AUS 2.

THIS:

woke me up in the morning.

---

Travelling #2

"you know why you're hopping from town to town?" she shouts across the field.

he stops, listening to what she has to say, but finds himself unable to face her.

"why don't I tell you then," she scoffs, "it's because you can't commit. You can't bear the thought of forming relationships with others and finding yourself actually liking it. You find yourself no longer able to form bonds since Brandon died. But guess what. You already are forming bonds. Yes, every village, every town, everywhere you go, you form bonds. And these bonds are tied to you for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. He's dead, Jack, your son, Brandon, is de--"

she is shocked silent by his sudden howl.

"You have no right -- no right to talk about Brandon," he says. "You think you know everything, don't you? You think you know who I am, how the world works, How -- how life works. Well, guess what, you don't. You don't know how Brandon died. I don't. Nobody does," he pauses, fighting the tears back, "because I came home one night and he was already lying on the floor. Dead. Gone without a reason. And now I'm alone, living in this monotony called life, having to fight through ea-- each breath. You don't get the pain I'm feeling, you don't get anything at all."

-Rae

AUS 1.

I'M IN AUSTRALIA.

and I had this for lunch.

the memory of the journey is a medley of fogginess, discomfort and headachy.

p.s, Will Grayson, will grayson remains unfound. I had to get Remains of the Day instead.

i'm still breathing.

"life is not something you can predict. it is not a novel where you can just... flip to the end and see what happens to each character. whether they die, whether they get over the turmoil in their lives, ... whether they end up happy or in despair for the large part of their existence. life... you just have to go through with it. you have to live it. you have to accept it. you have to somehow find that assed up flicker of light in the dark cave we all breathe in. so to hell with it. i'm still going on. and you're coming with me... whether you like it or not."
-Isobel, Rae.

so as i write this letter and shed my last tear

know it's all for the better that we end this here

let's close this chapter, say one last prayer

but don't say that you loved me

Rain

"you gave me credit for having so much strength sometimes. and i'm always so deeply afraid that i'll just give in and shatter."

too easy to be helped and found.

I am so tired.

But this was yesterday and it was just great:

it was with the Poland dudes at the Marina Barrage,

where we took lots of polaroids,

and in one of them I look awkwardly misfit.

we played with bubbles,

where we failed miserably at taking bubbly artistic shots with misplaced arms,

but I thought this was pretty decent despite me looking angry and the lack of enough bubbles.

we had a couple of rounds of monopoly deal and uno,

and looked at cute children.

we also had Rebekah's tasty nutella cupcakes.

So that's about it.

"if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I has hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"
-Looking for Alaska.

I want to be friends with John Green. And I should begin finding my 'Great Perhaps' now.

---

after a hurricane comes a rainbow.

true.

---

5 MORE DAYS.

A synthesis.

how am i to move

if you bind my feet and yours

with these chains i willingly wear

and i try to move but you remain rooted

and there is nowhere i can go

without you

how am i to breathe

if you take my air away

and grip the muscle that leaves me breathless

with my palm tracing shadows

as i try to find what once was you

for our hearts to beat together once more

how am i to live

if you aren't there anymore

and the only thing closest to me and you is a memory

with what of me left as i struggle

with the illusions that tempt me

away from reality

and i'm trapped in the world i created

where only me and you

exists

-Rae


---


synthesis from:


how am i to sing my song if you make me
speechless
if you take the words from my mouth
and stab them into my heart
like knives

how am i to close my eyes knowing you aren't there
when they open
-David Ross Lawn.

Elegy.

I had to write something inspired by 'Secrets':

---


she was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

we may not have been the best couple, or the one with the strongest bond. hell, we probably weren't that in love as any other couple. but if it were one thing that we both truly had, it was how real and genuine our feelings were for one another.

we always fought, and in good faith. it made us stronger. fuck, that's cliche. but honestly, it did. we never met with any common ground to begin with. we probably didn't even know of each other's existence till our eyes met.

maybe that's why our love was so real. our impressions of one another were never bolstered, never tainted by the words of others. We just... met. And maybe that's what got us through all the shit we've been in. That... and having one another.

Dear John:

what is love?

My time spent with you hasn't led me to the answer. These 2 months with you have been the best time of my life. I've done things I've never imagined. It's like I'm living in a different world.

But that's just it... isn't it? There's nothing more to what we have, and sometimes I feel we're both at the edge of a cliff - it's too late to turn back and there's no point in staying on.
So here i am... taking the plunge.

live and learn

I came home in the morning

And everything was gone

Oh what have I done

I dropped dead in the hallway

Cursing the dawn

Oh come on sun

Why must I burn

I’m just trying to learn

freaking addicted to this song.

--

thursday was awesome.
3 episode GA marathon w/ anne while we waited for ball to get done. i really, really love GA. i think i'm going to get the DVD for all the seasons. we're gonna watch the finale for season 1 together soon, yay.
far east for 'ban mian' and really good fried dumplings. bought things at insanely cheap prices (i like cheap, nice looking things that don't threaten to give me rashes). seriously cheap; 2 shirts for 20, aviators for 13 (though i don't consider this that great of a buy but i like it). somerset's daiso and spotlight for my polaroid project and that was about it.

apparently, i thought you could easily hammer a nail into the wall but i was wrong, you can't. i think a power drill's necessary but i don't have one so i'm gonna go buy those hooks with the 'nails' you hammer onto your wall. i have no idea how i'll remove them in the future but whatever, it's for the 'now'.

i need boat shoes and/or loafers. cheap ones.