will dissolve the final strands of their relationship.

"you lied, from the very first day... you lied," she finally says, "was it ever real? any of this?" her tears have run dry as her whispers echo across the desolate room.

"I want-" he makes to speak.

"you wanted to tell me?" she smiles at the absurdity, "... but you didn't. for 2 years, you didn't."

"no. I never wanted to tell you," he replies.

crazy for you

you said i'm crazy, if i am i'm crazy for you.

--because i'm too crazy, too crazy for you.

a letter.

Jasmine Claire Jacobs,

you changed my life, and i would never forget that.

i know you absolutely hate it when I overwrite but i don't really care right now because this is probably going to be the last time i'm going to be telling you how much i love you so shut up and read it alright.

i remember all the songs you'd force me to listen, really, i do, no matter how many times i say i hate how you're irritating the shit out of me, i remember.
i remember all the notes you'd write for me, and i keep them, i keep them in a box that holds all my precious memories. but i also keep them closed inside my heart. you matter a lot.
i remember all the phone calls we make, how stupid they are, how foolish we are, because every phone call closed whatever physical distance that tried breaking us apart.

life without you would suck. but don't take that as me not wanting you to leave. i do, i really do, because that's what you need, a change. and as your best friend, i would support you wherever you are.

so good luck in life, and i hope i'd be the only Jake you'll ever know, the Jake that'd cheer you up, the Jake that you met and will always remember since fifth grade and the Jake that is your best friend. because you mean the whole world to me, and letting you go is hard, but letting you go is the only thing to do.

if sometimes you forget who you are, if sometimes you need a little hope; something to pick you up, read this letter and you'll know i'm with you and it doesn't matter even if we're a thousand miles apart because i'll still be with you.

and really, i remember all the time we spent, happy or not, because those times just brought us closer together.

love, and forever your best friend, Jake.

-Rae

---

Inspired by: Where Are You Know - Honor Society
photos from deviantart, flickr, facebook.

different.

if it wasn't for you i would never be who i am, where are now?

---


a different day

the sunrise sparkled

we were together

locked in each other's arms

and we kissed

the longest kiss

but it felt like only a blink went by


we stood silent
like candles that burned unending
not a flicker aroused
we glowed endlessly


a different night
fireflies in the garden
we danced, pranced
lived like the world never existed
and we kissed
a brief one
but it felt like the world had stopped forever
-Rae


---


because in less than two weeks, it'd all be over.

Currently: have no life cos' I'm cooped up at home studying for shit. Yay.

hey, you, you've got an awesome taste in music.

Sarah 2.

This ain't a love song,

this is goodbye.

---


Sarah 2


the cold steel slams behind her. she knows she is alone. everything she once had, behind her, it is now gone. it is what she wants but she is not sure. this world she's opened herself to was filled with uncertainty. and the uncertainty brought with it death, the porters. if they found her, if they discover what she is. she would die before a scream could leave her.


but it was better.


it was better than being trapped inside an entirely different world, a world detached from what is real. and she hated that. she wanted some sense of realism.


even if it meant dying.

-Rae

Treading

she was a vanished girl

who felt untouched by the world

left in the sinking depths

kept alive by the darkening hour

she still believes

still believes

a mother gone,

a father non-existent

her family kept her going

the brokenness a lighting

she still fights

still fights

her forest set aflame

the haven she once loved, gone

gone

she had nowhere to go

nowhere to hide

she was bare,

bare

wrecked life

wrecked hope

the pain reminds her it's real

the dream she lives in

a dream she's living in

it keeps her going

keeps her going

she's falling, drowning

hope merely an excuse

to cover up the lies she's heard

that keeps her moving

moving.

but it's pulling her down --

suffocating her

she's pretended it's funny,

to live in a dream

pretended it's fine

to be deceived by what

she believed in instead of

what was real.

but when her walls crumble

and the dream she lives in

becomes the reality she's always

been running away from

there's really nowhere else to run

to run.
-Rae


---

Bolded sentence from Amy's View.

Helium Hearts

cos' we're on fire walking love's highest burning wire
helium hearts we're falling skyward
we're never coming down
we're so high the city below gets small and quiet
every breath just makes us lighter
we're never coming down


---

it's divinely unfair that Singapore's iTunes doesn't support the music store.
How am I gonna buy my all-time idol's songs then?
His talent for writing is unbeatable.

---

a random haiku:

the touch, when we meet
our hearts, entwined in complete
this love, simply sweet.

