fuck. you do always hurt the ones you love. 

ugh. 

and just like that he lost

what defined him as 

a youth.

strange,

how he didn't

feel

anything at

all.

strange.

memory:

every vignette of you and him pelts

                                    you like hail.

your bones ache with every cry --

like a storm that cannot stop.

words you thought would heal

becomes gale

that slits your lips and cuts your heart,

a flood past an abandoned park with

that tree that brims with life;

that tree he promised was yours and his,

marked with the gashes of his knife,

your knife which now indent your wrists.

---

i've been slacking in my writing.
ugh, A' levels drain the inspiration right out of me.
and why am i falling behind on my Disgrace essays?!
i think i will wake up at 8 tomorrow so i can exercise early and start studying earlier.
my thoughts are clearly frazzled.
i need to start writing in a more sophisticated fashion.
goodnight.

burn, burned, burnt.

the rain is calming and cathartic.

when was the last time i had an afternoon-nap again?

yeap, never.

the rain is pouring but i am toiling.

song for the rain:

i have been slacking way too much recently. perhaps i should be heading to the airport whenever i can and study till 10pm.

perhaps i should.
i think i've been doing way too much lit (neglecting my other subjects along the way). now everything i read my brain just automatically turns on the 'form' mode. yeah.

talk about obsession.

farewell assembly:

i forgot to set my alarm the night before, but i miraculously woke up on time! i've been trying to cut back on '!' and the unnecessary 'haha' but that's really beside the point. anyway, school has really ended, i don't know. and after our A' levels i really think i'd feel insanely empty not having anything to do. afterall i've been incessantly studying that it sort of became a habit (well, not really, but you get the point).

ANYWAY, last day of school, lots of pictures, awkward performances, really great food at shanky's parents' restaurant yeah. there are way too many pictures i wanna include so page-break now:

awesome:

awesome places, awesome food, awesome friends, awesome day.

awesome everything, today.

this is an amazing poem:

---

and i'm in my strange-fascinations mood again. the last time it was enjambment, then parentheses, then form, and now it's sonnet. 

omnia causa fiunt:

this is going to be a long post so...

the first 5 seconds are pretty jarring... i don't know, the instruments seem to clash and that, for some reason, adds to the soothing quality of the song when his voice comes in.

anyway,

hi, i like you (4):

it's you again, always you. you're so awesome luh. gorgeous and flawless. i can't stand how sars and i are always blatantly gawking at you. it's hilarious! but we do it anyway cos' with your face (and personality... don't really know what you're like but you seem really nice) deserve to have creepers like us, heh. since school is going to end officially i reckon i'll be doing something drastic and totally embarrassing, hoping that it'll all end well and we'll end up as friends and even more (baby you know what i mean). and if we do, you'll find out eventually that i've been a creeper from day one and feel (you better) immensely flattered to have a lover like me. okay, i need to stop fantasizing cos' this might end up going nowhere, operation down the rabbit hole might not work out and i will need to start digging my own hole to bury my shame in. seriously speaking though, you're hot. and i know this may sound pretty superficial but hey, if you're hot inside out then it'll all work out right! plus the fact that i think you're physically attractive while my friends dismiss my open proclamation means something right? i need to stop now because if i continue it will probably end up as a thesis about you.

only you baby, only you.

---

How can you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?

the quote from Blue Valentine left a deep impression on me. i mean, the theme of fleeting love ran throughout the film (almost said 'poem'). i know it's pretty ironic to place this after talking about attraction but yeah. i guess my answer would be that you it doesn't matter. i mean, trust is something so... intangible and abstract that there is no point in defining it. sure, it probably means 'faith in someone'. but what is 'faith'? which again, means 'belief', another abstract word. i suppose all you can do is just to go for it, regardless of what you trust. either it works out or it doesn't (wow, dr. phil). in the end as i'm always telling everyone, it's what happened, not what happens.

/end deep thought.

dede's 18th:

it was pretty normal, sadly. but we didn't have time to plan an elaborate event! school seems to take every second it can from you.
still, we had a pretty nice celebration:

birthday girl! plus the sarah.

sorry, hair too awesome to not have a picture of it.

i swear this looks pretty candid. why am i even captioning everything... lamely, at that. 

stoned woman and dyslexic boy. 

gorgeous birthday girl! her hair is amazingly luscious. 

LOOK. AT. LARMY.

oh, we got her a hello-kitty portable standing fan (aweszballs). i don't know why the pictures turned out so good (even without edits they already were great). yeah. that's it.

stuck in reverse

miss fern has been giving amazing poetry practices lately and this is one of them by Gwendolyn Brooks:

We are things of dry hours and the involuntary plan,
Grayed in, and gray. "Dream" mate, a giddy sound, not strong
Like "rent", "feeding a wife", "satisfying a man".

But could a dream sent up through onion fumes
Its white and violet, fight with fried potatoes
And yesterday's garbage ripening in the hall,
Flutter, or sing an aria down these rooms,

Even if we were willing to let it in,
Had time to warm it, keep it very clean,
Anticipate a message, let it begin?

We wonder. But not well! not for a minute!
Since Number Five is out of the bathroom now,
We think of lukewarm water, hope to get in it.

