rotting like a wreck on the ocean floor

know that you are stronger than that. know how words should mean nothing to you because you are bigger than that -- stronger than them, braver than them, and their words will do nothing but bounce off of you. know that you are no longer a child who feeds off the attention of others; you are independent, you are no longer the person you thought you were a year ago and now you are liberated, you do not need anyone's faith, just your own. know what true love is, how we fall in love and it fades and it comes back again and passes on. know that you are somebody, that your existence matters not just to someone but many, many others, and that they will be shattered should you be gone from their lives.

know that life for you is not yet over and barely at its cusp.
know that life has just began for you.

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i have a feeling that i'll be able to fit this into something one day. no idea what but yeah.

inspiration: 


song (on top) which i've been addicted to since the beginning of the week. Florence and the Machines, Swimming.

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swrdswllngwhr

on Thursday we (Tuls, Kaede, Ethel, Sarah and Liyana) went to simpang to eat the undocumented food. it was really good! have to go back again to try the kebabs. 

before that Ethel, Kaede and I watched Insidious and it was mofo scary, but not like the kind where the spirits/demons and such are horrific looking but the kind where it just gives you this haunting feeling. still, the plot was amazing and it's definitely worth the fear (and sleepless night thereafter).

where'd you go

do you think... that it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time? equally?

i don't get you. you love both of them?

is it selfish? i mean, of course it is. but listen first before you judge me. it's pretty hard to put this into words because it's love, and both of them give me different types of it... different types of affection. and i don't know why but i love it both, i like how happy and carefree they make me feel, and sometimes i don't even see how i'll be able to lose either of them. i know i'm being thoroughly self-absorbed but i can't help it. i feel as though losing any of them would tear half my heart out. i feel as though without either, life wouldn't be as wholesome and amazing as it is right now. i feel in bliss and i feel so, so fortunate to have these two individuals giving me their entire emotions... their entire hearts. and even though the guilt rips me apart sometimes, i just... i don't know okay?

look, it is true that you're being selfish for leading both of them on, and no one can deny that. but this is love, this is how complicated it gets, how it forces you to choose even if you don't want to. i think you'll have to sort your feelings out and decide which one you truly love.

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p.s, i lied about not writing anymore about it.

filler.

do you think he knows? do you think he knows that when he's out there swinging it with another girl, you're at home crying and screaming to yourself because you don't know what to do? do you think that he knows when he's at that girl's house fucking her -- having the best time of his life on a bed with a girl he's only known for a week, you're on your own bed thinking if life is even worth living anymore, if it's your fault for being so worthless to even keep him by your side.

of course he doesn't. of course he doesn't know that he's corroding you bit by bit till you're becoming nothing but an empty shell for him to fill when he feels the need to return to you. if he does then he wouldn't be out there with her, wouldn't he? if he does then you wouldn't be in this depressed, broken state that you're in right now.

give him up.

p.s, NO MORE COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS AFTER THIS. KBYE.

i know it's alive

I'M SO FANGRY RIGHT NOW. i overslept for some reason and i really, really wanted to go to school today cos' i ironed my uniform BY MYSELF and WROTE (i usually type) 4 pages of lit essay for marking. UGHHH.
so today i will make the best of my time to study and exercise. but not right now. maybe at 1.

i came across this 'finding nemo' conspiracy and it sort of convinced me. apparently NEMO is OMEN spelt backwards and means 'no one' in latin. that explains its deformed fin. in reality, the eel killed marlin's entire family and not just his wife and the entire movie was merely marlin's imagination. he was chasing something which didn't exist.

OKAY ANYWAY, I WANT TO BE AN ALLSAINTS BOY.

http://www.allsaints.com/lookbook/mens/

the styles worn by the negro and the white guy with a buzzcut are amazing. but the clothes are all super expensive. can't stand it.

to get (or not if it's more than 40):

spring blaze, weave belt, cotton-polester shirts, more tailored shorts.
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let go of time for you and i

but how do you know that you love him? how do you know that he's the one who will whisk you off your feet and carry you up the stars forever? how do you know he won't let go no matter what happens?

i don't. i don't know if he will love me whole-heartedly one day and then suddenly desert me forever the next. i don't know that. i can tell you i don't expect our love to last -- i don't expect any love to last. love fades, but it's what that happens while it's still exists between two people. that's what matters. it's the fun times we have when we're together, the laughter, the tears... everything. that's what matters. it's how we cherish it while it's still here, how we accept, learn -- love. and right now i can tell you that i am a hundred, a thousand percent certain that i love him, that i am willing to do anything for him. right now i can tell you so many things about what him and i have, how i feel unbroken and felicitous whenever he's by my side... how i feel empty, as though the i'm the only one in the world when he isn't here with me.

but one thing i can't guarantee you. i know we won't be together forever. but who cares? it's the love we have or had that matters. that's everything to me.

inspiration:


the song and it's video, and the picture.
(i know the lyrics are totally the opposite, but i preferred it this way)

little bit

so, what did you do? when you... you know, saw him with another girl. 

i did nothing -- at first. at first all i did was run back home and blame myself. can you believe it? i blamed myself for something he's done. i thought i wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough or funny enough for him. he made me feel thoroughly inadequate of myself. and i didn't confront him because i was struggling to hold onto something i know was going to dissolve. 

but then i couldn't take it any longer; not when he was cheating in front of me. not when he's texting her when we're dining together, not when he pretends it's just business when i know it's her calling. i wanted to prove that if he could cheat, then i could as well. i tried to, but i couldn't. i couldn't because i'm not that kind of person. 

so all i did was simply leave. i told him i didn't want to be his second choice anymore. i told him he had to choose one of us and it wouldn't be me, because i already know how fucked up he is. i guess in the end, i realized that i was better than that, that the fault didn't lie in me.

i left, and instantly i became happier, i felt like this baggage that's been weighing me down had suddenly dissolved. i no longer thought of myself as inadequate, and it was the best feeling in the world.

time to leave and turn to dust

today:

woke up two hours later than i normally would on a school day because i had dental. extra sleep wasn't that great anyway since my body's used to flipping on at 6.20 and i have trouble falling asleep again because of all the heat that's been going around lately. woke up again at 7.30 to text message vibrations. i'm a light sleeper.

