when will i see you again?

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,

No final kiss to seal any sins,

I had no idea of the state we were in,

fifteen:

hey, it's me again. this is probably the fifteenth unsent letter that i've written. where do i start? i've been fine, i suppose. i've been holding up pretty well without you. it was hard at first, as one would be able to tell from the previous letters. i bawled every night wishing you'd return, wishing you'd come back to tell me how everything's all right, how everything that's happening to me right now will turn out fine or how i shouldn't be scared because you'll be here by my side.

but what do i do, when all these things that you've said to comfort me when the fears creep in, when the fears are because of you? what do i do when you've left, leaving a crater so deep in my heart that i don't know how to feel anymore? what do i do when i just can't think straight without you, when everything to me just looks like flickering shadows and darkness? do you remember when we used to laugh at all the subservient female characters in movies who'd slump into despair when their beaus leave them? now i feel myself in their shoes, but somehow it feels so much worse than i've always imagined them to be in.

i know it's very selfish of me, but i wish that night didn't happen,

i wish, that you didn't have to die that night.

i wish that i had died with you.

----

so many times we take for granted that characters in novels or movies will end up alone because their lover leaves them for another or because their relationship had unravelled till they became two loose strands. but what happens when they die? what happens when they're being torn away from us unwillingly, from both sides? and what happens when we find ourselves unable to move on from their deaths?