--

i do not want to be like the couple in the poem; too caught up with their commitments and lacking the time to pursue their dreams to the extent that they seem to be contented with the slightest things that we would deem normalcy. it seems like they're simply going through the motions! and that kinda scares me, thinking if my life would end up like that (okay lah, my life probably won't end up with me wistfully thinking of my hopes and dreams whilst 5 or more children scramble around a cramped apartment - but you get the drift). i especially like (and dread) the third stanza cos' it really highlights the conflicting life they have - chase their dreams or attend to their tangible, breathing commitments who they cannot simply give up on (unless they give them away but that's a different story).

i don't wanna ever get carried away by life. i want to get carried away with life.

and i didn't achieve much today, ugh. i guess i did finish next week's poetry comparison (which was very relatable but i felt that my essay lacks rigour though :/) but that's all. sigh, bye.

lights will find you

i don't think i blogged about my week, not that it was exciting or anything. actually it was unbelievably dull; school has siphoned all that is left of my social life. i would actually post photos about the sarah and my trip to town yesterday but i have no photos. the thing is, i brought my camera but i left the damned battery at home. and i was so excited to take photos cos'... i wore a new outfit that day and i really love it. vain, i know, but who cares luh - embrace your vanity. and i don't even think i'm that vain lor, just proud of my putting-an-outfit-together skills. actually on hindsight (and whilst wearing it) my outfit wasn't that good luh. jeans may match boots but straight-cut jeans look baggy and i don't have any skinnies to go with it. guess i'll (never though i'd say this) get a pair sometime. plus the food we had at medzs looked so sumptuous and amazing. owell.

what i will be sure to record though, is michelle plus me on thursday. we are going to:

bleach my jorts

cut up a way-too-tight tpjc tee into a tank

watch a movie (?)

and now i end this post abruptly, which, wasn't really about me week. huh.

potential songs for my lover and i:

1. lykke li - sadness is a blessing

2. platters - smoke gets in your eyes

3. penny and the quarters - you and me

4. temper trap - sweet disposition (!!!)

5. landon pigg - can't let go (acoustic)

6. beach boys - don't worry baby

7. mcfly - i'll be your man (acoustic)
8. ingrid michaelson - the way i am

if you're the sort who enjoys oldies (2, 3, 6) and alternative then you'll definitely recognize that i'm the sappy lover who takes my music seriously. i don't know, there's just something about the oldies that screams 'love' and 'romantic' compared to most of the modern songs these days. okay, some of the songs aren't exactly lovey-dovey and are actually kinda depressing but they make perfect love songs from the vibe they give! now i realise this is super ironic compared to two posts back. owell. this list will continue to grow.

---

i just have to throw this in even though it doesn't fit the post:

"sometimes i have the immense urge to call him despite the pain he's caused me. sometimes i just have to call him, to hear his voice. that doesn't make me feel better, but that makes me think of what we had, and what we had were some of the best times of my life."

"... what if she picks up? what will you do then?"

badum

drowning in school work. one lit essay down, five more to go -- great. i had better be some literary genius by the time i'm done with these essays, or at least permanently improve from the high C's i'm averaging to a low B (at least!) i receive now and then. my poetry's really bad so i'm going to focus a lot more on that. why am i even saying this when it probably isn't relatable.

and then there comes the other subjects, which i really hope i haven't peaked yet, because there's still so much room for improvement. gah, everything's going to end really soon, which makes me wonder when i'll ever have to involve the multiplier or the formation of a karst landscape in my life. surely, some of the stuff i get from education wouldn't be so meaningless right? the massive consults i'll be having next week must definitely mean something right? i am as uncertain as how what i learn from intensely-intensive revision next week like a philosopher pondering whether the sun will rise tomorrow.

for one, i know lit will forever and always stay with me. i mean, i'm very likely going to major in creative writing/english/lit so that will definitely help, not to mention how we can apply our studies of the human condition in our plays. ugh, this is all so jarring (baby i know).

and why am i falling ill again?! whatever happened to that immaculate immune system you enjoy temporarily after a bout of illness. i don't get it, seriously i don't. so i'm gonna shut up and chug my herbal tea and cooling water and such (i am traditional like that, but i'm also gonna get western meds luh).

i'm so adverse to relationships that it depresses me.

what is it with me and forming real human bonds?

maybe i'm an alien.

well take me home, mothership,

take me home.

and this song is so ironic that it's depressing me even further.

chaos, it enriches my mind

gonna quickly jot down my week before i head out cos' i know when i get back i'll be too busy with homework to log it in.

hi, i like you (3):

hi i like you, because you're really really hot and just so i don't come off as superficial, your character seems amazing from a stranger's (creeper) point of view. i don't think i have ever thought anyone in real life to be that hot and larmy says i've attached 4-different adjectives to her insult to you (she calls you a rabbit... jeez) but that's because her insult is invalid and you look awesome. like neon trees "i wanna be more than friends". but then again, we need to be friends first and i don't know how to break the stranger-creeper barrier between us. 

hi i like you, even though you made me so embarrassed with myself for doing something thoroughly foolish. oh well, you're still gorgeous.

hi i like you, ACTUALLY I'M FUCKING PISSED AT YOU RIGHT NOW AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THIS SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE. you are so annoying and i don't know what you're trying to do because you're incredulously capricious like that one katy perry song where she rants about her beau being hot n' cold. sheesh, either leave me the hell alone or be a little more consistent. i'm not an emotional towel that's always hanging on the rack you know. the more i think about it the more livid i get. 

hi i like you, actually i don't. i feel the same for you as the aforementioned individual but i'm not as pissed, more of annoyed. but if you're gonna be like this in the long-term then seriously, just piss off. ugh. and i'm seriously peeved when people ask or say something obscure and i reply "huh?" or "what?" to clarify but you go "nothing, nvm".