ANYWAY,

returning back for a dental review reminds me how time really has flew by. in a year my dentist has graduated from an intern into a full-fledged orthodontist. and i had to learn it the embarrassing way because i happily went to the usual floor (and proudly, since i could remember) only to be told by the attendant that she is now an official ortho-surgeon and she works 2 levels higher. i was reminded of time's fleeting nature again when my dentist exclaimed (yes) that i have changed a lot in terms of my hair, my style and other complimentary remarks which i will not say lest you think me conceited. we chatted (she's quite loquacious) about my life while i was in an awkward position with her hands inside my mouth and thus, unable to reply or interrupt but only agree with 'mmh's while she rambled. the main theme of our conversation was the A' levels. and if there is anything i remember clearly (apart from how much polishing and scaling costs), it is when she stated that my A' levels are this year and she told me to study hard, to which i replied "trying" and receiving a response of "what try? you must. it's everything, at least it is right now."

which sent me further down a spiral of thoughts.

the exams really are everything right now. it will come to define what or even who i become, and will lead to who i will be.
but what about the other important things? what about writing, what about the adage where we should treasure every single moment of our life, or how we should lead our lives as though it ends tomorrow? what about all of these 'values' we've been fervently fed with?
but if you think about it, the exams will determine the extent of our cherishing our lives. if we graduate with success, we have the opportunity to live lives we're always dreaming of; we then don't need to cherish every single moment, or live as though we die tomorrow because we will be living in the moment and we will be leading lives that will let us die without regrets.

you know, this totally wasn't my intention, getting pensive i mean. all i wanted to blog about was my amazing but insipid day with mich where we did nothing but indulge in polaroid-taking. since this post is already dreadfully long (and long-winded), i'll do that another day.
KBYE.

how we play fight as we dance slow

that is such a sick video. inception soundtrack + high definition camera + amazing direction. wow. everyone has their bad days; was so freaking pissed with myself at the gym. stamina dropped immensely, probably from the lack of sleep (cos' i was up till 3.30am watching the election, heh) and all the junk my system has been trying to handle while i insouciantly cram this shit down my throat. wake up call to have at least 8 hours of sleep and to eat healthier or risk crashing. to make it worse i've been sleeping a lot, as though i'm afflicted with diabetes or cancer or something.

so i've made up my mind to wake up early tomorrow, hit the gym, freshen up, grab my books and head to vivo's starbucks (which actually isn't a really productive place but it's the best there is close to Fat) and

sick muse

our school's track meet was yesterday, and it was amazingly fun, save the intense sun sans the awesome tan; now i'm just a white buffoon on the inside, heh (i secretly love the sun). our class got second place for two events, and it didn't matter cos' we all had fun, and this isn't me trying to make things sound better else i wouldn't even mention the lack of victory or achievement thereof. we were great.

-

so anyway, once track meet was over we (Fari, Tuls, Kau, Dewi, Lili, Sarah, Val, Kaede, Larry) vacated the school and eventually (after a really long time) decided on lunching at Swensens. Food was delicious partly because we were starving and mainly because of the deals (free ice-cream or free side) and we got to try each other's food. i got guilty for eating so much afterwards but that's beside the point. HP marathon continuation after that with the last 5 names mentioned. it was so good to watch Deathly Hallows P1 but i keep feeling as though i've watched it in a dream. owell.

and of course we had to photobooth, and they made a video that left me laughing while i watched it after they left.

we look so awesome eh.

let you go

---
sometimes you just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling the same; nothing.
i am definitely going to write something about this.and it's so awesome when one gets epiphanies before lasping into sleep. 'mumbles' in this case is definitely better than 'whisper'.

what you know

one day alice came to a fork in the road and saw a chesire cat in a tree. "which road do i take?" she asked. "where do you want to go?" was his response. "i don't know," alice answered. 

"then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

sometimes it's difficult to make a choice. but sometimes there's no point in making a choice at all, especially when you have no idea what each choice would lead you to.

only yesterday was the time of our lives

she is the most amazing singer ever. okay, i posted this multiple times but it's so, so good.

today was the most productive day of all the other days i've had these couple of months. woke up at 7.30, went to update my medical status (at freaking telok blangah - waited 20 mins for a cab and paid 26 cos' it was peak hour) and parked myself in vivo's starbucks waiting for Fat to finish her class. in the span of less than 2 hours i finished geog tutorials, a gp essay outline and more than half of my lit readings.

don't you remember

i didn't talk about my week last week, and come to think of it, i can't remember anything at all. Geoff Dyer was right when he said to keep a journal. actually i don't think anything exciting happened last week, other than saturday where i went out with Mich and Val. the japanese store at Ion's basement is so good.

the food looks so good right.

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