First Five Words.

Naked,

Hate,

Dread,

Despair,

Hidden.

Clearly, negativity surrounds me right now.

p.s, naked as in raw (or that's how I see would fit with the other words). Not naked, naked.

Tom.

there's was no one else in this world that possessed such strength.
I would see her in the dance studio, always practicing. She danced, she danced, and she danced.

I was curious why she kept practicing. The exams were already over (she emerged as the top student, of course) and the next one would be in 6 months time.
Despite her constant practice, I assumed she would be exhausted. But I've never seen her once, not once, miss a step. She always had this... this extra talent. Every swing, every step, was graceful yet overflowing with passion.

And today, she was in studio 2 again. I waved hello, which has become sort of routine after our eyes continually meet each other whenever I leave for home.
I decided to make the first move and went over to her. She smiled, like always, the sunlight casting a brilliant glow about her.

'hey,' I said

she reciprocated my greeting and paused the radio.

'I always see you practicing here. Always."

'yeah.' she smiled, 'I always see you leaving school too. Always.'

we both laughed, the tension somehow slackened.

'why do you always practice? I mean, I see you here, practicing for hours every single day. Why?'

Perhaps I never fully understood the meaning of 'passion'. But her next few words enlightened me. Her next few words taught me that 'loving' something is not enough. Her next few words, taught me, what a 'dream' is.

'it's because dancing is my life, and I don't ever want to lose it,' she said.

though she laughed, I could tell that those words she had said came from the heart, not words drawn from the air to keep a conversation going.
from those words, I could tell how intense her passion was, and perhaps, this IS how intense passion should be.

I don't want to lose mine either.

Ashley.

the last memory of her was of both of us beneath the willow in each other's arms. Her feet continuously caressed the grass as she stared towards the sea. not a word from her. i could feel she was ready. ready to leave.
i wanted to tell her i knew what she was thinking, that she was ready to dissolve. but i couldn't. i was afraid. was it because i didn't want her to go? or was it because i was afraid that once i'd tell her, she'd be hurt and carry on this painful life not just for me, but everyone?
i don't know, i really don't.

her family buried her in the church she had always loved. she wasn't religious, never. but the beauty the church possessed enthralled her. and just the idea of believing in something got her curious.
i wasn't there, of course. i couldn't. actually, i was barred. barred by her, that is.
she made me promise that i wouldn't attend her funeral. she said she would rather the last memory i have of her was when blood still coursed through her, when she could still speak, and smile... react. that way, she said wistfully, it would be as though she had never died in my mind.

if there was anything that reminded me of her, it was her will. her will was so strong, so... emanating, that she could banish the grief everyone was feeling for her. you could say she was a light, metaphorically speaking. and the light within her overwhelmed the pain everyone experienced.

we all loved her.

i loved her.

Jess.

it was amazing how Jess was still alive. but it seems like as the days continue to die, a little part of my heart does too. i think my sanity is going. everyday, i hope she lives another day. but everyday, her pain gets worse. seeing her like that... it hurts. she no longer seems to be living, to be alive. and the only reason why she's still breathing is because it's what other people want. that's not living. i don't know what that is, but it's definitely not living.


i've been stealing sunsets for her. but i think it's time to confess. maybe it's time to grow up, i don't know. but one thing's for sure, i can tell. she wants to get those sunsets herself. and this desire is eating what's left of her.


i don't want her to be an empty shell.
-Remus, unedited.

Sunset lemon-drops.

The big screens, the plastic-made dreams,

say you don't want it,

say you don't want it.

-One Night Only, 'Say You Don't Want It'

30th August: BIRTHDAY.

WITH THE CLASS. Hilarie + I in awkward 'squat down for the short people behind' positions.

p.s, huge banana explained later.

HILARIE. Her birthday is today! She's a year older but a day younger than me! :D

THE BALLS. who bought me the banana. and they're awesome. but the two immediately on my left didn't follow the orders of the one on my extreme left to wrap the banana cos' they insisted transparent foil + transparent bag = wrapping.

I had to carry it home. alone. while they had STAR. then we had ramen. yay.

THE LESS THAN HALF CLASSMATES. Three on my picture right are the awesome PW mates.

OTHERS ON FACEBOOK.
MY CLASS IS COOL.

---

remember the first day when you thought making new friends would be hard or you wouldn't fit in?
foolish thought.

Only when you're lonely.

