i am so fucking sad and depressed,

because i cannot do anything

while my friend is in a state of emotional suffering.

:(

things i did in the week:

my week was pretty good, especially after studying like crazy for the prelims. my week was so fruitful so this post is exorbitantly long. digressing, i really wanna work for hugo boss or zara or a slick brand just to look smart and well-put together everyday. then again, i really wanna intern for a writing company like August (HAHAH if possible) or i don't know. continuing...

惨了，我星期一有华语B A'水准考试...

他妈的.

HAHAHAHA

---

anyway,

how many mazes do you think you've built

to the path into your heart?

your labyrinth

seems inescapable,

and unsolvable.

you trap us in there with hopes

and dreams of what will be

at the end,

but in the end

they were nothing

but illusions 

of false sense and insecurities--

insecurities of your foolish desires

to be loved

by lovers

who would have done anything

for you,

anything.

now we're trapped starving and dying

in the moments

you've created

to lure us

into the labyrinth

you name

your heart.


---

the friday today:

only one lesson in school, lazed around till the gates were open. lunch with the balls, laze around my house thereafter. amore before Tuls, Lili, and Sars came over. had a go at hair straightening, watched funny videos, cut up my old, no longer worn jeans into jorts (which was highly successful, i must say), watched even more funny videos.

this is life, i must say.

that is, of course, before next week begins and life gets hectic all over again.

gotta blog about:

town-day with lars

baking day and

fat day.

"you know i can't do this"

"do what?"

"give you everything i have and expect nothing back"

mmhmm

prelims are finally over! yay!

oh, i was tremendously proud of myself today because i asked for extra paper before kau. and yes, it's the dumbest thing to be happy over but seriously, with the amount both of us usually write (not being conceited), i'm always too slow to actually pen down all of the stuff i want to include in my answers, so yeah. didn't matter in the end anyway since we used it all.

anyway,

i have many things to log down so i don't forget them in the future. and because school has been a twat that made it impossible to do so, i've actually forgotten what it is i want to record, that is, till i check the past posts (i typed what i would log):

growing up:

inappropriate moment (Geog paper tomorrow) but i just gotta write this down.

in 5 years i've changed a lot! like huge transformation (which i refuse to credit as good or bad). in the past i was just an average science kid, like the most cliched of science kids, you know, triple science and a.math. i hated it, well... not really hate, more like dislike Physics and Chemistry (and till this day i still do). i had insanely bad skin (still do, but not as dreadful), a really bad haircut, zero dress sense, and a pre-teen still pretty much unexposed to the real world, living my life in a warm bubble only to realize the world isn't as simple as it is till i've stepped out (or was violently pulled out of) it, as Kyra would put it.

hi, i like you (2):

1. yes i do. OMG you actually spoke to me yesterday OMG. *adds on facebook. great, now we're 'friends' of which i'm the creepy stalker, yay, roleplay foreplay (kidding... not really... nah). and i was way too stoned to realize till Sarah told me at night. damn.

2. i still do and it kinda irks me cos... yeah, let's just leave it at that else i'd go on writing a paragraph and then a thesis but anyway, i still do! but sheesh, not as much as i used to. i mean, you're great and all but why do you gotta go be someone you're not?! i mean, i'm totally fine (in fact i'd do that to) with not acknowledging something you don't want to through misleading answers (though you probably will not have the capacity to luh, since you're not really good with words and everything...). actually i'd give totally misleading and unasked-for answers just cos' it's hilarious but anyway, i wouldn't blatantly lie about who i really am! it's like telling someone you hate nachos but deep inside you love them like how a bulimic loves the toilet. there's a difference between:

said situation 1; 

'do you like nachos?'

'NO I HATE THEM, GOD THEY SUCK SO BAD. WHY DO YOU EVEN ASK THIS. NEVER NACHOS NEVER.' 

(when you love them to bits)

v.s. said situation 2;

'do you like nachos?'

'like how you love your dog.'

(when friend does not have mentioned pet)

OR

'whatever floats your boat, beb'

OR

'i don't know, do you, hobo?'

OR

'pie.'

see the difference: denial and hilarious digression. jeez.

3. i do but the reason is just plain lame. we share similar interests. but like how chick lit authors (which i assume they would... stereotypes are based on a general truth) are always preaching that 'similarities provide the foundation to every relationship and then the difference comes in and ...' i do! still, you're a really pretentious person (and i already am fairly pretentious) and Joanna says you look like an elf... that needs no explanation.

4. just cos' you're zoe saldana and i'm remus ang. what more need i say? by the way, Colombiania, totally going to watch that.

5. i will forever love you adele. i love how progressively unrelated this post is.

---

macklemore is insanely good.

he is amazing.

like eminem.

okay, maybe not like eminem. if eminem were king he'd be the prince though.

OKAY BYE GEOG. dang this is a long post.
baby i know.

heart:

"my heart is bleeding, so, so badly".

wait, what? what are you talking about? that's what the heart is suppose to do, you fool.

you seem to be caught up in this delusion that your heart is suppose to do anything other than bleed.

of course it bleeds! else you wouldn't be standing up right now,

else you wouldn't be alive right now.

silly fool,

--

you had better vanquish any foolish ideology on the 'soul' or 'matters of the heart'

before people catch what you're saying,

and mock

you for it. silly

fool.

if ever your heart stops bleeding,

well --

well, 

then you had better start worrying

cos'

you're

probably

dying,

if what you say is 'killing you'

isn't

already.

right?

silly

fool.

silly...

--

---

a play on form. ikr, not a very opportune moment midway into the prelims. the idea got me thinking at 2 in the morning, in bed, tryna' recall Malthus and his foil, Boserup's theory. how poetic. my tonsils are swollen as hell but i'm a trooper and i don't want to have slogged my guts out studying for nothing...
baby i know.

ugh:

We are always
excited with the intrusion
of an unexpected stranger
into our lives;
unexpected, but
welcomed.

And then the excitement fades
and all we see are flaws;
flaws we cannot ignore.

We try to look past the flaws,
and it succeeds;
a secret
stowed deep inside a closet.

But flaws,
they stay:
a nagging memory
begging
to be recalled
to engulf your mind,
your soul,
with thoughts
 you cannot ignore.

at-traction, re-traction.

why is it that the more we talk to each other, the more i fall for you?

but why is it that the more we talk to each other, the more i'm less interested in you?

silly boy, it's called attraction! here's how you get over it:
realize that even though they mean a whole lot to you,
you, like your individual self-worth,
the one that defines you?
they don't really care about that,
that really doesn't matter to them at all.

---

i want:

brown cardi,

sneakers, formal-ish shoes, 

shorts, jeans, chinos.

going to (update about):

face-painting

tunglok

sukiya

right now:

A.A Bondy - I can see the pines are dancing

love this song forever.

 i am a fire and i must burn today.