when will i see you again?

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,

No final kiss to seal any sins,

I had no idea of the state we were in,

fifteen:

hey, it's me again. this is probably the fifteenth unsent letter that i've written. where do i start? i've been fine, i suppose. i've been holding up pretty well without you. it was hard at first, as one would be able to tell from the previous letters. i bawled every night wishing you'd return, wishing you'd come back to tell me how everything's all right, how everything that's happening to me right now will turn out fine or how i shouldn't be scared because you'll be here by my side.

but what do i do, when all these things that you've said to comfort me when the fears creep in, when the fears are because of you? what do i do when you've left, leaving a crater so deep in my heart that i don't know how to feel anymore? what do i do when i just can't think straight without you, when everything to me just looks like flickering shadows and darkness? do you remember when we used to laugh at all the subservient female characters in movies who'd slump into despair when their beaus leave them? now i feel myself in their shoes, but somehow it feels so much worse than i've always imagined them to be in.

i know it's very selfish of me, but i wish that night didn't happen,

i wish, that you didn't have to die that night.

i wish that i had died with you.

Wonderland

hi, life goes on so there's no point in fussing over the unlimited quandaries that tag-along (though i think leaving it alone must mean that it'll come back to haunt you again one day)

THIS SONG (and its video) IS SO GOOD I WANNA WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I LIKE HOW SHE USES FAIRYTALES IN HER LYRICS:

I'm not Snow White, but I'm lost inside this forest

I'm not Red Riding Hood, but I think the wolves have got me

Don't want those stilettos, I'm not, not Cinderella

I don't need a knight, so baby, take off all your armor

You be the Beast and I'll be the Beauty-beauty

Who needs true love as long as you love me truly?

I want it all, but I want you more

Will you wake me up, boy, if I bite your poison apple?

i don't believe in fairytale,

 but i believe in you and me.

so good. the ending is so... Alice in Wonderland. 

identity.

i exude a sense of knowing
but little can you tell
that i am a mess inside
a ball of conflict
a mass of conundrums
a face that bleeds
unworthiness

i pretend life is felicitous
the world sunny and bright
despite the colours of bleak
that taint my vision
a wandering body punctuates
my confused soul

when all i wish
is to know who i am.


just a little moody, that's all. nothing like writing a little poetry. inspired by them: White Gold by Metric, Help I'm Alive (Acoustic) by Metric and Zombies by Cranberries.

White Gold

I wanna make it right, 

Some future in my eyes *bright*

Hush- don't explain, 

When you water down my name,

I'll be up too late,

Call me when you get,

Better at your game,

You haven't beat me yet.

A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky

In a Wonderland they lie,

Dreaming as the days go by,

Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream -

Lingering in the golden dream -

Life, what is it but a dream?

--Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll. 

I think i like the book. it ended like it's predecessor (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland) and i reckon it's intentional since Carroll continually stresses that life is, but a dream. life would be far more interesting if we saw things through Alice's eyes. her vivid capacity of imagination is something to behold. after all, when we start growing older, we start losing our ability to create entire worlds, even if they do contain rabbits in perpetual haste and talking lamb chops and sheep in rowboats and a talking egg sitting atop a treacherously narrow wall. we all need a world to escape into and Alice is trying to remind us that whatever realm we make for our escapades need not have to make an inkling of sense. ironic how these two books famed and labelled under the 'literary nonsense' genre could educate me so much. though i did find one of the things she said that did make sense:

"the prettiest are always further!"

true. well, she's referring to rushes (flowers) luh but i suppose it can be applied to life in general. the prettiest things are always further. no idea why though.

okay, i think i'm quite the nerd to be talking about books here but deal with it.

you want me to come over i've got an excuse

i would like to have a breakfast like this someday. looks so good doesn't it!

thoughts from nowhere: i don't know why but lately i've been thinking so much about life; how far i've been, how much i've been through and how wonderfully blessed i am to be surrounded by such amazing people. i reckon the present me would scoff at my past self for being a ball of depression and angst. how strange us teenagers were defined by angst in the past. how strange we, at the slightest of things, become gloomy and frustrated. how strange that we were so easily forced into ourselves and led to believe that life was miserable. all that has changed, and i think it's because as we grow older, we come to accept things and try to change it the best as we can instead of thinking everything to be going against us. much of our hate has become tolerance and perhaps our tolerance, acceptance. we are no longer who we used to be.

bound by the surprise of our glory days

APRIL ASPIRATIONS; THE ALLITERATION SAYS IT ALL:

SUPERFICIALS: get tan to fit clothes, buy more cheap clothes from cotton on's sale section in vivo

WELL-BEING: eat more meals at small(er) portions not to lose weight but so i don't crash whenever i feel the urge to hit the gym, exercise more; 2.4 sucks ass, read more novels that aren't school related, write more, dance more, sleep early, wake up early, drink more water, eat more fruits, abstain from unhealthy foods which includes the deep-fried stuff, have more greens

FUTURE: study study study, write more, read more, improve literature essay skills, change writing style (more succinct!!!), read lit readings, love lit readings, change attitude and love Disgrace, re-read Disgrace, write more lit essays, ask for lit consults, limit internet use, use time more efficiently, fill time with everything productive.

we threw our halos away

this post it written over the course of the week lest i forget the events that happened.

Monday began with school. i think i did fairly well for Economics, so that's a yay. lemon passion fruit tea with ethel & jo after school while we prepared anne's present, which is awesome.

why rock the boat and make waves

i think Adele looks beautiful even though she's not exactly the conventional size of beauty. she manages to carry her weight really well with her own style. awesome.