I PROMISE TO STUDY TOMORROW.
28/08 AS WELL.

Oh, oh, here we go again.

here we go again

we're sick like animals

we play pretend

you're just a cannibal

and i'm afraid i won't get out alive

no i won't sleep tonight

For The First Time

Great song.
13th September: Science & Faith.

p.s, chickenpox sucks. 

Men of Snow.

I feel horrible but
thank god for ingrid michaelson.

things to do:

finish 2200 pages worth of literary guide
study for lit essay test
get well,
smile.

I'm a mist of pessimist.
Right.

---

"It wasn't that I forgot Hanna. But at a certain point the memory of her stopped accompanying me wherever I went. She stayed behind, the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of the station. It's there, somewhere behind you, and you could go back and make sure of it. But why should you?"
- The Reader, Bernard Schlink. 


---


p.s, Australia won many swimming medals yesterday. I was there continually arguing with Joanna who would win. And the Aussies rocked. :D

Sarah 1

Sarah 1

'Sarah! hey! where're you going?'

he catches her pell-mell and strides quickly towards her. She ignores him still when he calls her name again. Wanting her to stop, he grabs her elbow, only to have it shaken off. But it does work as she is suddenly stilled, mid-step.

'I'm sorry... I -- I just wanted you to stop.'

he sees tears streaming down her face but the silence between them holds.

'Dean, tell me something,' casually wiping her tears.

'yeah?'

'have you... have you ever thought of what's out there?'

'out there?' he replies, puzzled by her question.

'yeah. out there. beyond these walls.'

'i -- i don't know. nothing?' he said, knowing it was a stupid answer, 'why?'

she sniggers and looks at him. the first time they make such serious eye contact. he is immediately embarrassed seeing her swollen eyes but does not look away.

'nothing. just curious, that's all.'

she hugs him and kisses him on the cheek, then walks away. he is left rooted to the ground, startled by her sudden action.

-Rae


---

Pictures from forever:

p.s, need to get Bruno Mars' album.

Nothing scarier than reality

'stop being like this will you!'

'stop being what? YOU need to stop. YOU need to stop living in this -- this lie you've conjured! this LIE you've led everyone to believe in!'

'what are you talking about? this 'lie' is what keeps everyone going. this 'lie' is why we're still fighting. this 'LIE' is why we're all still here!'

'you're wrong. this, this world you've made. it's impossible to break. in here, in this... this shell you've made, it's suffocating. there's no longer any room for new boundaries. there's no longer any room for life. there's no longer any room for HAPPINESS.'

'then leave! leave for all i care! let them take you. let them do whatever they want to you. but don't expect me to bring your body back.'

'FINE, if you want me to leave, i'll leave.'

She throws his arms away and grabs the already-prepared knapsack off her bed. She stops at the door and voices her departure.

'you know what? Landon wouldn't have wanted this. he knew when it was time. when it was time to wake up. you... you're just living in self-deceit. and you're pulling everyone down into this nightmare you've somehow managed to disguise as eden. but between the cracks, from the outer blood-stained walls, when that all comes crashing down, you'll realize there's nothing scarier than reality.'

-Rae

---

National day was fun, :D

She.

she sought love

through razor-blades

upon her wrists

she found joy

in a needle's prick

liquid into her veins

they found her in an alley

her corpse on a pool of crimson

-Rae 

Angst.

When all the brightest lights

start drowning night by night

you don't know where to go

you don't know what to believe

and you don't even know what got you here

in the first place

you say life's catching up

but stop, you're already living in the past

what's there to fret?

you're barely there anyway

you try illusions and tricks

but they don't work

they merely make you tick

what's wrong with you?

"i feel nothing no more"

you stand over the edge

the rush has gotten into your head

adrenaline overwhelms you

a quick salvation takes you through

and you fall

you let yourself fall

your worries fade into the cool night

as apartment lights flick light by light

they've been crammed into an

already filled cabinet

but you don't care

cos' you aren't there anymore.

-Rae

Down's the only way up.

"John!" Lea shouts, hearing the advancing threat.

the shifters move towards the center of the room, back facing backs. One by one the porters phased in, with eyes of pure hatred and weapons not meant to put-down, but to kill. 


"Shit!" he said in agony. They barely have space to move, much less run. Down?

"Down!" he howled.

in an instant the shifters transformed. Some into their battle forms, others into the heaviest animals they had. Blood sprayed from all directions, some from the lions and wolves tearing at the limbs of their enemies while the rest from the daggers and guns their enemies employed. In the center of the room an elephant and two rhinoceros stomped while defending themselves from those who made past their protectors.


