What is a mad heart?

From Disgrace:
'Exactly. Good or bad, he just does it. He doesn't act on principle but on impulse, and the source of his impusles is dark to him. Read a few lines further: "His madness was not of the head, but heart." A mad heart.  What is a mad heart?'

I like this quote.

hope is on the horizon

the week felt like it droned away. feels like it's been a week since the exams ended but i guess not. can't really remember what happened, other than the exams (brutal studying), home-movies on friday and lit seminars at NTU on yesterday.

lit seminars were all right (and fun) albeit a little unnecessary. the professors (irish, english, aussie) repeated most of the stuff we already know, except for the Amsterdam one cos' we haven't learnt anything about it yet and i haven't finished reading it (though now i know probably every key part of the novel but i still have to read all of it). food was awesome and lucky my class consists of people who love eating so i could go for seconds without feeling weird. saw an old mate and i felt really bad that i couldn't recognize her when she came up and said hi. talked to miss fern after that to get her opinion on stuff and i suppose it went well. now i just gotta work hard and deliver.

i'm thinking this week is going to be a lot less mundane. by now i am already towards the end of Amsterdam and i think it's actually a good book: we're driven by our values, and these values mould our perspectives on certain events. it determines whether we see something as right or wrong, or neither. okay, this post is getting too sentimental and didactic so i'm gonna stop here.

p.s, i'm obsessed with self-portraits.

the truth will set you free

exams are finally over, but i still got some studying to do, sad face. well, not exactly studying luh, happy face, reading, in fact. have to finish an entire novel tomorrow cos' there's this NTU talk on it on Saturday and a part of it is based on that. mates say it's boring but... i don't know, haven't even started. and they already told me the ending, which i feel obliged to spoil it for you as well since misery loves company. so if you intend to read it (Ian McEwan's Amsterdam), CLIVE AND VERNON KILL EACH OTHER. there's that. at least you can go find out how they do that (which they've also told me).

lit paper was a rude awakening to my limited vocabulary. like wtf, you know you need to start reading and using the thesaurus more often when you paraphrase 'daily existence and challenges' as 'problems the characters encounter result in them leading a miserable life'. on the bright side, i got to use most of the lit terms i slaved over the night before, falling/rising action, catastrophe, climax, anachronism etc. so yay.

this post is already pretty long but i watched an amazing movie today, which i have been meaning to ever since it's debut in cinema's 2 years ago. Push was so goodddddd, brimming with action and everything. Dakota Fanning's acting was already brilliant at such a young age and Camilla Belle's sexy as hell. Chris Evan's pretty good looking too so there's that. actually i found it a little weird how they made asians very stereotypical with the way they're dressed and the powers they possess. still, insane movie. just the action loving side of me acting out.

K. RANDOM PLONK:

Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

i feel so frustrated with the exams. all i wanna do is have fun, go to amore. basically, i just wanna live my own life. if only we could study what we wanted to study instead of what we're told to. i reckon life would be a lot more enjoyable and people would be more keen to learn. haven't finished Geography and haven't began Math. 2 more days, 2 more days. but tonight i'll forget about sleeping.


STORY TIME:

hell is empty, all the devils are here.

17 MARCH 2011 

today was absolutely amazing. woke up at 8 to meet fatteh at 9 cos' we're going to the beach. was pretty glum because it was raining (and still was when we met), but we made our way to vivo nonetheless. had breakfast, got food and we left for sentosa. the rain stopped thereafter but the sky remained pretty cloudy, and then progressed to a pathetic drizzle. i think going barefoot on sand is one of the best things when you go to the beach. sat, ate, and took a lot, a lot of polaroids (because 100 films came on monday). sort-of-artsy shots, fun shots... everything luh k. there's a lot of photos so i'm just gonna abruptly page-break here:

shine a light

thoughts from nowhere: if only we could channel our endless fretting and worrying into something tangible, or something productive, then at least we could see the enormity of our indolence when we die, or more favourably, wouldn't be wasting our lives away doing nothing... and then pondering what the hell we did. like right now, i am agonizing over the exams that is to come on monday, wednesday and thursday. if only i could harness this irrational and ineffectual torment into my studies, i would probably do very well. but doing so would mean having to find a way to channel such anxiety and i just don't have the time. anyway, this is life for me right now, writing stuff which will probably never result in anything:

you make me feel like fun again

that has got to be the most awesome tattoo ever and i'm blaming myself for not being able to remember the name of that art piece. still, it looks so, so damn good. OKAY WAIT. i'm pretty sure it's starry night. okay, yes. it is. google said so. van gogh. eh seriously, i love it a lot eh. 

that tatt is pretty spot-on in reproducing it. 

turning tables

Story of my life.

