turning tables

Story of my life.

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lost it all:

i don't know if it was because of her, or if it was just me, but i felt the need to mask whatever pain i had when i saw... felt what she was going through. this was an event that had the power to strip one of all happiness and reduce them into nothing but misery. still, both of us couldn't be devastated at the same time, because it would mean both of us crumbling into the pits and staying there for a long period, perhaps never getting out. i didn't want that -- i didn't want her to be trapped in any sort of pain, so i took it to myself to pull a strong countenance. i took it to myself to guard her, protect her while she slowly brought herself back to reality again. there was nothing i could do but support her even when both us needed that.

but this is love. love demands so many things. it demands unrequited attention, it demands affection, it demands a person's entirety; our physical self, our emotions... our everything. our everything. and everything was all that i could give, it was everything i devoted myself to, it was everything i defined myself to be, but it still wasn't enough to stop her from drowning herself in her own blood. it wasn't enough to wake her from her foolish senses, let her know how incredibly stupid it is, that these blades were an unfair trade for temporary relief from the world. perhaps it never was sufficient in the first place, and i was in fact, the foolish one who believed so.

a dear friend was lost to us that night, and both us felt as though our hearts had been ripped right out of our bodies. we took to each other to depend ourselves upon, but the grief was too much for one of us, and she took her own life as well. then i've lost another friend... a lover, and it felt like my soul had been drained dry. i have lost two of the very best friend's i've ever had, two of the very people that were everything to me, who gave everything to me, and whom i gave everything to. now they're gone with everything i had, leaving behind this empty vessel that inhabits this place.

because of them, the only reason i know i'm still alive is the pain i know i'll feel every single time i wake up.

inspiration:

&

one of the best quotes ever:

he was gone, and i did not have time to tell him what i had just now realized: that i forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. there were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at that time because we could not see the future. if only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. but we can't know better until knowing better is useless.