Now up! John tried desperately to *push while taking on two porters. 


They got his plan - the floor crumbled, the porters with it while the shifters safe in mid-air, wings fluttering frantically to gain balance. 


They were safe, for now.


-Rae.


Push = telepathy.

Death doesn't make it a pitstop.

"Stop it! Just... just stop it Lea. Just because you're still grieving doesn't mean the world stops for you. Well, guess what, the world will leave you behind if you don't catch up."

"Catch up? Catch WHAT up? Jesse's dead. He's dead. And if there's one thing I learnt from his death. One thing, it's that we can't win. We're losing. Or perhaps we've been fighting a losing battle all this while."

"Fuck it. You're not the only one grieving. You think everyday I don't want to give up fighting? Fighting for this... this 'war' we're unlikely to win? The fact that there are more out there. That there are more - waiting to die, more Jesse's. They keep me going. They're faith in me, in all of us, keeps me going."

"John..."

"And it's them I'm fighting the war for. I'm not fighting for the dead. I'm fighting for those, who are alive. So don't tell me to quit. Don't ever tell me to stop fighting. Because I stop, I stop when the war ends, win or lose -- Hell, I'd probably be dead anyway if we lose. We're having a meeting in 5, same place. Be there alright? We all need a little hope that everyone's still in this."

He leaves the room, the door left open. Lea is left sitting on the bed, still crying as when John entered. The impact of John's words has seeped into her and she realizes the state she is in. Her tears stop. She hastily crams her stuff into her duffel and scrambles for 5. Now 2.


-Rae

it's fucking everyone.

Jake: "You have to move on with your life. It's not just you that's suffering. It's everyone. It's fucking everyone. You have to forget him. He's gone. Dead. And he'll never come back. Jus-"

Charlie: "I know! You think I don't know that? You think tha- that as each horrible day passes, that I don't want to move on? It's not easy. It's not as simple as going to sleep and waking up where everything's fine. Where everything is normal. I'm... I'm scared and lost and I don't know what to do."

"Scared? Why are you scared? There's nothing to be afrai-"

"Because I'm scared that moving on with my life. That... that letting go of this anger inside me would mean I'm letting go of him in his entirety. That I would be forgetting him. And I don't want that. I don't want to ever forget him. Dead or not."

-Rae

-

This Figure I Met

i thought bravery possessed me,

but fear soon overwhelmed me,

and it slowly consumed me.

i felt my body aching,

as it was slowly fading,

before i could start screaming,

i was long dreaming.

the man i met ,

in this place i wept,

he was blurry -,

 but he looked sad.

 i was lost,

 but he said "don't be scared".

he asked me something,

though i heard nothing.

"where would I want to be",

he asked once more.

"where do I want to be"

he whispered listlessly

i started thinking,

and spoke unwavering,

"if chance would let me

i'd want to go back".

then he started smiling.

he broke into pieces,

that turned into darkness.

i became scared again,

but somehow time felt slowing,

and my body started breaking.

there i was, back again

light poured into my eyes,

and pain seared wherever it could go.

i began shouting

"what the hell is happening"

my ears were hurting

"sir, you were dying

but we've got your heart going

and we're nearly reaching"

-Rae

The way you're singing in your sleep 

The way you look before you leap 

The strange illusions that you keep 

You don't know 

But I'm noticing 

The way your touch turns into arcs 

The way you slide into the dark 

The beating of my open heart 

You don't know 

But I'm noticing

-David Levithan

Resolution.

And there she stood, in the middle of the desert. For weeks not a drop of rain fell. For weeks, everyone suffered.

But there she stood. Bravery had choked her, but bravery did not kill her.

Unexpectedly, she quickly, but gracefully, spread her arms wide. She tilted her head. She stared at the sky with her eyes closed. It had turned grey.

And as if someone had struck her, she fell on her knees, unshaken. Her face still towards the sky, her eyes still closed. In months, she had not spoken. In months, she had never once smiled.

But today was different. Today she had left the house.

"Thank you," she whispered to the winds.

An unfamiliar sensation washed over her. Invisible strings fell from above and attached themselves to the corners of her mouth. 

They tugged. And as they tugged, she felt the pain within her dissolving, she felt the depression that has left her empty for months bleeding away. 

She smiled when the first drops of rain pelted her.