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escape the crowd somehow

the world is filled with lies. it is filled with hatred... it is filled with so much sorrow. i don't know what to believe in anymore, because whenever i do, i feel myself falling back to this lost state i was always in and lately this feeling of abandonment feels unbearable... you know? they say the misery you've been through in your life is what defines you, but i hope it isn't true, because taking away all the happiness i've ever had... i would be a pretty screwed up individual.

it's getting hard to believe that someday all of these demons that are haunting me will vanish, that this cave i've been wandering in for years will finally show me an exit, or if these memories tormenting me will loosen their grip on me -- these are hard times for dreamers like me. and i don't know if it's worth the fight anymore.


inspiration:

inside all of us is adventure.

learn french... and fall in love.

i stood there staring at him. i didn't say anything, not because i was afraid, but just the opposite. i finally understood that there are people in life who just wouldn't believe in dreaming. he isn't better than me. he's just someone who can't understand why it's so important to dream... and that made me lose my fear -- the fact that someday, my life would be better than it is right now while his life would forever stay the same. and i think he understood that when his eyes flickered away. resolute, i walked back into my room, shut the door, locked it, buried my head beneath my pillow and let the silence flood in. and for a moment, life was better... shinier. life was better for a dreamer like me.

I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE COS' OF THE LAST 3 LINES. OKAY, SELF-PRAISING IS BAD BUT WHATEVER. ACTUALLY I DON'T REALLY LIKE HOW IT BEGINS AND ACTUALLY, I ONLY LIKE THE LAST 3 LINES. SO YEAH. FAIL.


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DVDs to get (really):

1. Never Let Me Go - cos' i haven't watched it yet and i can't currently... M18 (dang).

2. New York, I Love You - cos' i've always wanted to watch it since it's premier (like 2-3 years ago).

3. Eat, Pray, Love - because i think it's a truly inspirational movie with an important message, and for reviving the clichéd phrase of having 'to lose everything in order to find it all back and more'

4. Where the Wild Things Are - for believing in believing.

5. I Am Number Four - because i'm still a die-hard action lover with a sci-fi imagination. and diana agron was gorgeous in it.

p.s, I FEEL SO SAD WHENEVER I LOOK AT MY PRINTER. NOT BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF INK (ACTUALLY IT HAS) BUT BECAUSE 'PRIDE & PREJUDICE' IS NESTLED NICELY ATOP, HALFWAY THROUGH. AND I NEVER HAVE THE MOOD TO CONTINUE READING EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT THAT BAD AND EVEN QUITE INTERESTING. AND WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT I JUST GOT 3 MORE BOOKS YESTERDAY WITH BALL, WHICH ADDS TO THE 3-4 BOOKS I'VE YET TO READ. KBYE.

no final kiss to seal any sins

We keep jumping and jumping, but somehow can never go any higher isn't it? this place is suffocating. it's anchoring me down an ocean's floor. I love it here, really, but i find my heart drifting further from this place as the years pass, and lately i feel like i can't take it any more, like if i stay here for just a second longer, i'd burst -- explode, cave in. so is it not better for me to vanish from this place and never return? is it so wrong to dream of leaving this place? this place... that makes me unhappy, this place that makes me see how unfulfilled my life is and so much more that it can be?
life is not hard here. life here is dull, it's empty, blank and so many things other places are not. and perhaps that's why it's making life so miserable.
i am a dreamer and these are tough times for dreamers like me. but i would rather die than lose myself to nothing.


I THINK I JUST GOT INSPIRED TO WRITE SHORT STUFF LIKE THIS AND END WITH 'THESE ARE HARD TIMES FOR DREAMERS LIKE US'. yes, i tweaked some of the words cos' i used hard in the previous sentence and using it again would be contradictory. and i also used 'me' instead of 'us' because... gah, specifics.
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Week Highlights: