fuck, what is with all these negative thoughts overwhelming my mind.

day 3 prose:

hollow pins lay scattered across the floor she sees no need in picking them up. by the corner she weeps and longs, longs and weeps for the salvation she's recently been waiting for.
and then it came, that euphoria as endorphins flood her brain.
but then it went, that euphoria deadly, deadening her veins.
her pieces of her fragile heart shattered even further, shattered into dust that nobody could or wanted to sweep up,

damaged goods she was, they would all mutter amongst themselves while stealing glances at her as she traversed the unknown. oh how they didn't see the superflous mountains residing across her thighs and wrists, how they didn't know the death of her family leading to the death of herself.

she has been silent, and she has decided to remain silent for as long as she can,

or as long as it takes for her to finally break apart.

---

poetry (here)

day 2 poetry:

loose
fingers trailed the empty sheets next to her;
her puffy eyes loosely forms a shadow of a figure
that no longer slept
there.

numbed
emotions rob her of her sanity;
her thoughts a cataclysmic mess, she grips her body
that heaves and lurches and crumples.

darkening
skies and heart, the window chatters
with the jarring howls of a thunderstorm

she awakes
and sighs,

she is alone.

day 1 poetry:

blood red
lips
that stained
the whitest
and purest
sheets.

most
of all
was how
it only
took a
minute
to take
everything
away,
everything.

---

okay i admit, it took me only 5 mins to write this but it's cos' i already had the idea in mind this morning and i was dead set on using superlatives and imperatives to coin this (which i realise i shouldn't be revealing the meaning of my poems since a reader's interpretation is subjective).

prose on tumblr here

post A's.

HI. A's are finally over and like a liberated sex slave we partied at Kaede's house later that evening. We had potluck and i made (bought and brought) nuggets. i thought mine was the best food in comparison to Dewi's mom's amazing amazing pasta, Tul's mom's awesome awesome pasta salad (it was so good even without the pasta), Larry's mom's potato-mushroom-chicken dish, Sarah's chicken wings, Farisha's godly brownies (THEY TASTE LIKE THEY HAVE WEED IN THEM), Liyana's mom's caramel bread pudding, and Kaede's dad's soup (that also worked as a shabu-shabu base). Mine was the best because i actually made it myself compared to everyone else -- okay sarah made hers too luh, probably from scratch rather than a frozen-ass packaging. oh, and Vas brought drinks.

Anyway, EVERYONE was late except Tuls, Fari, and I.

and then we watched a 3D movie but people with glasses get bad migraines pretty quickly so we changed it to boring-2D. Monster House.

and this is what Kaede can see everyday if she stays with her dad permanently. amazing no? you can actually see MBS from her apartment.

some of the food. look at that awesome salad with sundried tomatoes, apple cubes, tomatoes, pasta, edamame, and other stuff. and look at that late of chicken above, it used to be a whole chicken but masterchef-me with my nimble wrists and kaede's dad's creepily overly sharp knives turned it into individual pieces. 

we karaoke-d a lot. and i reached home around 1-ish. everything was awesome.

okay, i'm lazy to elaborate so there's that.

it was a good end to the day, and a good start to post-A's life.

okay gonna go to amore now, and i think today marks the start of my 30-day writing; shall do one tonight.

last day, last day:

it's 11.30 am and i really should be giving it my all for tomorrow. i just no longer have the mood to study with all these plans i have for after the exam. and it's not that i've lost my drive, actually to be losing your drive before the last paper is incredibly stupid. nah, i've lost it halfway through but found it again an hour later (i bounce back really quick).
so tired, so tired. but heck, last lap (omg this has quickly become a cliche) so i'll be giving it everything i've got.
goodbye.

A' levels ain't over yet but i've already planned out my schedule for next few days following that:

friday (after the paper): taper jeans, grab ingredients for potluck, larmy's house to chill, kae's house for potluck.

saturday: gym, larmy's coming over to chill, dinner

sunday: sleep in, gym, read, write (will probably being my 30-day writing)

monday: gym, prom shopping

tuesday: facial (ikr, with ethel and ball btw), accompanying them to the salon, awesome dinner

wednesday: gym, laze around, read

---

i feel incredibly scared that i'm not completely prepared for the paper on friday, but there's also a buzzing anticipation for it to just be done with.

so brit lit was awesome today, though it wasn't exactly my best. but seriously, i felt incredibly witty doing the unseen; thatcher likened to adolf hitler and even the devil. you should have seen my stupid grin as i wrote the paper. my worst turned out to be my best.
didn't think i did well for Kureishi and Hare (best being the worst) so fingers crossed.

with that aside, i'm only one paper away from freedom and the anticipation is driving me crazy. it's actually not one paper but half a paper since physical geog is over (which was fucking horrible by the way). all i gotta do now is give everything i've got (even more than the other subjects) to make up for the crappy answers i had in physical and i'm done for life, no more geography and no more economics (unless god forbid i end up majoring/minoring in them).

yeah...

p.s, my independence scares me sometimes, especially when it develops into some sick desire for isolation. don't get me wrong, i love company (of certain people); but i don't know, it's the company that often leads to a yearning for some me-time. okay, no time for pensive thoughts.

what to do after A's:

1. camp at the gym
2. buy shoes
3. initiate 30-day writing (prose & poetry)
4. cook
5. intern (still deciding where)
6. read
7. outdoors (preferably nature i.e with grass/sand)
8. art-related-craft
9. sleep in (i need a 12-hour sleep)
10. meet everyone i've been missing so dearly.

asphyxiation:

the incoherent mass that reduced her into a mess crippled every sensation she has ever felt since her malaise. she lay sprawled on the bathroom floor, covered in her own blood dripping endlessly from the slit she meticulously incised. cigarette in the unmarked hand, she stared nonchalantly at the ripples the droplets would stir; how the calm crimson ocean was enraged by the intrusion of its source. the doorbell has been ringing incessantly for hours, but she saw no point in exertion -- she couldn't even if she wanted to anyway. the room was darkening, but that insidious euphoria that pricked her continued to remain by her side, an old time companion since her days from countless hospitals; hospitals she knew she would never escape if they were to grab hold of her.
she jolted; the cigarette had shortened till it burned her fingers. her surroundings sprung back to life and she scowled, then curiously staring at the blackened mark it has left upon her pallid, aching phalanges.

without warning, a figure burst into the room with a mixture of relief and appall. what are you doing? he exclaimed but expected no answer. in seconds he returned with a towel and lifted her by her shoulders, his unconscious tears further upsetting the red ocean while it spilled across the ivory tiles. she looked at him with eyes of pain and obediently swallowed the pills he gently deposited into her mouth and he stopped walking, his eyes glistening.

and they stood there for a moment, both torn and jaded but grateful with each other's presence as he wrapped the towel across the large scars where her breasts were supposed to be.

so fucking disappointed with myself. i don't think i did my best for the physical geog paper. I KNOW i shouldn't be all mopey and shit and it's not like i screwed up the entire paper but just part of an essay (which was 16 marks mind you and i've lost 8 marks for sure). i am going to be studying like crazy for human geography to make up for that. fuck you A' levels, fuck you.

if you're homesick

---

flaws:

body slouched in the bathroom, the girl cringes at the sight of the mirror. she closes her eyes and inhales deeply before opening them to the ghastly figure standing in front of her. she stares at her face, battered with bruises and pits and scars and stained with blotches of red all over. she sighs while her fingers greedily trace every nook and crevice they could find, like the insidious tentacles of an octopus out for blood. her fingers wanted more, and so they sidled down across her face and towards her torso, grabbing and clawing at her bare chest along its way. she stopped above her pit and swore, pinching (as much as could) her skin as though threatening to rip it out. she was close to tears, but there weren’t done yet and clung onto her even tighter. she continued to stare at the figure, albeit now in a disgusting manner. she couldn’t stand what she was seeing! red marks defile her pale skin and continue to grow as those whips lash at whatever they could reach. she sobbed but they wouldn’t stop; they wouldn’t stop till she could take it no longer and collapsed onto the cold tiles.

flaws, but only she could see them.

---

i don't even know why i'm writing when my first paper just ended. and it's not even as good as i want it to be seeing how i only spent 30 mins on this. but yeah, i seriously have no mood to improve upon this (have to start on math!) and i cannot imagine myself coming back to this (anytime soon, anyway). 

in other news, i thought GP went well. it wasn't fantastic or anything but it went well. i sure fucking hope they don't penalise me for highlighting the questions. yes, how dumb of me, but well, it's over and i hope everything does go... well.

A levels;

this is it. and i don't mean to be melodramatic but this is it; after 18 years here comes the test that will very likely define my future... well, unless i end up like steve jobs or something -- but no such luck. the thing is, i don't believe that a piece of paper can define my life (cliche hello). i recognise it's importance but i don't see why it's so important. but if it's gonna move me forward then i have no qualms and i'll just keep trudging forward.

good luck Remus, you're definitely gonna need it. seriously.

but fuck, i need to resolve some issue plaguing me from concentrating fully. fuck it had better be resolved tomorrow.
and it sucks in other news because my heart feels conflicted. i want to talk to you, but i can't because i know now's not the time to involve myself with emotional, otherworldly desires. but yet i want to because me, as a believer in love at first sight or very intense attraction at first sight, want to, lest you slip away and be gone forever. ugh.

i am so not in the right state of mind for the A' levels. i wish i had a punching bag at home - i could use some catharsis through a physical outlet.

androgyny:

it seems like the more i get to know you... from afar, the more i am enthralled by you. that effortless confidence you seem to carry yourself with has such an unexplainable euphoric effect on me. i don't know, it seems like you -- just being you, has done it. you have perfectly, and rather succinctly, captured the idea of beauty. of course, your physical appearance: skin as white (and creepily, soft) as sheets from the dryer and physique a killer stellar; lean, not from a diet but well-spent hours dedicated to the enriching of your physical health. hair jet-black but stained (the flaw's icing to your beauty so don't worry) with your party-days as streaks of blonde blemish your head of luscious hair. i don't know to what end my creeper-status encircles, but i'd say it has gone pretty far. i've screened through your social networking sites many times and i have artfully slipped your name into conversations with your friend to display my interest. i think i am in love with you.

you are immaculate and i would like to know you.

---

BTW IT'S ENTIRELY HYPERBOLIC.